Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Dear God

Dear God,

You took my husband away from me, and you took my daughter's father away from them. You took my mother-in-law's son away from her, and you took Kyle's best friend. We asked you not to. Everyone asked you to cure him and to let him live a long and healthy and happy life. And you just took him. We barely had a chance to say goodbye. And I feel like you robbed me, and you robbed Sean. He had so much going for him. He was so smart, and dedicated and had so much ambition and motivation to succeed in life. He was going to go so far. And he loved me so much. He never left me to go off and be in his own world of cancer. He stayed in this world with me, even when he was being pulled other ways. He always thought of me first. He was so protective of me. He told me how special I was to him and how I was helping him get through all of the struggles and challenges you put him through. He knew that I wasn't there to pity him but that I loved him too and that I would do absolutely anything for him. And I did. I did everything for him. I loved being the person who was there for him when he needed me and when he thought he didn't. And now, I'm just here. Alone. Except worse--I'm just without Sean.

I know that what you've put me through isn't like what Jesus had to go through for the rest of us. But I'm not your son, sent from Heaven to be on this earth and redeem all of mankind. I'm just one human woman who had a husband who I loved more than anything on this earth. He meant everything to me and we meant everything to each other. And what greater purpose did his death serve? Sure a lot of people were touched by his life and his determination and his bravery, but will anyone really remember that 20 years from now? 5 years from now even? He would have done so much more for this world and for the people here by living than he did by dying. He didn't want to leave this place. And it wasn't just because of me. He loved so many people and he wanted to do such great things for this world. And you let him die and now that will never happen.

I am allowed to be angry with you. You killed my husband. And you didn't even bother to give me an understanding of what the hell it was for! And so now I'm just supposed to figure it out on my own? I'm supposed to somehow keep myself afloat, not screw up my kids, and figure out the purpose of Sean's death all at the same time? You couldn't have given him even a few more months? You couldn't have given him the opportunity to say goodbye to me or to his family or friends? You just took him. And then he was gone. And again-I'm still here! And none the better for it either. Who are we kidding--"that which doesn't kill you will only make you stronger" is the biggest bunch of crap I've ever heard. People who say that and expect it to make you feel like you're a stronger person need to have their heads checked because that's insane. Maybe I'd rather it would kill me so it would just be done with. Why does everything need to have some deeper meaning and learning experience hidden inside? Well whatever these answers are, you're definitely not giving them to anyone. It's like it's a giant secret and we have to go through these worldly lives to get to the end and see what's behind door number 3. Well how about this-I don't want to play your stupid game anymore. I just want my husband back.

So, I just want you to know that I'm mad at you right now for taking my husband away from me for no good reason and leaving me with no explanation whatsoever, and then expecting me to be okay with it. So fine, whatever, be like that. But just so you know, I'm going to keep bothering and bugging you until you help me figure this out. So you'd better be ready for a pain in your ass, because I mean it.


1 comment:

  1. Christian life isn't any easier, or more glorious. life is a dirty dirty mess, even with the biggest, most giant Savior on our side... it's still painful and extremely messy. Thanks for being real.