Starting to Hit Me

Honey,

I ordered the Utes onesies for the girls to come home from the hospital in last and I got the call today that they were in. My dad went and picked them up at the store for me and when I saw them I had this moment like, "holy crap I'm about to have two babies" and not just that I was having babies but that they are my children. I'm not just going to be babysitting for the Hurley's or Kriech's....these are our daughters. It was this mind-blowing, breathtaking, core-shocking realization. And of course it's not like I haven't realized that this is happening before, but it's getting so close to when they're going to be here that the feeling of how real this is is starting to set in.

I'm ready though. I've been waiting my whole life to be a mom and I've been ready for this for a really long time. I'm ready in the sense of being prepared with most of the things that I'll need in order to get through the day with twins too. The nursery is done and the cribs are set up. I'm just waiting on a few things to get set in place but for the most part everything is prepared.

The only thing I'm not ready for is to do this without you. I'm not saying I'm doing this alone, I'm saying I'm doing this without you. You're my husband and their father and you're not here to be with us. I've known that this was how it was going to be for a few months now but I am still not anymore used to the idea as I was the day after you died. I don't know how I'm going to do this without you and no amount of registry items, wall paint, or years of wanting to be a mother could have possibly prepared me for going through this without you right by my side. I'm heartbroken for myself, and for Sophie and Olivia, and also for you that you never got to experience what our family is about to become. We had so many wishes and ideas for how we were going to raise our family together, and you never even got to know what we were having let alone be able to hold the girls. I really really don't know how I'm going to do this without you, and I would give anything and everything to have you here with me.

I miss you so much every day and especially during moments like my realization I had this afternoon. But you're still here somehow, in so many ways you're still a part of all of our lives. Like how we planned to bring the girls home in the Utes onesies--I'm still planning on doing that and I know you would have enjoyed it as much as I do. It's really something I love most about you.

I love you so much and I am excited and heartbroken all at the same time over what is about to happen. I just wish you were here to be with us, with me. I love you sweetheart.