Wednesday, June 16, 2010

I miss you


Today was really difficult, I wish you had been here. I went back to work for the first time today, even though it was only a half day. It was horrible waking up and having to force myself to get showered and dressed. I miss those morning when you would have found your way back into bed with me from the couch after your long nights of insomnia and my first alarm would go off and you'd switch it off for me, and let me just lay there with my head on your chest, snuggled up against you for warmth. My bed was cold when I left it this morning, just like it is every night when I get in without you there.

It was awful leaving the house and saying goodbye to nobody but the cat. I miss kissing you goodbye and have you look at me sleepily and tell me you love me and to have a good day.

It was terrible driving to a place that I didn't want to be because I knew I'd have to somehow manage to get myself through my time there, without help from you. You would always text me and ask how things were going and you'd let me complain to you about things that weren't working out or that were bothering me about the office, and you always made me feel better just by saying you couldn't wait to see me when I got home that night.

It was miserable driving home to an empty house where so much of you still exists, but where I feel none of you. I would have given anything in this world to have had you laying on the couch watching TV or playing xbox when I opened the front door.

The bottom line is that I miss you. I miss everything about you and who you were and what we had together, because a giant part of me is missing now, and I don't know how to find it again. I wish you could come back. I know you're in a better place now and you're happy and pain-free, but I'm a selfish person and I want you to be here with me. It's a long and lonely 4 months ahead of me until our girls are born, and without you or them, what else do I have? It feels so lonely here even though I'm surrounded by loving and caring people. They try, but none of them singularly nor all of them together can begin to fill the void in my heart that belongs to you.

I love you, honey, and I hope you know how much you are missed. I look forward to the day when we will be together again, and don't believe it will come soon enough. You're at peace now, but mine has yet to find me. I love you, I love you, but I really do love you. I miss you and I love you.


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