I had one of my weekly doctor appointments today. I'm 33 weeks along now which means I'm bigger than most people are when they deliver 1 baby (I wish people would stop saying I'm not that big....I get what it was like for you when people said you looked good bald--even though I didn't mind that look on you). Everything went fine, the babies are healthy as far as they can tell right now, their heartbeats look normal, and everyone's just passing the time until they're born. My doctor said that in 1 week I can go off the nifedipine because delivering twins at 34 weeks (if I do go into labor so soon after stopping the medicine) isn't such a bad gestational age. She said that if I can get to 36 weeks off the nifedipine, not only can I come off of bed rest, but the chances that the babies will need to be in the NICU will be much much smaller. So, if I can make it another 3 weeks, go off my medicine, and come off bed rest, whenever the babies come after those points they'll most likely be able to come home with me from the hospital. I'm not sure if I'll make it another 3 weeks without going into labor but even if I do, as long as they're healthy and weigh enough they won't have to be in the NICU either.
So, we're almost there. I'm getting more and more nervous each day about doing this without you. And at this point I'm mostly referring to actual labor as opposed to raising the girls. I'm not excited to do that by myself either, but I can handle it. I don't know if I'll be able to handle labor without you there. You were always so caring and concerned about me whenever I was sick or in pain or had anything wrong with me, you'd be so great to have around during labor to keep the people away, squeeze my hand, and remind me to breathe. I have to remind myself to breathe all the time now that you're not around.
I miss you a lot, and no one will come close to filling in your spot in this event, and so I'll be left with a gaping hole next to me, wishing you were there with me the whole time. And I don't want to hear this "there in spirit" nonsense from people anymore. It's just not the same, and not what I need from you. I know you'd be there for me like crazy if you could.
I love you for giving me these precious babies and I can't wait to meet them and see how much they look like their daddy. I can't wait to see which of your personality traits they'll have inherited and I can't imagine how much you'd be laughing to see me try and take this on by myself. But you know I'm tough, and I know I'm tough, and I know how much you loved all of us, and that's all I have to get me through this.
I love you sweetheart, and I wish I had your hand here to squeeze.