I wondering which will be harder for me to get through without you--the football season, or the Christmas season. I know a lot of people who would say "duh, of course the Christmas season will be harder, the holidays are always hard right after you lose someone", but literally (and I know how much you hate that word to be used outside of its actual meaning, but I really do mean "literally"), literally no one, no......one.......no one understands what going through this football season without you means to me. It's like a sledge hammer jut got heaved into my gut by the Strong Man at a freak show or something and all of the wind is permanently knocked out of my lungs. It's like trying to breathe but having my lungs fill with water instead of air. And that can't even justifiably describe what this is going to be like. I mean, tonight was just the first night of the preseason and when I got home it was like a dementor form Harry Potter had come and sucked out my soul or something.
Without you, there is no dogging on Chris Collingsworth and his perpetually increasing creepiness, or missing John Madden ("I'd draw the play for you here, but I just had these hot wings and boy are they messy!", or laughing (you'd be scoffing of course) at the Raider's lack of prime-time coverage this season. You're not here to mock me every time Josh McDaniels brings the Broncos one step closer to mirroring the Patriots, and you're not here to see me cringe and what he's already done to my team. TO is with Ochocinco at the Bengals now and only you'd appreciate how ridiculous that is like I do. I can't even bring myself to do Fantasy Football this year because without you it just makes no sense. Who would I complain to when Peesh comes in and ruins my season-long winning streak in the final game of the playoffs and wins the championship?
You are the only one who understood what this sport meant to me and I know what it meant to you, and it meant the same thing to both of us together, and now it's gone. I will always love football like I love my children but without you it's so not the same. And it's so strange because this was a part of me long before you were, but you've taken it with you to the grave now, and I don't know if I'll ever be able to get this part of me back again. Sure I can watch the games and keep up to date on what's going on with the new rules for the season and the players and coaches, but it has seriously lost a serious portion of its meaning, and it's truly tragic. And you'd just understand if you were here.
I think a lot of why I miss you is that I went from being completely understood by someone--someone who I could just totally be myself around, no pretenses, no lies--and I've gone from belonging with you to not fitting into the world again because everything is out of place since you're not here. Maybe I'm the puzzle piece that doesn't fit instead of me being the right piece with all the wrong ones being stamped into place around me. Even so, I've gone from belonging and being completely understood, to being a stranger again to even the people that are closest to me now. No one ever knew me the way you did, and I miss having that closeness with you.
We'll see how this season goes. I may just break down and cry every time I go to a Utes game or every time I watch football on Thursday, Saturday, Sunday, and Monday. I don't know what it will be like the first time I watch the Raiders play, or when I see Jordan Wynn throw his first touchdown pass of the season, or when Brett Favre decides whether or not he's coming back again. I imagine it will be something disastrous and tragic like tonight when I saw Emmett Smith and Jerry Rice talking about their Hall of Fame inductions. I really do need you here with me to go through this football season of being without you, but of course, that's not possible, and I hate it thoroughly.
I'll miss you with every yard gained this season, every field goal made, every pass caught in the end zone. I'll love you even more with every interception, sack, tackle, and holding penalty. You have managed to consume every aspect of my life, and whether that's healthy or not, it is what it is, and I'll somehow manage to get through this season like I get through brushing my teeth in the morning. You're not here for any of it anymore, and I have to remind myself (out loud sometimes) of that fact because it's like second nature for me to expect you to just be there to experience this season with me. I hate it for sure.
I love you so much sweetheart. Maybe I'll even wear your Asomugha jersey for good luck a time or two. I miss you and I'll be thinking of you this season. I hope that your Raiders don't suck it up....only because I'm sick of them taking up my airtime with their juvenile nonsense they like to call football. And the day that Al Davis dies...I'll bring a cake to your grave and we'll celebrate. I love you Sean--and don't tell me what happens this season, because I do want to watch and see for myself.