Friday, July 16, 2010



The overall feeling I've had today about everything is described in one word: ridiculous. I've just had this sense all day of how ridiculous that this is my life right now. If you had asked me 5 years ago when I was graduating high school where I'd be in 5 years, I'd have told you something like, I'll have my degree, be married, maybe have kids. Just something normal like that. I wouldn't tell you that I'd be a widow, pregnant with twins, trying to figure out everything on my own. I realize that I'm not the first person to be in this situation, and anyone in any situation similar to this wouldn't have told you they'd be there either, but it's so surreal, it's at a ridiculous level.

I don't know, I guess I'm just in denial today. It comes and goes. It's just stupid really. There are so many people out there who are in marriages that they take for granted and decide they don't want to be in, and all I can think about that is, hey, if you don't want your marriage, feel free to trade me, because I loved mine and would kill to get it back.

Anyway, I thought you should know that I'm definitely not content with this situation, and there are a million things that I would change. The feelings that I have right now about where I'm at are similar to the feelings that I get when I have to deal with the Hollywood video people or the financial aid office. It's just.....ridiculous.

I love you for always understanding who I was and for never questioning that. You were the only person who knew the real me in a complete way. You didn't just know parts or sections of me, you knew the whole picture, and even when I found a lot of things to be ridiculous, you didn't judge me or run fact most of the time you were right there with me, holding my hand, and supporting me or agreeing with me.

So, this is ridiculous, and I love you anyway.

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