Tonight I went alone, and sat at your grave for a while. It's so peaceful there. I don't know what it is exactly, but it's the one spot where I know I'm closest to you physically, and something about that is comforting. Maybe because it was always so comforting for me to be close to you physically when you were here. I'd lay my head on your shoulder or your chest, or put my feet in your lap and smile when you'd get so bothered by my not being able to sit still. I'd hold your hand while you were driving in the car, or when we'd walk through the mall, or go anywhere really. Remember goldeen goldeen? That was the best. Sitting at your grave now doesn't come anywhere close to providing me with the same comfort I felt from the warmth of every part of your body, but it's the best I can do now and it's all I have.
I was thinking tonight when I was sitting there about the talk that your uncle Richard gave at your memorial service. He hit the nail right on the head when he said that we'd all be thinking about the "why" of this situation, and that came back to me tonight. I couldn't help but sit there thinking, "why did God say no to us? To you?". I grew up learning that sometimes God says no and sometimes He says yes. And when He says yes it is because that is what His plan for us is, and when He says no, that is what His plan for us is. But I keep thinking to myself, what is the plan now? What am I supposed to learn and take away from this? How much further can I grow? Is it simply to force me to come closer to God and to strengthen my relationship with him? If it is, couldn't He have made that happen some other way? Was it necessary for you to die in order for that to be accomplished? Did this happen because you or I or us together did something so wrong in our lives that this was the only solution? I can't believe that, and I really don't, but it still makes me wonder. Did you die because God wanted me to be alone for the rest of my life? To live without a husband and a completed family? Did He want me to raise our girls by myself?
We asked Him to cure your cancer, He said no. We asked Him to take your pain away, and He took all of you. We asked Him to give us a long life together, and He said no. We asked Him for a normal life, and He said no. We asked Him again to cure your cancer, and He said no. We asked Him for a miracle, and He said no. I asked Him for a miracle, and He took you away from me.
It doesn't make sense to me how there is supposed to be some bigger point to all of this. I know that I can't understand God's reasoning and that I'm a selfish human who can't comprehend the will of God. It bothers me so much because all my life I was taught not to question God's plan and his judgement and to not worry because He would provide all that I needed. But I need you, and He took you from me, and I don't know why. And so I do question His plan, because it doesn't make any sense to me. Why would He put you in my life nearly 3 years ago only to take you from me now? And why in this way? Why such a long and painful process? Why didn't He cure you or send a miracle to so that the glory could be given to His name? Why couldn't He have strengthened my relationship with Him by showing me that He is there, listening to our heart's pure requests, and that He answers prayers? I feel like he did once. He answered my prayer to find you. He answered my prayer to meet the man who was perfect for me in every way--the man who would show me about myself and make me try every day to be better, the man who would care about me so much that he'd give his own life to keep me from hurting, the man who would bring me a family, and a lifetime of happiness, companionship, friendship, and pure love. He answered that prayer and brought me you. Why was it only for such a short time? And why was it always plauged and overshadowed by this illness that took you? You and I both learned so much about love, life, each other, and ourselves during this entire time, in this short time. That's truly an understatement and I don't know if I can describe the level of these things that we experienced with each other. It's as if we packed 50 years of time together into 3 years, and then God said, "that's enough".
I know you were ready to leave, honey, and I don't blame you for that. I love you so much for holding on as long as you did and for being so strong through it all. I know you did it for me, and for us. You taught me so much about what it is to be brave and to face this life with strength. Your cousin Alana told me tonight that you were strong enough to leave, and I was strong enough to keep going. I know how hard it must have been for you to leave. You wanted so much to beat cancer and to do the simple things like go back to the gym or play basketball again. You wanted to hold your children and watch them grow up. You wanted to grow old with me and share our entire life together. And I understand that the pain was at a point where it was too much for you, and if it was too much for you, it was too much for anyone. I know you didn't give in or give up. You held on until I told you to go. I saw God waiting for you and I knew that being with him was better than being with me ever would be, and I told you to go with HIm. And you had to, because if you had stayed, you would still be suffering, and I never ever wanted you to suffer. I only always wanted you to be at peace, and where you are now is the only place that could give that to you.
I don't know why God said no to so many things that mattered so much to both you and I, and I don't know why you being here with me was not in his plan for either one of us, but I'm glad that He said "Yes" when I asked him to take you with Him. You went so fast, and the picture I have of that is of you, letting go of me, and running swiftly and direcly, like a child, with purpose, into the arms of your Father in Heaven.
I'll question "why" for the rest of my days here on earth. God may never reveal this to me. But when I see you again, it won't matter anymore. I'll miss you for the rest of my life and I'll love you like I do now. I'll remember who you are and what you did for me and so many others while you had this life. And then, when my time comes to be with you again, I'll run to You, with God standing right behind you waiting for me.
I love you, honey.