Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Closer Than We Thought


It's almost time--you're almost a daddy. Your girls do not want to stay put. They're perfectly healthy and growing just fine right where they are but my stupid body wants to be done with my pregnancy, so here I am in the hopsital again with pre-term labor symptoms and not a clear end in sight.

I'm on bedrest now, and you know how much I hate that. What do I do when things are going on and things need to be taken care of? I take care of things, and being told that I can't do that is beyond frustrating.

My contractions hurt sometimes, as do the other.......checks.....that they have to do on me, and I have no one's hand to sqeeze. I squeeze the handle bars on the bed frame, and would give anything anything anything in the world to be squeezing your hand. The nights are terribly lonely, especially since I lay in a bed that I last layed in with you as you left me and went to Heaven. I can't help it, all of these rooms look the same, and you're written all over this hospital. The gowns still smell like you, the bed is still cold on your side since we aren't snuggling together next to each other for warmth. The IV's, and medications, and doctors consultations, and ultrasounds, and monitors all remind me of you because you went through all of it and so much more. I can't remove a bandaid without complaining and you never complained once. I try to remember that as I go through this--I remember what you went through, and I appreciate what I am going through. But I'd give anything to go through it with you.

So far the nurses haven't bothered me about, "so is your Husband on his way?" "is there a father in the picture" "do you have a significant other"? And this I really appreciate. It's not that I don't want to be reminded of you, it's that I'm already thinking about you constantly and it hurts SO much, it would be like pouring lemon juice on my one million papercuts. I know you'd be proud of me, and I wish you were here so I could tell you that I'm proud of you too.

I had to drop nearly my entire semester. I am managing to take 2 online courses for pre-requisites through SLCC and will still be able to live off of student loans, but I have had to apply for medicaid, and financial assistance. My plan A quickly turned into plan Q and you'd tell me that it's for the best, and you'd be right, but that doesn't mean I need to like it, and you always understood and respected that about me. Oh, I love you so much.

So how I'm doing all I can (meaning staying in bed and taking my meds when they bring them to me) to keep the babies in for a little while longer, but I'm afraid they're coming soon and then it will all be happening. I love you with all of my heart and soul and all of the life in me. I miss you the same and hope that you're here with me or watching over us in some way so that I can reassure myself I'm not really alone. Alone = without you, and I am all alone in a very permanent way.

At least the pain from my contractions will not amount to the pain I feel in being without you every day--it will be something like a nice break actually. But for them, at least I know that with each one, I am one moment closer to meeting our daughters, and to spending the rest of my life showing them how to make it in this crazy world. They will love you like you loved them, I'll make sure of it.

For now, I love you though, and I miss you, and I love our girls and our family that is soon to become more than just myself again. I love you sweet hubby of mine. I alway love you.

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