Friday, August 27, 2010


Hi Honey,

Been thinking about you a lot today. I really love you. I really miss you. Sometimes I wonder how you're doing, and then I think, "is that even a valid question in this case?". Not sure how to answer that. I was tired today since I didn't sleep a lot last night. People are worried about me having been in the hospital, but the truth is that even when I was there and they weren't sure yet if the tests would show that I would be having the babies that night or not, I wasn't even concerned about it. I wasn't worried. I mean, what do people have babies in hospitals for anyway? I was in the right place, my OB was on call so she would have delivered the girls, and at home I'm ready for the girls to be here, more or less (although they'd been in the hospital for a while anyway giving me time to get their crib beds made up and clothes washed and stuff like that). But I wasn't worried that anything would happen to them, or to me. The only thing I was dreading was you not being there with me, and that's a fact and reality that I have to face every day, not just days that I might possibly be in labor. The prospect of having these babies without you there is harder to face than some others (i.e. I am able to get dressed in the morning without you there), but everything (including my morning routine) is significantly more difficult since you've been gone than it was while you were here, and it's because I know on a conscious and subconscious level that doing all of this without you is just wrong. It shouldn't be this way, it shouldn't happen like that. There is a method to everything and my method has been seriously and permanently interrupted, and I'm still trying every day to find how to balance everything out.

Anyway, there's not really a point to this tonight, it's just more me saying what's on my mind. I do love you so much though. You're my whole world still. I miss you and I can't wait to be with you again, but at least I can take comfort in knowing that the best part of me, the part that belongs to you, is in Heaven now.

I love you I love you I love you

P.S. I have had a lot of swelling in my feet today, and I totally have's disgusting, just thought you'd get a kick out of that.

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