I was thinking about the fact that it's been over 2 months since you died, and that means a lot of different things to me. First of all, I cannot believe that I have survived these last 2 months without you. I feel like I'm living in my own version of Hell for sure, and God chooses to continue to keep me on this earth, separated from you. Each day has flown by around me but I feel trapped in slow motion like blinking takes all the effort that my entire body is capable of, and then the next second comes and I have to do it all over again.
Mostly what has been on my mind since this 2 month mark has passed has been about the last diagnosis you had. That day is still crystal clear, and why wouldn't it be--it was just 2 months ago. I remember you coming to my office and telling me that they had diagnosed you with leukemia and that they weren't going to be able to treat you and that Dr. Chandramouli expected you to only live for about 2 more months. It makes me wonder--if you had made it this far, would I be now where I was 2 months ago? Laying next to you in a hospital bed watching the color drain from your face? Holding your hand that grew colder and colder with each moment that passed? Wondering how the pieces of my life had become so shattered? Wishing that I were being lowered into the ground right with you? Would you be dead or dying now instead of 2 months ago? The babies still aren't here yet and your last wish was to hold them and kiss them, but at least at this point we would have known what we were having instead of being 2 weeks short of finding out. There are so many things like this that I think about. Was it better for me to have lost you 2 months ago when I wasn't as far along in my pregnancy? What would the last 2 months have been like? Would we have been able to make the most of our time together or would the knowledge that we were on a time line have tainted everything? No matter what our time would have been like together, I still would give anything that I have to have had that chance to be with you for that much longer.
You were always such a fighter and I always looked up to you and admired you so much for that. You showed me what it was to be brave, and you never complained. You taught me so much about life and about love and about how to make the most of even the little moments in life. You loved me so much and I still feel that whenever I think about you.
I can't believe you're gone. It's just not possible. We were meant for each other and it doesn't make sense for us to not be together. We are worlds apart and I feel that separation from you constantly. A lot of me still feels like I did 2 months ago, and so even if you had died now instead of then, I wouldn't feel any different.
I love you so much sweetheart, and I wish that we had had these last 2 months of time to spend together. Either way, you and I were robbed of something very special and I'll never get over that, just like I'll never get over you. I miss you so much. I love you with all of my heart and soul and I hope that the peace that you have now finds me someday so that I can manage to just live again.
I love you I love you I love you.