Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Temper Tantrum


Today, I've just wanted to through a temper tantrum all day. Like a genuine serious hissy fit. And I mean the kind like a 5 year old does when his mom takes away his chocolate ice cream for throwing it at his little sister. It's like I had something so good and so incredibly amazing and it's been taken away from me and I just want it back. I want it I want it I want it! All day I've been so aggravated that you haven't been here, it makes me want to jump up and down and stomp my feet, and I really just might if I could manage to move my body around that way right now without pulling a muscle or falling.

It's just not fair. Why did this have to happen to us? Why couldn't it have been some other couple who hated each other and didn't care about each other or themselves? There are plenty of people like that in this world, and nothing terrible or tragic ever happens to them. And then there's us. We had each other and that was all that we wanted or needed, and we're somehow the ones that got told "no"? Like I said, not fair. You loved me so much and it showed so strongly through all of your pain, all of your worries, all of your concerns, and all of your fears. It was like, no matter how bad things looked for you, you were always more concerned about me and making sure that I was taken care of. And of course the love that I have for you is indescribable. You're everything to me and just knowing you were waiting for me at home, or sitting next to me, or looking at me from across the room was enough to make me feel like I had all the security in the entire world.

I really do want to pull a Sean and put my fist through the wall. I could probably get away with doing it in the spot that you did because now all that's standing between me and the hole is spackle which wouldn't hurt as much as drywall to punch a hole through. But, I don't think that would solve anything or really make me feel any better. And I can't really throw a temper tantrum and roll around on the floor banging my fists and stomping my feet because poor Gill would probably think I was being attacked and come running or something. But just because I can't doesn't mean I don't want to.

I'm just not happy with the way things are right now, obviously, and I don't want to sound ungrateful for the life that I've had, or the life that I'll be starting soon with our daughters, but again, just because it is so doesn't mean that I have to like it. This is not how I pictured our life going or my life ending up, and I think that I have the right to be upset about it and act a bit childish about the situation at times. I think it's called for.

I just miss you an impossible amount, and I wish that I could scream and cry and bang on things and have that bring you back to me. But I know it won't. I love you sweetheart, and if I ever do actually throw a tantrum, I'm sure you'll get a kick out of watching it happen.

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