Today, I got on an airplane for the first time since you and I took our trip to New York. I have flown many times before, and many times before I knew you, but I still new that something was wrong and missing and that you weren't there with me. I flew to Missouri today for Jennifer and Bryan's wedding tomorrow, and this is a trip that you and I had planned on taking together. We have known about this for a while, and had planned on making the trip together this summer. We even RSVP'd as a couple to the event. And now, here I am, alone without you.
I'm not upset by the fact that I'm here to watch someone else get married or to be at a wedding. In fact, truly my wish for Jennifer and Bryan is that they are able to make their marriage even half of what our was so that they may live the happiest and most fullfilling life imaginable. What upsets me is simply that you are not here with me. You're not taking up the seat next to me on the plane, you're not sharing my hotel room with me. You're not sitting next to me at the wedding, and you're not going to be dancing with me in the evening.
When I was thousands of feet up in the air, flying on the plane today, I'd look down at the earth and thoughts and memories of you kept flooding my mind. It was strange though, I would have thought that with me being so far up, I'd feel like I was closer to you, but I didn't. Same with the way that I don't feel any further away from you being here in Missouri than I do when I sit on the couch at home. I thought about a lot of things while I was flying, including the last trip that we took together. It was the day we found out I was pregnant and we even got the call from the doctors office confirming the blood test results as we were walking to our gate. That trip was amazing with you. It meant so much to me that you loved New York like I did. We both were so energized and exhausted by the whole experience as well-it was incredible. I remembered how sick we both were by the end of that week though, and how the last day we were there in town we didn't even leave our hotel room because we were both so miserable. But, I remember that even though we were miserable with fevers and chills and sore throats, we really did enjoy the time we had together just spending the day laying curled up in each other's arms for warmth as we shivered from our bodies being overcome with disease.
I have so many wonderful memories of you. I think about our wedding vows all of the time, and I'm so proud of both of us for how well we fulfilled our promises to each other. Most of the time, it wasn't even an effort or something we had to keep in mind. It just came so naturally. It was natural for me to love you, it wasn't work, or a job, or a promise I had to keep. It was what kept me breathing and what made it worth getting out of bed every morning. It's what kept my hopes alive for our future together, and it's what drives me now to keep going and to somehow find a way. It hasn't been easy, but I've somehow found a way, and I know that it's the love that I feel for you, and the love that I know you felt for me that even keeps my heart beating.
I love you so much. You're still my everything. And I continue to love you more each day, which still amazes me. But then again, you were truly amazing, and you were never anything less.
I love you
I love you
I love you
God only knows what I'd be without you.