Monday, January 10, 2011

A New Year's Resolution


Even though I haven't posted here in several months, I know you haven't missed a thing. You've been on my mind constantly and you'll be in my heart forever. Our girls are absolutely beautiful, in every way. They are SO our children, you would get such a kick out of them.

I still love you and I still think about you constantly. I miss you incredibly every day. I am doing alright now, though, I know you can see. I'm resilient, apparently, and I don't know why that's surprising to me because I am a strong person. I thought that you leaving would tear me down, and it did, but the strength I learned by watching you has allowed me to get back up and keep on going. That's what I tell myself is happening: I'm not moving on, I'm just still living. You will never NOT be a part of my life, but I know that you wouldn't want me to waste away either.

In the spirit of continuing to live, not just be, I have decided to make a resolution of this new year. You know how I feel about resolutions and I rarely ever set them (I think the last one was at Y2K when I was 13 and I resolved to drink more milk.....never touched the stuff since). But this year I think merits one. My resolution for this year is to continue to live. I love every moment we had together but let's be honest, the last 3 years were far from perfect. We struggled every day with the demons we had, and even though we had each other, most days were a struggle. Many days even now are still a struggle, especially without you here with me, but I make it through, and I refuse to give up. And somedays I get lucky and have a good day, and do more than just make it through. You always made the most of your life, and I want to honor you by continuing to make the most of mine. I absolutely love being a mommy to our daughters--they saved my life. They already know some about their daddy and we go to visit your grave sometimes, even in the snowy weather. These girls definitely give me something to live well for.

So my resolution is to keep heading in the direction I have been going. I expect setbacks and I experience them some days, but I know that you still have my hand and I can almost hear your voice speaking encouragement to me. I'll always love you and I'll always think about the example of strength you set for me whenever I feel weak or downtrodden. You give me strength to keep going, and so this year, I'll keep on living for you.

I love you darling.