Sunday, September 26, 2010

Nowhere Near Healed


Why is it that cancer is so dominating? We always did the best we could to live a normal life outside of what was clearly putting both of us through hell. I don't think it was that we were in denial or wanted to avoid talking about anything, but more that we refused to be anything but hopeful. And I wish that you had never had cancer and that neither one of us had to go through what we did, but I'm glad that of all the people in this world, you were the one there with me.

You taught me so much from your example of patience, determination, and love. I have never known anyone to endure anywhere near as much as what you went through and the entire time you were sick, you were always concerned about my well-being. You didn't complain, you didn't give up hope, and you were always looking for a way to beat your cancer. You always wanted to make the best life possible for the both of us, and you wanted to make sure our children had a future.

I guess I'm writing this tonight because remembering these things about you helps strengthen me when I feel lost and when I start to lose hope. I look at what you went through and all that you did for me, and I know that I have to go on. My mom said that she has had comments from people about how well I seem to be doing and that I seem to be looking like I'm getting back on my feet and all I can say is that people see what they want to see. I still struggle every day and whatever people think they see is something that I don't feel is there. I feel like I might as well be a Tom and Jerry cartoon with a giant cannon ball hole blown through Tom with him wobbling around aimlessly looking for the rest of him to turn up.

So, I'm still trying to do my best every day to hold myself together for my own sake (because you fought so hard for me while you were fighting for yourself) and for the sake of our daughters. I'm no where near better, I'm no where near healed. Who knows if I will ever be, but I do still look to you for reassurance, and even though you're not here anymore to be there for me, I remember all the times that you were, and I love you for that.

I love you so so much.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

What to Say


Sometimes I'm just not sure what to say here. There's always a lot on my mind, and sometimes it gets to be too overwhelming to process. So, for tonight, I just want to say that I love you so so much and that I miss you incredibly. You're the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I still feel like I'm missing the better half of myself. You're still my whole world, and I'd give anything to have you back with me right now.

I miss you, and I love you honey.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Almost There


I had one of my weekly doctor appointments today. I'm 33 weeks along now which means I'm bigger than most people are when they deliver 1 baby (I wish people would stop saying I'm not that big....I get what it was like for you when people said you looked good bald--even though I didn't mind that look on you). Everything went fine, the babies are healthy as far as they can tell right now, their heartbeats look normal, and everyone's just passing the time until they're born. My doctor said that in 1 week I can go off the nifedipine because delivering twins at 34 weeks (if I do go into labor so soon after stopping the medicine) isn't such a bad gestational age. She said that if I can get to 36 weeks off the nifedipine, not only can I come off of bed rest, but the chances that the babies will need to be in the NICU will be much much smaller. So, if I can make it another 3 weeks, go off my medicine, and come off bed rest, whenever the babies come after those points they'll most likely be able to come home with me from the hospital. I'm not sure if I'll make it another 3 weeks without going into labor but even if I do, as long as they're healthy and weigh enough they won't have to be in the NICU either.

So, we're almost there. I'm getting more and more nervous each day about doing this without you. And at this point I'm mostly referring to actual labor as opposed to raising the girls. I'm not excited to do that by myself either, but I can handle it. I don't know if I'll be able to handle labor without you there. You were always so caring and concerned about me whenever I was sick or in pain or had anything wrong with me, you'd be so great to have around during labor to keep the people away, squeeze my hand, and remind me to breathe. I have to remind myself to breathe all the time now that you're not around.

I miss you a lot, and no one will come close to filling in your spot in this event, and so I'll be left with a gaping hole next to me, wishing you were there with me the whole time. And I don't want to hear this "there in spirit" nonsense from people anymore. It's just not the same, and not what I need from you. I know you'd be there for me like crazy if you could.

I love you for giving me these precious babies and I can't wait to meet them and see how much they look like their daddy. I can't wait to see which of your personality traits they'll have inherited and I can't imagine how much you'd be laughing to see me try and take this on by myself. But you know I'm tough, and I know I'm tough, and I know how much you loved all of us, and that's all I have to get me through this.

I love you sweetheart, and I wish I had your hand here to squeeze.

Monday, September 20, 2010

Outlet not Blog


So tonight, it was brought to my attention in various ways by at least 3 different people, how public this "blog" actually is. Of course it couldn't just have been one person, it had to all happen collectively! So anyway, it got me thinking--is this a good thing or a bad thing? Then one person gave me a really great reminder that everyone deals with things differently, and that this is my way of processing things. When I started this, that's what this "blog" was meant to be. (And I use the term "blog" very loosely because typically a blog is meant to serve as an update of day-to-day life for family and friends to check up on, and that was never my intention for this project.) When I started this, I noted that this would serve as my outlet for now, and that's what it has been and will continue to be until I don't feel the need to use this medium for that purpose any longer.

I have definitely received different responses to the whole thing. Some people think that I shouldn't post what they consider to be such "private" thoughts and feelings for everyone in the world to read lest I whore myself out to those who only wish to pity me for my situation. Others see it the way I do and just appreciate being able to check in on how I'm doing from day to day. Who knows, maybe there are other people who read this "blog" purely as a form of entertainment because it gives them something else to think about than their mundane normal lives.

Whatever the motive is that people find to read my "blog", I hope that they all understand that if there's something here that is offensive or that they don't agree with, they are welcome to stop reading it. Similarly, I hope that those who appreciate this project for what it is are welcome to continue to visit my site because, like I said, I use this format because it's easier for me to type something than it is to write it down, and if there are things that I don't want to be public, I won't post them here. (Not to say that I intend for the things that are posted here to be taken as me wanting them to be public, just that it's inevitable when you post anything on public domain.)

I know that when you and I were working on your blog you were often reluctant or hesitant to post certain things because you didn't want the attention that came with the news, and I feel like that sometimes but I try to remind myself that this is about you and me, and not about me and everyone else. Maybe once the babies come and there is more excitement with that people will have things other than depressing lamentations to read here, but for now, they get what they get.

I miss being understood by you. Without you there's no one that completely gets why I am the way I am, let alone anyone who loves me for it! That was one thing that was so great about you. You always understood who I was and what was important to me and you loved me for it every day that we were together. I love you for loving me so unconditionally that way.

I miss you tonight. I wish I could curl up into you and just lay with you on the couch. Relaxing and taking it easy by myself was never as effective as when you were there with me, True Story.

I love you unconditionally sweetheart.

Sunday, September 19, 2010



I'm going crazy. Stir crazy. You know how I can't sit still. Ever. This weekend was another of cleaning (or wishing), homework, baby showers, and football. And I'm completely overwhelmed. I have a list of things to get done in the next 2 weeks (that's my timeframe--2 weeks, just in case), and there are people who want to help me with getting these things taken care of, and I have to let them. Otherwise I'll risk going into labor too soon, and I know that my pride and anxiousness are not valid excuses for jeopardizing the health of our daughters. But now that I've moved passed the part where I can't let people help me because I just want to do everything myself, I'm stuck in the part where it's killing me because things aren't being done the way that I would have done them. My mom has the dresser all arranged with clothes by sizes and purposes and what not, which sounds like something I would do, but it's not the way I wanted the dresser to be organized and I'm not even technically supposed to be in there, so how can I justify rearranging everything? Some of the baby clothes got dried with a dryer sheet which doesn't sound like a big deal except that it totally defeats the purpose of washing the clothes in baby-safe laundry detergent in terms of keeping off agents that will irritate their skin in their clothes. So, everything had to get washed again. And then, after I specifically asked to have the laundry left on the couch so that I could do something and fold it all up, I sat there and watched as my request was completely disregarded. It's like I'm invisible now. Everything has crossed the line from where I want things done a certain way, to not even being given the change to do the things that I can do. And it is a big deal because I want to have had a part in all of the preparations. I want to have said that I helped get things ready. I want to be a part in this stage of taking care of my own daughters, I can't get anyone to hear me. I'm an invalid trapped on the couch with everyone asking me how they can help and with absolutely no one actually listening to what I'm saying, "do the things that need to be done to get the house prepared for the babies to be here that I am physically not able to do myself, and let me do the things that I am able to do so that I can be a part of this". I wish you were here because you would understand why all of this is so important to me. You'd understand why I can't simply allow someone to come into our house and go through our personal belongings and clean according to their standards instead of mine. You'd understand why folding a simple load of laundry can keep me from feeling like a terrible mother. You'd understand why I want the dresser organized the way I do and you wouldn't question it or undermine me, even if it didn't make complete logical sense. You'd understand why it would be so completely frustrating to me to sit back and watch someone else attempt to do things to try to help me, and struggle with them, and for me to know that if I was doing it, I wouldn't have problems getting the job done. You'd defend me from people wanting to come in and do things their way thinking that it's helpful to me, and you'd protect me from missing out on important things. I need that understanding and that defense and protection and I haven't been able to find that without you.

When people ask me how they can help me, I think I'm going to have to start changing my answer to, "you can come and do the things that I can't do the way I want them done, or you can leave me alone". I have a significant increase in contractions and the level of discomfort that I experience because of them when I get stressed out, so you can imagine what sort of pain I'm in at the moment from all that has been going on this weekend.

I really really do miss you and I wish that you were here to save me like you always saved me. I'm not strong enough physically, mentally, or emotionally to save myself yet, and I feel like I'm drowning. And so I just sit here and pray, "come save me, come save me, come save me".

I love you very very much, and I love you more today for being the best friend and protector I've ever had than I ever have before.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Isopropyl Alcohol


"You know you're a cancer patient or caregiver when:....

  • your supply of isopropyl alcohol is not found in a bottle in your medicine cabinet but rather in the form of many many alcohol pads"
Sad huh? That's us for sure. I got the glass top for the dresser that I ordered last week today and I was attaching some hooks to the glass and the instructions said to clean the surface with the alcohol so I busted out some alcohol swabs and got the job done. But, as I was using the swabs, the all-too familiar scent of the alcohol came rushing back to me, and I actually decided that it's one of my favorite smells in the world. It reminds me so much of you, and I know that's really twisted, but I had a good reaction to the scent as opposed to a bad so I figure....why not?

I just wanted to share this with you. I now know that I love the smell of isopropyl alcohol because it reminds me of you.

I miss you, sweetheart. And I love love love you.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Starting to Hit Me


I ordered the Utes onesies for the girls to come home from the hospital in last and I got the call today that they were in. My dad went and picked them up at the store for me and when I saw them I had this moment like, "holy crap I'm about to have two babies" and not just that I was having babies but that they are my children. I'm not just going to be babysitting for the Hurley's or Kriech's....these are our daughters. It was this mind-blowing, breathtaking, core-shocking realization. And of course it's not like I haven't realized that this is happening before, but it's getting so close to when they're going to be here that the feeling of how real this is is starting to set in.

I'm ready though. I've been waiting my whole life to be a mom and I've been ready for this for a really long time. I'm ready in the sense of being prepared with most of the things that I'll need in order to get through the day with twins too. The nursery is done and the cribs are set up. I'm just waiting on a few things to get set in place but for the most part everything is prepared.

The only thing I'm not ready for is to do this without you. I'm not saying I'm doing this alone, I'm saying I'm doing this without you. You're my husband and their father and you're not here to be with us. I've known that this was how it was going to be for a few months now but I am still not anymore used to the idea as I was the day after you died. I don't know how I'm going to do this without you and no amount of registry items, wall paint, or years of wanting to be a mother could have possibly prepared me for going through this without you right by my side. I'm heartbroken for myself, and for Sophie and Olivia, and also for you that you never got to experience what our family is about to become. We had so many wishes and ideas for how we were going to raise our family together, and you never even got to know what we were having let alone be able to hold the girls. I really really don't know how I'm going to do this without you, and I would give anything and everything to have you here with me.

I miss you so much every day and especially during moments like my realization I had this afternoon. But you're still here somehow, in so many ways you're still a part of all of our lives. Like how we planned to bring the girls home in the Utes onesies--I'm still planning on doing that and I know you would have enjoyed it as much as I do. It's really something I love most about you.

I love you so much and I am excited and heartbroken all at the same time over what is about to happen. I just wish you were here to be with us, with me. I love you sweetheart.

Monday, September 13, 2010

3 More Memories


It's me again, your downer wife. I thought tonight instead of being miserable I'd try and remember some of the good about us and about you again...not that it's hard to do. So, here are my 3 things that I remembered tonight:

1. The Shanahan: In the spirit of the NFL season starting this week and Shanahan coaching his first game with the Redskins, I'll name this memory. You and I were watching the Broncos/Raiders game and it was the last play of the game and Janikowski was up for a field goal to win it and Shanahan called his time out right before the snap. The kick was good and I cringed because I thought the Raiders had just won the game and you were celebrating and rubbing it in my face. Then of course it came to light what really happened and the second attempt was missed and you couldn't believe it! And every time that tactic was used from that point on you couldn't go without bellyaching about the original. Classic.

2. I love the memory of when you and I were living in Indianapolis and we were coming home from my cousin's wedding in St. Louis and your stomach had busted open with that festering puss gross. I remember when we went into the ER to have them check it out and the only way we could describe the wound to people was that you had a hole in your stomach, and no one could quite figure out what that meant. So we were in the triage room waiting for your nurse to come in and check you out. I made it a point to watch their faces as they pulled up your gown to see your wound. Their expressions were priceless--I've never seen people's eyes so close to bulging out of their heads!

3. I also love the memories of us staying up super late at night watching The Office and Grey's Anatomy at your apartment. And then sometimes we'd get into all these deep religious conversations with Trevor. Those nights were my favorite.

So anyway I hope you liked these things as much as I did and that you weren't too upset about the Shanahan thing.

I love you still every day, and I miss you something awful.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

My Comforter


So, everyone has a safety place right? Like, a place where they go when they feel scared or intimidated or just need to feel at peace. My place was with my face buried in your chest with your arms all around me. I really miss being able to go to my place because without you here I feel so exposed. I feel like my life is an open book, my fears are out there for everyone to see, and I have no place to run to for comfort like I did when you were here with me. You made everything completely better just by wrapping your arms around me. How silly is it that a grown woman who is about to be a mother of 2 can't find another place to go to for comfort? And I need it so badly right now, I need to be comforted. And nothing helps-people's visits, well-wishes, help with meals or cleaning-none of it brings me any peace, and in truth it actually adds to my turmoil. I hate people doing things for me and I hate being pitied even more. I'm not asking for people to feel sorry for me, and I don't want their sympathy. I just want my husband back. Here I am again, sounding ungrateful, and I'm really truly not. But I am allowed to have an opinion on all of this and to have feelings about everything, and this is just the way I feel. I appreciate everyone's concern but I wish that they'd all just go away and leave me alone in peace, or at least alone to work out finding peace on my own.

I miss you as my husband and I miss you as my comforter. You never even had to say anything although you did always know what the right thing to say to me was. What we had is irreplaceable and I mourn the loss of that right along with the loss of you. I miss having my fears subside because of one look from you, one touch from you, one kiss from you. I miss you.

I could use your chest and arms right about now. I miss you and I love you terribly.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Still Asking Why


I still find myself asking "why" all the time. I can't get passed it. No matter how hard I try to rationalize your death or this situation or figure out what the hell I'm supposed to do next--I can't get passed this question. I need to know why it was you who had to die. I need to know why the doctors couldn't cure you. I need to know why after everything else that God put me through in my life he felt the need to rob me of my soul mate and true love. Why couldn't you and I have been like everyone else and had a normal life together? Why couldn't we have had our daughters together and raised them together and grown old together? Why did you die the way you did--so traumatically and suddenly? Why did you have to die from one of the most curable forms of cancer? Why didn't we catch it sooner? Why didn't I spend absolutely every waking moment I had with you instead of wasting time at work or on photo shoots or shopping? Why am I already starting to forget things? Why does it get harder everyday to be without you instead of easier? Why is this really real?

Asking why is exhausting, to say the least. And there are so many other "why" questions that I can't seem to find the answers to. Sometimes I envy you. You're in a place now where there is no more "why" and all of your questions have been answered. But truthfully, if I had the answers to these questions and had clarity about all of it, would I really be okay? No, I don't think so. But maybe it would be a start?

I love you so much and I miss you so much and I try not to drive myself crazy with these questions. But, the longer they go unanswered, the more I find that the less answers I actually have, the more questions I find to ask, and the more it all eats away at me. Day by day by day. I want you to come back to me. I'm still not ready to give you up. I didn't sign up for this. I agreed to live a life with you, not to live a life without you.

I miss you, I love you, I miss you, I love you, I miss you. I love you.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Somewhere Between Here and There


I was looking around the house today and realized that I'm stuck halfway between the past and the future. There are some reminders of the present but mostly there are reminders of the past and windows into the future. The whiteboard calendar on the refrigerator is still written up for May, but I have posted this season's Utes football schedule with a magnet up next to it. The coffee table is littered with mail and my textbooks for this semester, but the bottom shelf still has all of your medications right where you left them. Inside the fridge I find the orange juice that my dad bought for me yesterday, but there's also a bottle of ginger ale that was yours that's only half used. In the hallway is the framed Utes shirt that Eric Weddle signed for us, and it's sitting in the hallway because I took it off the wall when I painted the nursery for the girls. And don't even get me started on the bedroom. The humidifier that you went out and bought for me in the middle of the night (literally, it was like 2 am when you went to Wal-Mart to get me that thing) while I was sick with a terrible cold during my first trimester is still sitting all set up on my nightstand, but the closet is now filled with boxes and filing cabinets and other things in storage that had to be moved out of the nursery as well.

It's like I'm living in some sort of twisted time capsule and with one turn I'll be faced with the imminent future of our daughters being born soon, and with the next step I'll be blown back off my feet into the past, back to when you were with me. I think I keep a hold on my sanity by finding the things around the house that hold me to the present, like my textbooks and current bottle of orange juice in the fridge, but it's a very weak hold even at that. I'm truly stuck somewhere between here and there.

And again, like everything else that is so messed up in life right now, you are in none of these places with me. You exist only in memory when I run into the past, and you exist only in thought when I run into the future. And you exist only within me when I am living in the present, but I can't feel you the way I want to or should be able to. I still have to remind myself everyday that you're gone and that you're not coming back, and that reality hits me on its own sometimes without me making a conscious effort to hit myself. It's exhausting living in 3 places at once. It's painful to be in the past without you, it's unbearable to be in the present without you, and it's terrifying to look into the future without you. I'm in a spinning vortex between all of these places, past, present, and future, and there's no end in sight.

I wish you could come rescue me from this maze the way you rescued me so many times before. You saved me from the world, from myself, and from everything else in between. You kept me safe, and now without you I'm free falling. I love you for saving me just like I love you for everything else you were for me and did for me. I love you for just having been you for me. Of course I miss you, sweetheart, but definitely I love you. I wish that somehow in all of this spinning and twisting and turning between the here and there, I'd twist and turn and spin myself right back into your solid, warm, strong arms.

I love you Sean. I love you honey. I love you sweetheart.

Monday, September 6, 2010

Football Update


The college football season has officially started but the NFL hasn't quite yet. It starts this week though and the one thing I'm looking forward to in terms of being on bed rest is being able to watch all of the early game (which the Broncos frequently have) instead of having to miss half of it because church ran late again.

The Utes beat Pittsburgh in OT last Thursday which was good. Pitt was ranked 15th, I think that was the AP poll. Tonight Boise State beat VA Tech with a win they pulled out of their butts in the last 2 minutes of the 4th quarter, and BSU is ranked 3rd, which I find utterly ridiculous and absurd. How many times have I heard commentators and sports analysts talk about how Utah's strength of schedule has held them back in the past in terms of being real contenders for the BCS title game and BSU is ranked 3rd with only Oregon State left to play as a real/worthy opponent for the entire season? You're kidding me right?

Roethlisberger didn't get voted in by the team as a captain this season because he's been a complete idiot off the field in his personal behavior this off season (you were actually alive at that point when all of this was going on), and his suspension from the commissioner got cut to 4 games. What a break for him.

Favre says he's going to come back with a vengence and (of course he is still playing this season.....ridiculous) make up for his serious blunder against the Saints during the post-season last year....we'll see.

And BYU proved themselves the ultimate idiots and have officially announced they are going independent in football and will join the West Coast Conference for everything else. I guess they couldn't bear to be left behind in the MWC in Utah's giant shadow. Poor BSU though, now all they have is TCU in their conference which now with Utah and BYU leaving isn't going to be much better next year than the WAC is this year. (Side note: Max Hall got picked up by the Cardinals who dropped Leinart who was picked up by the Texans--I can't even comment on this....)

Oakland plays in Tennessee for their opening game this season....good luck with that. Also, I was at your grave today and your little Raiders helmet guy that your mom put on your grave is gone. I don't know what happened to it, but I promise you I didn't move it--although I would have maybe liked to. Ha. My broncos are playing Jacksonville in Jacksonville. I don't remember them being all that great last year, but with what our awful coach has done to this team in the last year, I'm not sure I even have hope at all for this season. It hurts me that the likes of Champ Bailey and Evlis Dummerville have to play with the garbage that Josh McDaniels has brought to our team this year. He's the new Al Davis for sure, although he's still trying to be Bill Belichick.

*Sigh* I love you honey, and football makes me miss you and not all at the same time. I will definitely give it a chance this season and we'll see if I can make it through without you. I'll see if I can manage. I miss you a lot a lot, and I love you very very very much.

Go Utes.

Saturday, September 4, 2010



I had a baby shower today for the girls and it was given to me by Melanie and your Aunt Diane. They were really sweet and even relocated the whole thing to my parents house in Murray from Diane's house in Lehi because my doctor put me on bed rest and I'm not supposed to even leave the house. I did okay today because I had always expected to go through this event without you there since I hadn't planned on having men at the shower, but what was hard about it, and about some other days that I've had as well, was people taking pictures of me.

I've never liked having my picture taken, even when I was little. I've always hated the way I look in pictures, and always preferred being behind the camera rather than in front of it. And even though I haven't gained a whole lot of pregnancy weight (only around 20 lbs), I still feel big and fat and gross so it's hard for me to be okay with having my picture taken for that reason. But, like that reason isn't enough as it is, the biggest thing that bothers me about having my picture taken now is that I don't want to remember myself during this time without you being here. Every time I go back and look at pictures of me pregnant I'm going to remember how you weren't here. I'm going to see myself with my giant belly full of our daughters and remember how they lost their father much too soon. Every time I see a picture of me right now, I'll remember the feelings that I have each day about how hard it is to even wake up and get up out of bed and try to live another day instead of just giving up and completely letting myself go. If it wasn't for our daughters, I think I'd lay down on a blanket at the cemetery next to your grave, stop eating and drinking, and just lay there for the rest of my (inevitably short) life.

I don't want pictures taken of me right now because I don't want to have this time in my life captured for me to forever remember. It's haunting, and my hope is that I will someday be healed from the ghost of you and of us together. I love the pictures that you and I had together during our life together, but without you here, I don't want any taken of me because I will always remember this time in my life on my own anyway, and I don't need the pregnant pictures of me, standing there fat and alone, widowed without a husband, staring me back in the face reminding me that you weren't here and I had to do this alone.

So now that today happened and the shower happened, there are pictures of me, pregnant with our daughters who have lost their father, me surrounded by people who love me but still feel sorry for me because I've lost you, me alone with out you. And any time I see these pictures, I'll be reminded of these awful feelings and thoughts that I experience on a daily basis and a part of me will die each time. I'm sad that these pictures exist, and I know that maybe someday I'd look back and wish I had at least one picture of me pregnant just for the sake of remembering that experience, but I think the pain of the overwhelmingly consuming feelings of lamentations that I have because you're not here will always overpower the sense of pride I feel in carrying our daughters.

Like always, I love you very very much today, and I've thought about you constantly. I miss you terribly, and it always hurts something awful. And as far as taking pictures go, I'd give anything to have another, just a snapshot, of me and you together, standing next to each other and smiling because we were happy. Forced smiles never go unnoticed.

I love you, sweetheart, and I hope you don't hold it against me that for now, I'm going to do my best to try and stay behind the camera rather than in front of it.

Thursday, September 2, 2010



I'm trying to stay calm but you know how I get. There is a lot I'd like to get done in the next little while before the babies are here, and that time just grows shorter and shorter each day. You know how I'm always needing to be busy and to be working on something and getting something accomplished, and it's killing me that I have to lay here in a bed all day and that I can only think about what needs to get done instead of actually being able to do it. It's stressful for me to think about how messy the house is and how cluttered the trunk of the car is and how I don't want anyone to help me deal with that stuff becuase I just want to do it on my own.

And then I think, it's too soon for these babies to be born! And really what I'm most concerned about is having them be shipped off to the NICU where I'll have limited access to them, and I won't be allowed to touch them or breastfeed them, and I have serious serious objections to our daughters starting off their life in that way--it's the most inhumane thing I can think of. And I'm not saying that these things are actually going to happen if the babies come soon, but it's what I'm afraid of and stressed out about.

I wish you were here with me. I've thought a lot about the things you'd say to me if you were here with me, and I miss how supportive you were and how loving and caring you always were to me. I need that from you so much right now, it's so hard to do this without you. I just hope that you're here with me still, in whatever way that would be possible. I don't feel you but I do believe that if you could be here with me you would be, and that gives me a slight sense of comfort. I have support from our families here and all, but nothing that can come close to replacing your being here. I just really miss you.

I'll try to calm myself for your sake and for the girls' sakes because I know that's what you'd be saying to me now. I love you very much, and your girls will be here soon to love you too, and we'll all miss you together.

3 Months


Yesterday was the 3 month mark. It comes by so quickly and yet so slowly at the same time. I know there's a lot going on to keep me occupied right now but it doesn't mean I don't keep track of how long it has been since I was happy.

People think that since I'm having these girls that I'm supposed to just be automatically happy with that prospect and that I'm supposed to lean on that as my source of joy in life. And while that's a nice point to make, I can't admit to feeling that way all the time. Sometimes I'm actually unhappy that I'm pregnant and having twins and I'd wish that I wasn't in this situation with them. Sometimes I think it would be easier if it had just been you and me, and then just me. That way I'd be able to work through all of this at a pace that was good and all whole and healing just for me, but now I have to consider trying to be at that point since the babies are almost here and I don't want them to have some psychologically damaged mother.

Is that a horrible thing to say--that sometimes being pregnant and knowing I'm having these babies doesn't bring me one ounce of happiness? If it is, I guess I'm sorry, but it really is how I feel sometimes. And another thing, I'm getting really sick and tired of all the "stay positive" crap that people are so quick to suggest to me. Do people thing I want to be this way? Do people think that I want to sulk in my awful life and spend my days feeling sorry for myself? I don't think that's what I'm doing. I think I have a pretty good argument to the contrary as a matter of fact. Pretty sure that if I wanted to I could spend all day sitting around moping and feeling sorry for myself but I choose to go on with life and get through another day, one day at a time, for the overall sake and benefit of what is now left of our family.

I guess I have some underlying anger issues this evening, but what can you do. Stress takes a toll on me, yeah okay of course, but the next person to tell me that everything's going to be okay and to "hang in there" is going to get their face hit. If they were in my shoes, they wouldn't want to hear it either. But, just like I discovered when people find out you're getting married or are pregnant, people will always give you their opinions whether you ask for them or not, and you have to take everything with a grain of salt because more often than not, they don't even know what their talking about and they're just regurgitating what they interpret to be helpful and constructive support.

So back to my point of it being 3 months since you died---I think that 3 months is still an incredibly short period of time in relation to dealing with everything I have on my plate, and I don't feel sorry about the fact that I'm still not okay with everything and that I refuse to take people's "advice" and turn to the birth of these babies as my alternate source of happiness in life--at least for the moment. I'll be happy about the hand God has dealt me when I'm good and ready to be, and not a moment earlier. And I think you already knew that about me.

Anyway, I love you very much and I miss you and I wish you were here to talk me down out of this state of irritated annoyance. You were always good for my blood pressure.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Closer Than We Thought


It's almost time--you're almost a daddy. Your girls do not want to stay put. They're perfectly healthy and growing just fine right where they are but my stupid body wants to be done with my pregnancy, so here I am in the hopsital again with pre-term labor symptoms and not a clear end in sight.

I'm on bedrest now, and you know how much I hate that. What do I do when things are going on and things need to be taken care of? I take care of things, and being told that I can't do that is beyond frustrating.

My contractions hurt sometimes, as do the other.......checks.....that they have to do on me, and I have no one's hand to sqeeze. I squeeze the handle bars on the bed frame, and would give anything anything anything in the world to be squeezing your hand. The nights are terribly lonely, especially since I lay in a bed that I last layed in with you as you left me and went to Heaven. I can't help it, all of these rooms look the same, and you're written all over this hospital. The gowns still smell like you, the bed is still cold on your side since we aren't snuggling together next to each other for warmth. The IV's, and medications, and doctors consultations, and ultrasounds, and monitors all remind me of you because you went through all of it and so much more. I can't remove a bandaid without complaining and you never complained once. I try to remember that as I go through this--I remember what you went through, and I appreciate what I am going through. But I'd give anything to go through it with you.

So far the nurses haven't bothered me about, "so is your Husband on his way?" "is there a father in the picture" "do you have a significant other"? And this I really appreciate. It's not that I don't want to be reminded of you, it's that I'm already thinking about you constantly and it hurts SO much, it would be like pouring lemon juice on my one million papercuts. I know you'd be proud of me, and I wish you were here so I could tell you that I'm proud of you too.

I had to drop nearly my entire semester. I am managing to take 2 online courses for pre-requisites through SLCC and will still be able to live off of student loans, but I have had to apply for medicaid, and financial assistance. My plan A quickly turned into plan Q and you'd tell me that it's for the best, and you'd be right, but that doesn't mean I need to like it, and you always understood and respected that about me. Oh, I love you so much.

So how I'm doing all I can (meaning staying in bed and taking my meds when they bring them to me) to keep the babies in for a little while longer, but I'm afraid they're coming soon and then it will all be happening. I love you with all of my heart and soul and all of the life in me. I miss you the same and hope that you're here with me or watching over us in some way so that I can reassure myself I'm not really alone. Alone = without you, and I am all alone in a very permanent way.

At least the pain from my contractions will not amount to the pain I feel in being without you every day--it will be something like a nice break actually. But for them, at least I know that with each one, I am one moment closer to meeting our daughters, and to spending the rest of my life showing them how to make it in this crazy world. They will love you like you loved them, I'll make sure of it.

For now, I love you though, and I miss you, and I love our girls and our family that is soon to become more than just myself again. I love you sweet hubby of mine. I alway love you.