3 Months

Sean,

Yesterday was the 3 month mark. It comes by so quickly and yet so slowly at the same time. I know there's a lot going on to keep me occupied right now but it doesn't mean I don't keep track of how long it has been since I was happy.

People think that since I'm having these girls that I'm supposed to just be automatically happy with that prospect and that I'm supposed to lean on that as my source of joy in life. And while that's a nice point to make, I can't admit to feeling that way all the time. Sometimes I'm actually unhappy that I'm pregnant and having twins and I'd wish that I wasn't in this situation with them. Sometimes I think it would be easier if it had just been you and me, and then just me. That way I'd be able to work through all of this at a pace that was good and all whole and healing just for me, but now I have to consider trying to be at that point since the babies are almost here and I don't want them to have some psychologically damaged mother.

Is that a horrible thing to say--that sometimes being pregnant and knowing I'm having these babies doesn't bring me one ounce of happiness? If it is, I guess I'm sorry, but it really is how I feel sometimes. And another thing, I'm getting really sick and tired of all the "stay positive" crap that people are so quick to suggest to me. Do people thing I want to be this way? Do people think that I want to sulk in my awful life and spend my days feeling sorry for myself? I don't think that's what I'm doing. I think I have a pretty good argument to the contrary as a matter of fact. Pretty sure that if I wanted to I could spend all day sitting around moping and feeling sorry for myself but I choose to go on with life and get through another day, one day at a time, for the overall sake and benefit of what is now left of our family.

I guess I have some underlying anger issues this evening, but what can you do. Stress takes a toll on me, yeah okay of course, but the next person to tell me that everything's going to be okay and to "hang in there" is going to get their face hit. If they were in my shoes, they wouldn't want to hear it either. But, just like I discovered when people find out you're getting married or are pregnant, people will always give you their opinions whether you ask for them or not, and you have to take everything with a grain of salt because more often than not, they don't even know what their talking about and they're just regurgitating what they interpret to be helpful and constructive support.

So back to my point of it being 3 months since you died---I think that 3 months is still an incredibly short period of time in relation to dealing with everything I have on my plate, and I don't feel sorry about the fact that I'm still not okay with everything and that I refuse to take people's "advice" and turn to the birth of these babies as my alternate source of happiness in life--at least for the moment. I'll be happy about the hand God has dealt me when I'm good and ready to be, and not a moment earlier. And I think you already knew that about me.

Anyway, I love you very much and I miss you and I wish you were here to talk me down out of this state of irritated annoyance. You were always good for my blood pressure.