I was looking around the house today and realized that I'm stuck halfway between the past and the future. There are some reminders of the present but mostly there are reminders of the past and windows into the future. The whiteboard calendar on the refrigerator is still written up for May, but I have posted this season's Utes football schedule with a magnet up next to it. The coffee table is littered with mail and my textbooks for this semester, but the bottom shelf still has all of your medications right where you left them. Inside the fridge I find the orange juice that my dad bought for me yesterday, but there's also a bottle of ginger ale that was yours that's only half used. In the hallway is the framed Utes shirt that Eric Weddle signed for us, and it's sitting in the hallway because I took it off the wall when I painted the nursery for the girls. And don't even get me started on the bedroom. The humidifier that you went out and bought for me in the middle of the night (literally, it was like 2 am when you went to Wal-Mart to get me that thing) while I was sick with a terrible cold during my first trimester is still sitting all set up on my nightstand, but the closet is now filled with boxes and filing cabinets and other things in storage that had to be moved out of the nursery as well.
It's like I'm living in some sort of twisted time capsule and with one turn I'll be faced with the imminent future of our daughters being born soon, and with the next step I'll be blown back off my feet into the past, back to when you were with me. I think I keep a hold on my sanity by finding the things around the house that hold me to the present, like my textbooks and current bottle of orange juice in the fridge, but it's a very weak hold even at that. I'm truly stuck somewhere between here and there.
And again, like everything else that is so messed up in life right now, you are in none of these places with me. You exist only in memory when I run into the past, and you exist only in thought when I run into the future. And you exist only within me when I am living in the present, but I can't feel you the way I want to or should be able to. I still have to remind myself everyday that you're gone and that you're not coming back, and that reality hits me on its own sometimes without me making a conscious effort to hit myself. It's exhausting living in 3 places at once. It's painful to be in the past without you, it's unbearable to be in the present without you, and it's terrifying to look into the future without you. I'm in a spinning vortex between all of these places, past, present, and future, and there's no end in sight.
I wish you could come rescue me from this maze the way you rescued me so many times before. You saved me from the world, from myself, and from everything else in between. You kept me safe, and now without you I'm free falling. I love you for saving me just like I love you for everything else you were for me and did for me. I love you for just having been you for me. Of course I miss you, sweetheart, but definitely I love you. I wish that somehow in all of this spinning and twisting and turning between the here and there, I'd twist and turn and spin myself right back into your solid, warm, strong arms.
I love you Sean. I love you honey. I love you sweetheart.