Sunday, September 12, 2010

My Comforter


So, everyone has a safety place right? Like, a place where they go when they feel scared or intimidated or just need to feel at peace. My place was with my face buried in your chest with your arms all around me. I really miss being able to go to my place because without you here I feel so exposed. I feel like my life is an open book, my fears are out there for everyone to see, and I have no place to run to for comfort like I did when you were here with me. You made everything completely better just by wrapping your arms around me. How silly is it that a grown woman who is about to be a mother of 2 can't find another place to go to for comfort? And I need it so badly right now, I need to be comforted. And nothing helps-people's visits, well-wishes, help with meals or cleaning-none of it brings me any peace, and in truth it actually adds to my turmoil. I hate people doing things for me and I hate being pitied even more. I'm not asking for people to feel sorry for me, and I don't want their sympathy. I just want my husband back. Here I am again, sounding ungrateful, and I'm really truly not. But I am allowed to have an opinion on all of this and to have feelings about everything, and this is just the way I feel. I appreciate everyone's concern but I wish that they'd all just go away and leave me alone in peace, or at least alone to work out finding peace on my own.

I miss you as my husband and I miss you as my comforter. You never even had to say anything although you did always know what the right thing to say to me was. What we had is irreplaceable and I mourn the loss of that right along with the loss of you. I miss having my fears subside because of one look from you, one touch from you, one kiss from you. I miss you.

I could use your chest and arms right about now. I miss you and I love you terribly.

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