Sunday, June 20, 2010

Father's Day


I missed you so much today. It was so hard getting through today without you. I managed to see both of our dad's today, and I visited your grave. I visit your grave most days, but today was extra special.

I know that you never got to meet and hold Sophie and Olivia like you wanted to. Some people say though that you've already met them. I don't know what to think about that. You're their father, and you'll always be their father. It doesn't matter that they never got to meet you. They'll know who you were and they'll know you. I know that Heaven is a different place than this world is. I know that my human mind is too insignificant to begin to comprehend the wonders and powers of the abilities of our God. I believe that there are endless possibilities where you are, and so I don't know if you've met the girls yet or not, but if you have, I know that they are bringing so much joy to you know. If you haven't met them yet, I know that you will some day, and you'll be so ready to see their faces and meet their wonderful souls.

Even in the extremely small amount of time you had with our daughters, I saw what an amazing father you were to them. Even though they aren't born yet, you fathered them during your time here on earth. Before they were conceived you fathered them by preparing a place for them in your heart and in our home. Your love for them was infinite even before we knew that they existed. Every time we would go to the fertilit
y clinic, no matter how sick you felt, you made it a point to tell me how excited you were and that you knew that everything would work out for us. I remember how strong you were for me during the IVF treatments and how willing you were to help me with my shots because even that small part of the process was a big deal to you in that you were helping to father our children in whatever way was available to you. You were there to laugh at me when I came out of the OR after the egg retrieval and had been given the sedation and was all loopy, and even though I was groggy, I remember the smile and look on your face as you drove me home because you knew that we were one step closer to having our children. You were there with me and held my hand through the entire embryo transfer process and you cried with me when they brought us the first amazing image of our twins as blastocysts.

You were a father to our children every time you took care of me, even when you were sick. Every time you opened my car door, took my hand to help me up off the couch, or made me breakfast, you fathered our children. I remember when I told you I was pregnant. It was a week before they told me I could take a pregnancy test, but I woke up that morning and had a feeling that I should take one. So, I took two into the bathroom with me and came out with a huge smile on my face and a bewildered disbelief in my heart. You were sleeping in bed and I shook you awake and told you to look at the tests I had just brought out. You rolled over sleepily and said, "Honey, it's too soon for you to take those. Go back to bed, I love you". I had to keep waking you up to get you to realize what the tests meant. I remember I had to be somewhere early that morning so I had to leave you, and after I was done, I went into the doctors office to have my blood tested and you called me while I was there and asked, "Did you show me what I think you did this morning?" and I said, "yes, look on the counter". I left the tests there for you to see when you woke up so that you'd believe. Later that day when we were leaving for New York, we were in the airport and I got the call from the doctors office confirming the positive pregnancy tests. You were ecstatic! A whole week early and we already knew I was pregnant! You couldn't let go of my hand or stop smiling the entire flight to New York.

I remember you telling Dr. Feldman that we were going to have a baby and that because of the IVF, we may be having twins. He was excited for us since he was a twin himself. You couldn't stop telling people I was pregnant! Random strangers in the hallways of the hotels and subway stations, people at the front desk, and the waiters at the restaurants. Remember on the flight home how all I wanted to eat were pickles and I ordered like 6 from the waitress and she gave me a strange look? You were so quick to tell her why I was having such strange cravings. You were so proud.

I remember how excited you were for my 6 week ultra sound. You were so anxious to hear the heartbeats and make sure the babies were okay. Of course, at this point we didn't know we were having twins, but I remember when they got the picture up on the monitor and we could see both of them. You were so excited! You squeezed my hand so tight. When we got home you couldn't stop rubbing and talking to my belly, even though the babies were so tiny. You were like this the whole time that you were with me and the babies, honey. You always put us first, even when you were so sick. You'd ask me more than anyone how I was feeling, and when my first trimester was a miserable mess, you were the one that was there. You went out at 2 am to Wal-Mart and bought me a humidifier, tylenol, vaporub, and sudafed to take. You brought me tissues, and tea, and made sure I was eating something as soon as woke up in the mornings so that I wouldn't get sick. You always checked in with me at work throughout the day to see if I was doing okay, and you always offered to bring me things to make me feel better. You always made sure I had plenty of anti-nausea medication and if it looked like I was getting low, you would refill it for me with the pharmacy. You were so caring of me and the babies and you never complained even though I know you were in pain too.

Our daughters will know all of this and more, about the man their father was. They'll know how caring he was, and how much he loved and adored their mother. They'll know of all the things you talked about doing with them, like rocking them to sleep at night, reading them bedtime stories then tucking them in, giving them candy behind my back, going to their school plays and dance concerts, scaring off their boyfriends, and walking them down the aisle at their weddings. They'll know that you wanted to be the one to teach them how to ride a bike, to swim, how to change a tire, how to play xbox, use email, and run anti-virus software on the computer. You wanted to be there to make sure that they had their hair brushed for school, that their shoes were on the right feet, and that anyone who picked on them knew that they would have to mess with you first. You were so protective of them and they aren't even here yet. You loved them so much, and it always showed.

I just want you to know that I will always remember the things that you and I talked about in relation to how we wanted to raise our children. I will make every single decision for them with you in mind, always considering what your say in everything would be. You are still my other half, and you are the father of my children, and I know you. I know you. I know what you would say in almost any situation, and I wish that you could be here to say those things for yourself. But until the day comes when we can be a family again together, I will raise our children in honor of you, always remembering what you wanted their lives to be, and working every day to give them that life.

And now, on this Father's Day, your first Father's Day, you can't be here with us. You can't be here to talk to the girls who are actually big enough to hear you and recognize your voice now. You aren't here to feel them kicking, or to see how big my belly has grown. Instead, you're with your Father in Heaven watching over the three of us. You're with our heavenly Father in a much better place than we are. You are having the ultimate Father's day, and I can't help but be jealous. It must be amazing where you are. Most days here are tolerable at best, at least for now. I can't believe how much I miss you today. I thought that things would get easier with time, but I guess I need more time to get to the point where things change. There is only one place better that I can think of where you could possibly be if not with me and the girls on Father's day, and that's exactly where you are--in Heaven, with our eternal Father. Every Father's day, from today on, we will think of you. We will remember who you were here in this life, and try to imagine what you have become in the next. I already look forward to the day when we will hold each other again in God's presence, and I know the girls will feel the same way someday. They will know you so well that they will miss you like I miss you now. I just want you to know that even though you're gone from us, you are not forgotten, and you are still a major part of all of our lives.

If you are with the girls up in Heaven right now, tell them their mother says to take good care of their dad for me, and that I'll see them soon. Tell them to be strong when they come to me, especially on days that I find it hard to be strong for myself, let alone all of us. Tell them that when they are here with me, and they forget about their time with you in Heaven, that they will have time again at the end of this life, and that both you and I will be waiting for them together. And remember how much I love you. I love you more and more every day that goes by, even when you're not here with me. I love you, I love you, I love you.

I miss you and I love you.

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