Sunday, July 11, 2010



Today, I don't want to talk about anything. I don't want to think about anything. Everything is so hard, and it's just not getting any easier. It's been nearly a month and a half, and it feels like things are going backwards from where they should be. It still hurts so much every time I let my mind wander to picture you with me doing whatever I'm doing at that moment. Once I realize that you're not there, and that you're not going to ever be there, my heart shatters into a million pieces all over again. And any time a piece heals it feels like it's in the wrong place, and like a shard of glass is cutting away at me. I'm so unhappy all of the time, even when I think I'm doing fine for the moment. The little things that used to make me feel better when I was upset or feeling sad don't even come close to working anymore. I could watch the entire series of Friends and not feel one bit of comfort. I could sit in the shower until the water ran cold and the HOA complained that I had run up the water bill without feeling any calmer. I could be surrounded by all of my family and friends and still feel all alone. It's bad enough not having you here anymore, but there are so many extra feelings and experiences that I'm going through right now that I didn't realize I'd have to face on top of losing you at the same time. I realize I'm pregnant with twins right now and I know enough to know that my hormone levels are through the roof and out of control, but I also know enough about what you meant to me to know that the way I'm feeling isn't being affected by that aspect. If I wasn't pregnant right now, I know that I would still be feeling these exact same things to this exact same degree, so I can't even use that excuse as a scapegoat.

I wish you were here so badly. That's all I want, and I don't understand why I can't have that. I wish I could see you again, and touch you again, and I wasn't ready for the last time that those things happened to be the last time. Robin was telling me today about how she was going through her pictures from the past year and scrapbooking them like she does every summer, and she came across the last picture that she had ever taken of her mom. She said she had no idea that would be the last picture that there would be, and it brought back so many feelings that she had worked through over the last 10 months. The thought that entered my mind was that I don't even know what the last picture of you that was taken was. Once I find it though, I'm sure it will be as shocking as when I found that your headstone had been laid. There are so many things that I have tried to work through already, and so many things I haven't even thought of dealing with yet, and I'm so stuck. I feel like I'm trapped in Hell and I can't get out. These nightmares and dreams that I have every night don't help anything. My sleep is so disturbed and I hate it because that's the only time I get to see you and interact with you, and it's always some terrible, hellish ordeal that we're going through. Since you died I haven't had a peaceful night, and I haven't had a pleasant dream about you. Everything I've dreamt has been terrifying or unnerving or an amplified version of the truth. I can't even get a peaceful moment with you when I'm unconscious.

I'm in so much pain and I can't take anything for it because it's not the kind of pain you can treat. I'm learning that with this pain, you have to let it consume you and take you and burn you before anything can grow out of the ash and be healthy again. And I do feel isolated and alone, I feel like there is no one who understands what this feels like. And if there is, why haven't they told me what the secret is to getting through any part of this? I used to be independent and good at figuring things out for myself, but now I am so lost without you. I don't know whether to laugh or to cry, or which way is right or left, or where up is. All I know is that you're so far out of reach and out of sight that sometimes I wonder if you were even real. Then, I look around the house, and what my life is, and I know you were here, and I know that we were together and that what we had was as real as the keyboard I'm typing on. Except, it's all gone now. It's not here anymore, and you're not here anymore.

To say that I miss you doesn't even come close to describing what I'm feeling, but I don't know how else to put it so, I miss you. Saying that I missed you seems more appropriate for a day when I'm at work and you're at home and I just want to come home and be with you. This--this is something on a completely different level. And I don't even have the right words to use.

I know that I love you. At least I can recognize that feeling among all the others that are flooding my heart. At Bryan and Jen's wedding, we wrote on cards for their guest book and offered a piece of advice or words of encouragement. I told them to never leave each other without saying, "I love you" because it is the most important thing they will ever tell each other. You told me once, to never leave you without telling you how I felt, and since then I made it a point to make it known to you that you are everything to me. So, I'm going to continue to do that every day. Somehow, I will tell you that I love you every day so that you know exactly how much you mean to me, which is of course, everything imaginable.

I love you Sean.

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