Rush

Sean,

Tonight was the Rush concert that you had tickets to go to with Andy. I forgot about it until a girl at work mentioned that she was going tonight, and it all came crashing back to me. My last day at work is tomorrow and so today before I left I took down all my pictures that I had at my desk (all of us of course) and that was hard to do for some reason too. I don't know if it's because it was like putting you away or something like that or if it's just all of the changes that are happening that are starting to get to me, but it was a surprisingly hard thing to do.

I know how excited you were for this concert. We should have known better than to let you have a ticket to a musical event. Every time you had a ticket to something you'd relapse or something would happen--we should have known, right? Ha. What was sweet about it though was that you were excited to be going with Andy more so than you were to be seeing Rush. It's not like you were a huge fan of them or anything--of course you appreciated the music and enjoyed listening to it, but it was more about catching up with your friend and spending time with someone you hadn't seen in a while. I've talked to Andy since you died and he looked up to you so much. He has told me more than once that the way you loved me has inspired him to try to do better at loving his own wife that way. He always gets me when he says that, because I know what he means. You really did love me in a very special way, and I miss that so much. We didn't just have a marriage or a strong relationship. We had something so much more that most people don't break through into until they have been married for many many years. It's like our relationship was a pokemon or something and we evolved early haha.

Honey you were such as special person. So many people loved you so much, and you really made a significant imprint on a lot of people's lives. That's a big deal considering how many people you had in your life and how little time you actually had on this earth. It's truly a great loss for this world that you were not able to go further in life and accomplish a lot of the goals you had set for yourself. I really believe that if you had made it that far, you would have been the one to find the cure for MS like you wanted to.

I miss you terribly today, Honey. It's been an overwhelming day. I haven't been able to shut my mind off at all and the things that have been running through it haven't been the most comforting. I dreamt a lot last night and had terrible nightmares. Sometimes my dreams give me a break and they're only strange (at best) but a lot of the time they're nightmares and I get limited and restless sleep. I wish you were there laying next to me in bed again so that I could just curl up next to you or reach out and grab your arm or hand. I still haven't gotten used to sleeping alone, and I still sleep on your side of the bed because I wouldn't be able to bear it if I were on my side and opened my eyes or rolled over and saw your empty place. And I still am sleeping with the t-shirt that the paramedics cut off of you as a sort of....security blanket or piece. It was the shirt you wore on our first official date, and it's so ironic that it was the last shirt you wore too.

I just miss you so much it hurts all the time. I'm becoming more and more tolerant of the pain (doesn't mean it's not there just as strong or that I don't feel it as much) but maybe by the time I go into labor I won't even need an epidural. I love you with all my heart, and you're still my whole world. I can't wait until we can be together again.