Sunday, August 1, 2010



I've been keeping really busy this entire week working on the nursery. It has sort of served as a distraction, but it has honestly made me think about you a lot. Saying that sounds a little ridiculous to me--like I don't think about you a lot already or something--but you've been on my mind this week, I guess more in terms of having the babies than anything else. I've missed you a lot. Friday night, Kyle and my dad came over and we were taping off the room to get it ready to paint on Saturday and it took us 10.5 hrs to do the entire room. We were there working on things until 5 am. As I was going to bed, I looked at the clock and remembered how so many nights I'd see that time on the clock as you'd come into bed and lay down next to me, finally, after a long night of insomnia. It made me miss you a lot. Remember when we were first dating and we could stay up until like 6 am just talking and sitting up with each other? I wish that we had been able to do that more closer to the end. I was so so tired during my first trimester and so so sick and I'm really sad about that because not only did that make me not appreciate that time of my pregnancy, it caused me to lose valuable and precious time that I had left with you, without even realizing it. This second trimester has been very different. I could have stayed up with you until I thought that I should go to bed at least instead of crashing and zonking out on you like a narcoleptic. When I was finally getting to bed after taping the walls for the nursery, I thought to myself in my head what a conversation between you and I would have been like at that point. You would have said, "wow honey, I can't believe you stayed up this late" and I would say, "I know, right?" and you would say, "It looks like it's going to be really good though. Do you like the design you chose?" and I would say, "thanks, yeah I think it will turn out really nice. I'm glad you were up to help me". I miss that with you so much more than I can even believe. It's such a simple thing, and yet, it's everything to me.

So here I am, on the brink of my 3rd trimester, and I never ever thought I'd have to do this without you. I never worried about being a single mom or ever pictured myself in that position, and yet here I am, and it feels so strange. You're written all over my life, physically and emotionally, and it doesn't feel like I'm a single mom. It feels like my husband is away and I'm just waiting for him to come back. It takes a lot out of me to remind myself every day that you're not coming back and that I really do have to do this. This is something I have to do, something I have to face and learn how to deal with and make happen. I refuse to wreck our children over the fact that you're not here and I don't know how to deal with it. You know me, I'm not the type of person to just give up and watch things fall apart around me. I have to do something, I'm the proactive type. So, I guess that's what this week with the nursery has been-me being proactive and getting something done without you that we would have been doing together. I'm heartbroken that you weren't here to have that experience with me because it would have been something that we would have held onto forever. We'd say, "remember when we were working on the girl's room and how great that was?" "Yeah, it was great because we great because we got to spend so much time together." I'll be sure to tell our girls that you would have done whatever you could have to help me get things ready because you loved me and you were so excited about their arrival that you wanted to be a part of everything to do with them. They were so loved by you, even in the few months that they existed while you were here, and that love for them will definitely be carried through the rest of their lives by the way I raise them. I'm raising them for us, and not just doing it by myself. I'm doing it for both of us the way we would have done it together, because that's what I believed in and what I wanted.

I miss you so so so so so much, honey. I wish you could be here with me now (I could use a back rub, I'm really sore!). I miss what our conversations right now would be and the way that you would hold me whenever you thought about the babies coming because you would be so excited you just couldn't take it. I love you for being the father to these girls that you were, even in the short period of time that they were a part of your life, and I'll do everything in my power each day to raise them according to the way that you and I would have done it together as a team. I love you so much. It's getting closer and closer to the time that the babies will be here, and that makes me love you more and more each day. I think the swelling in my feet just might be love for you, and not bad circulation really. Anyway, I love you I love you I love you.

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