Sunday, September 26, 2010

Nowhere Near Healed


Why is it that cancer is so dominating? We always did the best we could to live a normal life outside of what was clearly putting both of us through hell. I don't think it was that we were in denial or wanted to avoid talking about anything, but more that we refused to be anything but hopeful. And I wish that you had never had cancer and that neither one of us had to go through what we did, but I'm glad that of all the people in this world, you were the one there with me.

You taught me so much from your example of patience, determination, and love. I have never known anyone to endure anywhere near as much as what you went through and the entire time you were sick, you were always concerned about my well-being. You didn't complain, you didn't give up hope, and you were always looking for a way to beat your cancer. You always wanted to make the best life possible for the both of us, and you wanted to make sure our children had a future.

I guess I'm writing this tonight because remembering these things about you helps strengthen me when I feel lost and when I start to lose hope. I look at what you went through and all that you did for me, and I know that I have to go on. My mom said that she has had comments from people about how well I seem to be doing and that I seem to be looking like I'm getting back on my feet and all I can say is that people see what they want to see. I still struggle every day and whatever people think they see is something that I don't feel is there. I feel like I might as well be a Tom and Jerry cartoon with a giant cannon ball hole blown through Tom with him wobbling around aimlessly looking for the rest of him to turn up.

So, I'm still trying to do my best every day to hold myself together for my own sake (because you fought so hard for me while you were fighting for yourself) and for the sake of our daughters. I'm no where near better, I'm no where near healed. Who knows if I will ever be, but I do still look to you for reassurance, and even though you're not here anymore to be there for me, I remember all the times that you were, and I love you for that.

I love you so so much.


  1. Karen -

    This is Jami, Sean's friend Squire Hepworth's wife. When someone you love passes away, it seems you can never be quite whole again. I can't imagine all you must be feeling, but your blog has given me just a little glimpse. I've thought a lot about you since we saw you last in the hospital room. Squire and I will continue to keep you and your little girls in our prayers. When Squire and I lost our first baby, it took me a very long time to feel "healed". The tears still flow in abundance at times, thinking about our loss (even with another baby on the way). What I learned with my small tragedy: cry every tear, and feel every emotion you need to feel, regardless of the fact that other people may be uncomfortable with your suffering or suggest it's your time to move on. We'll be thinking about you and praying for you. I wish we could do more for you. Squire still mentions Sean every now and then in a quiet moment. Just thought I'd let you know.


  2. Karen, I found Sean's blog through the TC forum which I joined when my son (same age as Sean) was diagnosed; and followed faithfully till the end and then found your blog. Something I can't explain compelled me to write to you tonight. In lots of your posting you ask why God would give him to you only to take him away and leave you with a broken heart and plagued by the why and how it could be God's plan. I offer you this: maybe because Our Lord knew Sean would not be long on this earth, He sent You to Sean so that you would give Sean happiness and joy and love and strength in his brief time. Because you served God so well by giving Sean all these things in abundance, Jesus gave you Sean's babies against incredible odds as your reward for doing his work. Maybe his plan for the girls is to carry on that special love that you and Sean shared and to comfort you while Daddy rests in peace. I hope they do God's work as beautifully as you did. You are an angel.