I'm going crazy. Stir crazy. You know how I can't sit still. Ever. This weekend was another of cleaning (or wishing), homework, baby showers, and football. And I'm completely overwhelmed. I have a list of things to get done in the next 2 weeks (that's my timeframe--2 weeks, just in case), and there are people who want to help me with getting these things taken care of, and I have to let them. Otherwise I'll risk going into labor too soon, and I know that my pride and anxiousness are not valid excuses for jeopardizing the health of our daughters. But now that I've moved passed the part where I can't let people help me because I just want to do everything myself, I'm stuck in the part where it's killing me because things aren't being done the way that I would have done them. My mom has the dresser all arranged with clothes by sizes and purposes and what not, which sounds like something I would do, but it's not the way I wanted the dresser to be organized and I'm not even technically supposed to be in there, so how can I justify rearranging everything? Some of the baby clothes got dried with a dryer sheet which doesn't sound like a big deal except that it totally defeats the purpose of washing the clothes in baby-safe laundry detergent in terms of keeping off agents that will irritate their skin in their clothes. So, everything had to get washed again. And then, after I specifically asked to have the laundry left on the couch so that I could do something and fold it all up, I sat there and watched as my request was completely disregarded. It's like I'm invisible now. Everything has crossed the line from where I want things done a certain way, to not even being given the change to do the things that I can do. And it is a big deal because I want to have had a part in all of the preparations. I want to have said that I helped get things ready. I want to be a part in this stage of taking care of my own daughters, I can't get anyone to hear me. I'm an invalid trapped on the couch with everyone asking me how they can help and with absolutely no one actually listening to what I'm saying, "do the things that need to be done to get the house prepared for the babies to be here that I am physically not able to do myself, and let me do the things that I am able to do so that I can be a part of this". I wish you were here because you would understand why all of this is so important to me. You'd understand why I can't simply allow someone to come into our house and go through our personal belongings and clean according to their standards instead of mine. You'd understand why folding a simple load of laundry can keep me from feeling like a terrible mother. You'd understand why I want the dresser organized the way I do and you wouldn't question it or undermine me, even if it didn't make complete logical sense. You'd understand why it would be so completely frustrating to me to sit back and watch someone else attempt to do things to try to help me, and struggle with them, and for me to know that if I was doing it, I wouldn't have problems getting the job done. You'd defend me from people wanting to come in and do things their way thinking that it's helpful to me, and you'd protect me from missing out on important things. I need that understanding and that defense and protection and I haven't been able to find that without you.
When people ask me how they can help me, I think I'm going to have to start changing my answer to, "you can come and do the things that I can't do the way I want them done, or you can leave me alone". I have a significant increase in contractions and the level of discomfort that I experience because of them when I get stressed out, so you can imagine what sort of pain I'm in at the moment from all that has been going on this weekend.
I really really do miss you and I wish that you were here to save me like you always saved me. I'm not strong enough physically, mentally, or emotionally to save myself yet, and I feel like I'm drowning. And so I just sit here and pray, "come save me, come save me, come save me".
I love you very very much, and I love you more today for being the best friend and protector I've ever had than I ever have before.