I'm trying to stay calm but you know how I get. There is a lot I'd like to get done in the next little while before the babies are here, and that time just grows shorter and shorter each day. You know how I'm always needing to be busy and to be working on something and getting something accomplished, and it's killing me that I have to lay here in a bed all day and that I can only think about what needs to get done instead of actually being able to do it. It's stressful for me to think about how messy the house is and how cluttered the trunk of the car is and how I don't want anyone to help me deal with that stuff becuase I just want to do it on my own.
And then I think, it's too soon for these babies to be born! And really what I'm most concerned about is having them be shipped off to the NICU where I'll have limited access to them, and I won't be allowed to touch them or breastfeed them, and I have serious serious objections to our daughters starting off their life in that way--it's the most inhumane thing I can think of. And I'm not saying that these things are actually going to happen if the babies come soon, but it's what I'm afraid of and stressed out about.
I wish you were here with me. I've thought a lot about the things you'd say to me if you were here with me, and I miss how supportive you were and how loving and caring you always were to me. I need that from you so much right now, it's so hard to do this without you. I just hope that you're here with me still, in whatever way that would be possible. I don't feel you but I do believe that if you could be here with me you would be, and that gives me a slight sense of comfort. I have support from our families here and all, but nothing that can come close to replacing your being here. I just really miss you.
I'll try to calm myself for your sake and for the girls' sakes because I know that's what you'd be saying to me now. I love you very much, and your girls will be here soon to love you too, and we'll all miss you together.