Roller Coaster

Sean,

Everything is like a roller coaster. One moment I'll be fine, and the next moment, the floor (and my stomach) will drop out from underneath me and I'll find myself plummeting to the earth. And just like a roller coaster it feels like something is carrying me downward at a fast-paced speed instead of just a free-fall. I miss you so much. It's all the little things, and all of the big things. Sometimes I'll be driving and I'll look over at the passenger seat expecting you to be sitting there next to me, but you aren't. Or sometimes I'll be sleeping and I'll roll over and adjust and I'll reach out for your arm but it's not there. And of course I've been thinking a lot this week about the girls and the fact that they're almost here, and so many new things are happening with my pregnancy and preparing for them to be here, and you're not here to go through any of that with me. I really think labor will be unbearable without you. I want to keep them inside me forever so that I never have to go through that without you---I'm just dreading it. Once they're here, I know I'll be able to do it on my own, but just because I can certainly does not mean that I want to, by any means.

I don't know what think about how to get from one day to the next. A lot of the time not thinking about it helps. A lot of the time nothing helps. Each day that I face without you seems like a dream, and I'm still just waiting to wake up, and I'm still just waiting for you to come walking through the door. It's all a nightmare really. And in reality, I still do have nightmares and dreams about you every night, and I still never get any rest.

Up and down, up and down. It's so constant, and I never want it to become what is normal. The hard part is watching out for the triggers, and most of the time I never see it coming, just like a roller coaster on its winding track. There's not a lot of good left in my world right now and let's be honest, we both know that I'm not used to not getting some version of what I want. And the one and only thing I want I can never have, and I'm still trying to figure out how to deal with that fact, along with everything else. I would give anything and everything to touch you again, to have you kiss me, to look into your amazing eyes, and to just have you near me.

I love you and on days like today that kills me. I miss you too. And I'm beginning to realize I'll never stop missing you like this, and I know that I won't stop loving you like this. I wonder how much of what I have now will be permanent, and what will change.

I love you, I miss you, I love you, I miss you, I love you.