Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Stupid Surround Sound


Today's just one of those days where I've had it with everything. Everything is getting to me and I'm sure it's the combination of everything that has happened with you, me getting absolutely no sleep ever, and these blasted pregnancy hormones. I don't mean to complain, but if I can't bitch to my husband, who can I bitch to? I will say though, that you were always so great at just listening to what was bothering me, and whether you had something constructive to say to make me feel better, or whether it was some ridiculous comment that threw me so far off guard that I totally forgot what I was upset about, you always knew how to make the situation better and how to take care of me.

But right now, everything seems upside down. Everything from your body being buried in the cold ground to the surround sound acting up and me having NO idea what the eff I'm doing to try to fix it. Being without you is so much harder than I thought it would be, which is hard for me to even comprehend because I imagined it would be truly and utterly unbearable, and even that description doesn't do justice to the magnitude of difficulty I pictured myself facing in this situation. It's the big things, and the little things. The little things include stuff like, how the heck am I supposed to change the batteries in the smoke detectors when I can't reach them and don't have a ladder or a step stool? How am I supposed to change the light bulb in the bathroom whenever it goes out so that I don't have to take a shower in the dark? Again, with the surround sound--I have NO idea what I'm doing with that and I think I've just made it worse by trying to fix it. I still can't reach the liquor cabinet (not that I am trying to right now, but God forbid there comes a day when I would like to enjoy a drink), and will have to climb up on the kitchen counter to get at it because you're not here to reach it for me, or to do any of those other things. I will miss coming down to my car in the winter after leaving you sleeping in bed only to find that my windows have been cleared off and that your footprints are in the snow, leading away from the car. You'd laugh so hard if you could see me right now. My belly is huge and it's starting to actually get in the way of me being able to bend over. The bend part still works but I can't get low enough to the ground without squatting a little to reach the floor to pick up whatever it is that I need. And of course I'm still as clumsy as ever and I can picture the roll of your eyes and playful laugh you'd give out every time you'd see me stumble.

And the people, honey, just the people! Everyone is trying to help me and telling me they want to be there for me, and I don't know how to let them. They always ask how they can help and I'm so grateful that they're here supporting me, and that I don't have to do this alone, but I'll be damned if I can think of a single thing to tell them. The worst is when people ask me how I'm doing. I can tell the difference in the people who are referring to my pregnancy and the people who are referring to my dead husband. I always tell the ones asking about the pregnancy that I'm doing just fine, because I am, but for the others....I just shrug my shoulders. I don't know what to say. How the hell are you supposed to answer a question like that? "Oh, my husband died 3 weeks ago, but I'm doing super great, how are you?", just sounds a little ridiculous. I know they're all just wanting to see how I'm doing, and I love them all for that, but it doesn't make answering that question any easier, and it's not like they can just stop asking it. Of course they want to know how I'm doing, except they really don't want the real answer, because the real answer isn't pretty. I'm not some neat little package that can be wrapped up and put on a shelf. I'm an effing mess. All the time. I'm an emotional wreck, hardly able to put makeup on my face in the morning, barely able to wash my clothes, and definitely not able to do much of anything else yet. But you know me, and you'd say that I should be careful or I'll alienate everyone with my "coldness" because people are so used to being optimists and thinking so damn positively about everything, that any taste of reality or the realization than things aren't always all sunshine and butterflies all the time makes them run for the hills. There was truly no one else on this earth that I could be myself with the way I could with you, and I need that so much right now, and I just want it from you.

So now that I've complained, I think about what your response to all of this would be. You'd say, forget about everyone else, and go buy a ladder. Simple, yet real. Just what I always needed. You are all that I needed. Just you. Simple, yet real. I miss your arms that would squeeze me so tightly (I actually could use my back popped right about now, even), and your giant hands that would hold mine in them. Somehow your touch always made everything better, and you knew it did, and you never hesitated to give me that. I couldn't be within 5 feet of you without you having your hand in mine, or your arm on my shoulder, or somehow being connected to you. You were so protective of me in that way, it was like you were staking your claim to me or saying to the rest of the whole world that I was yours and that you weren't letting me go anywhere. I've never thought of myself belonging to anyone before, but I was definitely all yours. I melted whenever you touched me. My heart skipped beats whenever you spoke to me. I died and went to Heaven every time you kissed me, and somehow you made coming back to reality all worth it because if I wasn't with you, I wasn't alive.

So, with you being gone, all of that is gone. There is no more skipping of the heartbeats or seeing Heaven. There's no more melting or feeling alive. Everything is cold and gray and lifeless and uninteresting. Except, when I visit you in my memories, I can see the color and life again. So, I think about you all the time, all day every day. You're still here with me in so many ways, but you're not actually here with me. I don't care what anyone says, whether you are watching over me or not, I'm not comforted by the fact that you might be able to see and hear and feel me, but I can't see or hear or feel you. When two people had what you and I had, there is nothing else that you can experience or occupy yourself with that can fill the emptiness of that being gone.

So I guess today, I miss you for the little things, and the big things. But I know that I love you today for the little things and the big things as well, and more even that I did yesterday or the day before. I love you so much today that it hurts and makes me want to burst. But at least, after the day is over, and everything else is said and done, I have that to hold on to, and believe me.....I do.


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