Monday, August 23, 2010

First Day of School


Today was one of those, "my husband is dead" days. I had to keep telling myself over and over that you wouldn't be at home for me to talk to after I got back from classes and that you weren't at school either and that you wouldn't be walking through the door to tell me how your day was. I wished you were here all day though. I wanted to tell you how my day went. It was kind of ridiculous actually but nothing too terrible happened, but I miss just being able to tell you simple things like how my day was or what is stressing me out. I've decided that this is one of the loneliest parts about losing a companion--I have no one left to talk to the way you and I talked. Sure people ask how my day was and I can talk about it just fine in a matter-of-fact type of sense, but it doesn't mean much. It actually doesn't mean anything.

I thought I had set my alarm to wake up early enough to give me plenty of time to get ready and get to campus this morning, but apparently I didn't leave as much time for myself as I thought because I arrived just as the class was starting. The thing was, that I walked into the auditorium, and I thought it would be larger actually, for that class at least, and all of the seats were filled and there were all these people standing against the walls, sitting on the floor in the aisles, and spread out everywhere. So....I found a spot in the back where there was a space for a wheelchair to go--you know, just like they had taken a seat out of the row or something--and sat down on the ground (meaning concrete floor). All these people kept looking at me (because I'm definitely pregnant-looking) and NO one offered me their seat. I didn't really expect anyone to, but the fact that no one did is rather nauseating. But, I always knew that you were one of a dying breed--chivalrous gentlemen.

The classes that I had for the rest of the day went fine, but I just can't believe I'm back in school. Doing all of this again. Again. Ugh. I really truly do hate that this is my life. I have to go to school and do all these new things that, yeah, I want to do for me and for the girls, blah blah blah, but you're not a part of it the way I need you to be, and that's really really hard for me to deal with. I can't do everything by myself, and school is something that not a lot of people can help me with in very many ways.

I just miss you and being able to come home and talk to you, and being able to come home and NOT talk about school or whatever, and just have you take my mind off of everything. It's hard here without you. I miss you.

I'm sure school will be a good distraction for me, but I hope it's not too distracting at the same time. Eh, well I'm sure I'll see what happens. I love you, honey, and I wish you were here to be here for me. I love you very much Sweetheart.

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