A New Year's Resolution

Sean,

Even though I haven't posted here in several months, I know you haven't missed a thing. You've been on my mind constantly and you'll be in my heart forever. Our girls are absolutely beautiful, in every way. They are SO our children, you would get such a kick out of them.

I still love you and I still think about you constantly. I miss you incredibly every day. I am doing alright now, though, I know you can see. I'm resilient, apparently, and I don't know why that's surprising to me because I am a strong person. I thought that you leaving would tear me down, and it did, but the strength I learned by watching you has allowed me to get back up and keep on going. That's what I tell myself is happening: I'm not moving on, I'm just still living. You will never NOT be a part of my life, but I know that you wouldn't want me to waste away either.

In the spirit of continuing to live, not just be, I have decided to make a resolution of this new year. You know how I feel about resolutions and I rarely ever set them (I think the last one was at Y2K when I was 13 and I resolved to drink more milk.....never touched the stuff since). But this year I think merits one. My resolution for this year is to continue to live. I love every moment we had together but let's be honest, the last 3 years were far from perfect. We struggled every day with the demons we had, and even though we had each other, most days were a struggle. Many days even now are still a struggle, especially without you here with me, but I make it through, and I refuse to give up. And somedays I get lucky and have a good day, and do more than just make it through. You always made the most of your life, and I want to honor you by continuing to make the most of mine. I absolutely love being a mommy to our daughters--they saved my life. They already know some about their daddy and we go to visit your grave sometimes, even in the snowy weather. These girls definitely give me something to live well for.

So my resolution is to keep heading in the direction I have been going. I expect setbacks and I experience them some days, but I know that you still have my hand and I can almost hear your voice speaking encouragement to me. I'll always love you and I'll always think about the example of strength you set for me whenever I feel weak or downtrodden. You give me strength to keep going, and so this year, I'll keep on living for you.

I love you darling.

Nowhere Near Healed

Honey,

Why is it that cancer is so dominating? We always did the best we could to live a normal life outside of what was clearly putting both of us through hell. I don't think it was that we were in denial or wanted to avoid talking about anything, but more that we refused to be anything but hopeful. And I wish that you had never had cancer and that neither one of us had to go through what we did, but I'm glad that of all the people in this world, you were the one there with me.

You taught me so much from your example of patience, determination, and love. I have never known anyone to endure anywhere near as much as what you went through and the entire time you were sick, you were always concerned about my well-being. You didn't complain, you didn't give up hope, and you were always looking for a way to beat your cancer. You always wanted to make the best life possible for the both of us, and you wanted to make sure our children had a future.

I guess I'm writing this tonight because remembering these things about you helps strengthen me when I feel lost and when I start to lose hope. I look at what you went through and all that you did for me, and I know that I have to go on. My mom said that she has had comments from people about how well I seem to be doing and that I seem to be looking like I'm getting back on my feet and all I can say is that people see what they want to see. I still struggle every day and whatever people think they see is something that I don't feel is there. I feel like I might as well be a Tom and Jerry cartoon with a giant cannon ball hole blown through Tom with him wobbling around aimlessly looking for the rest of him to turn up.

So, I'm still trying to do my best every day to hold myself together for my own sake (because you fought so hard for me while you were fighting for yourself) and for the sake of our daughters. I'm no where near better, I'm no where near healed. Who knows if I will ever be, but I do still look to you for reassurance, and even though you're not here anymore to be there for me, I remember all the times that you were, and I love you for that.

I love you so so much.

What to Say

Sean,

Sometimes I'm just not sure what to say here. There's always a lot on my mind, and sometimes it gets to be too overwhelming to process. So, for tonight, I just want to say that I love you so so much and that I miss you incredibly. You're the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I still feel like I'm missing the better half of myself. You're still my whole world, and I'd give anything to have you back with me right now.

I miss you, and I love you honey.

Almost There

Honey,

I had one of my weekly doctor appointments today. I'm 33 weeks along now which means I'm bigger than most people are when they deliver 1 baby (I wish people would stop saying I'm not that big....I get what it was like for you when people said you looked good bald--even though I didn't mind that look on you). Everything went fine, the babies are healthy as far as they can tell right now, their heartbeats look normal, and everyone's just passing the time until they're born. My doctor said that in 1 week I can go off the nifedipine because delivering twins at 34 weeks (if I do go into labor so soon after stopping the medicine) isn't such a bad gestational age. She said that if I can get to 36 weeks off the nifedipine, not only can I come off of bed rest, but the chances that the babies will need to be in the NICU will be much much smaller. So, if I can make it another 3 weeks, go off my medicine, and come off bed rest, whenever the babies come after those points they'll most likely be able to come home with me from the hospital. I'm not sure if I'll make it another 3 weeks without going into labor but even if I do, as long as they're healthy and weigh enough they won't have to be in the NICU either.

So, we're almost there. I'm getting more and more nervous each day about doing this without you. And at this point I'm mostly referring to actual labor as opposed to raising the girls. I'm not excited to do that by myself either, but I can handle it. I don't know if I'll be able to handle labor without you there. You were always so caring and concerned about me whenever I was sick or in pain or had anything wrong with me, you'd be so great to have around during labor to keep the people away, squeeze my hand, and remind me to breathe. I have to remind myself to breathe all the time now that you're not around.

I miss you a lot, and no one will come close to filling in your spot in this event, and so I'll be left with a gaping hole next to me, wishing you were there with me the whole time. And I don't want to hear this "there in spirit" nonsense from people anymore. It's just not the same, and not what I need from you. I know you'd be there for me like crazy if you could.

I love you for giving me these precious babies and I can't wait to meet them and see how much they look like their daddy. I can't wait to see which of your personality traits they'll have inherited and I can't imagine how much you'd be laughing to see me try and take this on by myself. But you know I'm tough, and I know I'm tough, and I know how much you loved all of us, and that's all I have to get me through this.

I love you sweetheart, and I wish I had your hand here to squeeze.

Outlet not Blog

Honey,

So tonight, it was brought to my attention in various ways by at least 3 different people, how public this "blog" actually is. Of course it couldn't just have been one person, it had to all happen collectively! So anyway, it got me thinking--is this a good thing or a bad thing? Then one person gave me a really great reminder that everyone deals with things differently, and that this is my way of processing things. When I started this, that's what this "blog" was meant to be. (And I use the term "blog" very loosely because typically a blog is meant to serve as an update of day-to-day life for family and friends to check up on, and that was never my intention for this project.) When I started this, I noted that this would serve as my outlet for now, and that's what it has been and will continue to be until I don't feel the need to use this medium for that purpose any longer.

I have definitely received different responses to the whole thing. Some people think that I shouldn't post what they consider to be such "private" thoughts and feelings for everyone in the world to read lest I whore myself out to those who only wish to pity me for my situation. Others see it the way I do and just appreciate being able to check in on how I'm doing from day to day. Who knows, maybe there are other people who read this "blog" purely as a form of entertainment because it gives them something else to think about than their mundane normal lives.

Whatever the motive is that people find to read my "blog", I hope that they all understand that if there's something here that is offensive or that they don't agree with, they are welcome to stop reading it. Similarly, I hope that those who appreciate this project for what it is are welcome to continue to visit my site because, like I said, I use this format because it's easier for me to type something than it is to write it down, and if there are things that I don't want to be public, I won't post them here. (Not to say that I intend for the things that are posted here to be taken as me wanting them to be public, just that it's inevitable when you post anything on public domain.)

I know that when you and I were working on your blog you were often reluctant or hesitant to post certain things because you didn't want the attention that came with the news, and I feel like that sometimes but I try to remind myself that this is about you and me, and not about me and everyone else. Maybe once the babies come and there is more excitement with that people will have things other than depressing lamentations to read here, but for now, they get what they get.

I miss being understood by you. Without you there's no one that completely gets why I am the way I am, let alone anyone who loves me for it! That was one thing that was so great about you. You always understood who I was and what was important to me and you loved me for it every day that we were together. I love you for loving me so unconditionally that way.

I miss you tonight. I wish I could curl up into you and just lay with you on the couch. Relaxing and taking it easy by myself was never as effective as when you were there with me, True Story.

I love you unconditionally sweetheart.

Invalid

Sean,

I'm going crazy. Stir crazy. You know how I can't sit still. Ever. This weekend was another of cleaning (or wishing), homework, baby showers, and football. And I'm completely overwhelmed. I have a list of things to get done in the next 2 weeks (that's my timeframe--2 weeks, just in case), and there are people who want to help me with getting these things taken care of, and I have to let them. Otherwise I'll risk going into labor too soon, and I know that my pride and anxiousness are not valid excuses for jeopardizing the health of our daughters. But now that I've moved passed the part where I can't let people help me because I just want to do everything myself, I'm stuck in the part where it's killing me because things aren't being done the way that I would have done them. My mom has the dresser all arranged with clothes by sizes and purposes and what not, which sounds like something I would do, but it's not the way I wanted the dresser to be organized and I'm not even technically supposed to be in there, so how can I justify rearranging everything? Some of the baby clothes got dried with a dryer sheet which doesn't sound like a big deal except that it totally defeats the purpose of washing the clothes in baby-safe laundry detergent in terms of keeping off agents that will irritate their skin in their clothes. So, everything had to get washed again. And then, after I specifically asked to have the laundry left on the couch so that I could do something and fold it all up, I sat there and watched as my request was completely disregarded. It's like I'm invisible now. Everything has crossed the line from where I want things done a certain way, to not even being given the change to do the things that I can do. And it is a big deal because I want to have had a part in all of the preparations. I want to have said that I helped get things ready. I want to be a part in this stage of taking care of my own daughters, I can't get anyone to hear me. I'm an invalid trapped on the couch with everyone asking me how they can help and with absolutely no one actually listening to what I'm saying, "do the things that need to be done to get the house prepared for the babies to be here that I am physically not able to do myself, and let me do the things that I am able to do so that I can be a part of this". I wish you were here because you would understand why all of this is so important to me. You'd understand why I can't simply allow someone to come into our house and go through our personal belongings and clean according to their standards instead of mine. You'd understand why folding a simple load of laundry can keep me from feeling like a terrible mother. You'd understand why I want the dresser organized the way I do and you wouldn't question it or undermine me, even if it didn't make complete logical sense. You'd understand why it would be so completely frustrating to me to sit back and watch someone else attempt to do things to try to help me, and struggle with them, and for me to know that if I was doing it, I wouldn't have problems getting the job done. You'd defend me from people wanting to come in and do things their way thinking that it's helpful to me, and you'd protect me from missing out on important things. I need that understanding and that defense and protection and I haven't been able to find that without you.

When people ask me how they can help me, I think I'm going to have to start changing my answer to, "you can come and do the things that I can't do the way I want them done, or you can leave me alone". I have a significant increase in contractions and the level of discomfort that I experience because of them when I get stressed out, so you can imagine what sort of pain I'm in at the moment from all that has been going on this weekend.

I really really do miss you and I wish that you were here to save me like you always saved me. I'm not strong enough physically, mentally, or emotionally to save myself yet, and I feel like I'm drowning. And so I just sit here and pray, "come save me, come save me, come save me".

I love you very very much, and I love you more today for being the best friend and protector I've ever had than I ever have before.

Isopropyl Alcohol

Honey,

"You know you're a cancer patient or caregiver when:....

• your supply of isopropyl alcohol is not found in a bottle in your medicine cabinet but rather in the form of many many alcohol pads"

Sad huh? That's us for sure. I got the glass top for the dresser that I ordered last week today and I was attaching some hooks to the glass and the instructions said to clean the surface with the alcohol so I busted out some alcohol swabs and got the job done. But, as I was using the swabs, the all-too familiar scent of the alcohol came rushing back to me, and I actually decided that it's one of my favorite smells in the world. It reminds me so much of you, and I know that's really twisted, but I had a good reaction to the scent as opposed to a bad so I figure....why not?

I just wanted to share this with you. I now know that I love the smell of isopropyl alcohol because it reminds me of you.

I miss you, sweetheart. And I love love love you.