Sunday, July 25, 2010

Bad Days


I really missed being able to talk to you today. I probably say this in every one of my posts, but you always helped get me through each day just by being there with me, and now that that's gone, I'm having a hard time adjusting to doing it all on my own. I miss you especially when there are little things that get to me, like something someone says, or something that isn't done right, and you'd always understand what it was about those things that bothered me, and you always knew just want to do or say to make everything better. I miss you on good days, but I miss you on bad days I think even more.

Summer, of course, is wedding season here, and I have only been to 2 (one of which you were able to go with me to), but I've heard of others or seen their pictures/posts on facebook, and all I can think is how much I hope that they never take one single day with their spouses for granted. I know that there were days where both you and I fell short and made this mistake, but it was such a huge one, that if I was going to wish anything for these new couples, this would be it. I hope that they can find special things about each other that mean something only to the other person, because it's those little things that truly connect people, and build the strongest of relationships.

It's hard keeping things to myself. With you, I could just say what was on my mind, and it was so easy and liberating. And now, I have no one to say these things to. Mostly because no one else would understand half the things that would come out of my mouth the way you did. If I burst out laughing saying, "swordfishermen", no one else on this earth would understand what that was. I miss laughing with you.

There has been a lot on my mind today, and no matter how close I am with my parents or my siblings, or my friends, I am not anywhere near as close to any of them as I was to you, and I don't want to be. You knew me better than I even knew myself, it was really true, and I don't want to have a familiarity on a level similar to what we had with anyone else in this world. I just want you back here, with me, so that I can talk to you. How selfish is that? I just want you to be here so I can talk. Ha, but you would know what I meant, and I'm sure that if you could be here, you would. I have to keep reminding myself that you didn't want to leave me and that this wasn't something that you wanted anymore than I wanted it. It just feels like I'm lost here in this world all by myself, and you're in a much better place, and we're not partners or equals or collaborators anymore. Instead, we're on two completely different levels from each other, and I hate not being on the same page as you. I just want things back the way they were so that we could just go on through life, living it together like a normal situation would allow.

I miss you honey. Every single day I miss you. And I love you more and more each day that passes too. I hope that that is something that you know, wherever you are, and if not, then I hope that me knowing it for the both of us will be enough. I love you so much Sean.

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