Getting Closer

Sean,

I'm at 29 weeks in my pregnancy now (that's the 3rd trimester) and am considering myself in the "danger zone" at this point. That means that I'm at risk now for having the babies spontaneously at any point between now and 38 weeks when they would induce me, and I'd really prefer them to stay where they are until I'm at least 36 weeks so that they have a change to develop completely. I don't want them to have to stay in the hospital very long (like any longer than I'm in there for), but I'll still be on the lookout for signs of distress so that if I need to, I can get myself to a hospital ASAP. I can't believe it's getting so close. And I can't believe that you're not here with me. It's so hard without you here honey. I never thought you wouldn't be here for this part of my life, of our life, and of our babies lives. Doing this without you just seems wrong.

Today was one of those slap-in-the-face kind of days. And the slap came at about 8:30 am this morning too! That's too early. I sat down in class today and the girl next to me asked when I was due, so we started talking about the pregnancy and the twins and then she asked if my husband was in school too or if he'd have more time to help out at home with them. I hate it when people catch me off guard like this--and she totally did. I wasn't prepared to tell a total stranger that I'm a widow and that my husband is dead, and so I froze, probably for too long to the point where she noticed an awkward moment of silence, and then all I could answer was, "he used to be". Ugh, I hate it. I'm okay talking about what happened with you when I'm expecting to or with someone I know, but when out of nowhere I get asked about what my husband is up to, it just throws me a huge curve ball and it is really difficult for me to process that information and deal with giving an answer. So far I haven't been able to do it. I'll just freeze up like I did today and spout out some answer that is true, but not the whole truth.

So I'll have to figure out how to deal with that while I try to figure out how to deal with everything else at the same time. The babies move a lot, which is a good sign that they're very healthy, just thought you should know. I know they'd move around more if they could hear their daddy's voice talking to them or if they could feel your hand on my belly. I think they miss you too.

I miss you. That's for sure. Everyday is still so hard. It's always an uphill battle. I suppose I'll just get in shape from all of this.

I love you so so much.