I've been having a hard time again today. It's the start of the 4th of July weekend now (it's on a Sunday this year, so you know how Utah is about celebrating everything on Saturday instead), and I've always heard that when you lose someone, holidays are the hardest to get through, and this is the first one that has come up since you died on Memorial day. Memorial day never really meant a whole lot to me until we got engaged, and then it became the anniversary of our engagement. I think it will be hard for me in the future though, since now it's the anniversary of that, along with your death.
I don't really have any big or exciting plans. I know that if you were still here, it would be such a good day. I'd have the day off work and we'd spend the whole day together just like we used to. I really miss that. I miss planning on not making plans and just doing whatever we felt like with each other for the entire day. I'm going to Murray's parade in the morning with my family, just like every year. You know me and traditions. I know you hated parades, but I know you would have been right there with me, and I'm really going to miss you in the morning when I'm there by myself. I know that you would have been more excited about going if we had the kids and they were old enough to be excited about it too. I could just see them running around in little outfits collecting candy off the road and asking if they can eat 6 pieces.
I wish you were here to watch the fireworks with me tomorrow. I loved just laying on our blanket in the grass on the hill and watching the sky together. I'd lay down in your arms and I could feel the bursting of the fireworks in your chest as I felt it at the same time in mine. The summers were always our best times together. You loved the season so much. All the time we'd spend at the pool, going on picnics in the park, drives up the canyon, bbq's, and sitting out on the balcony during a thunderstorm watching the lightning. I miss all of that so much. Even though I've done all of those things in my lifetime without you, I did all of them with you, and they will never be the same. That's why going to this parade in the morning is going to be so hard. Even though you hated parades, and I had gone to this thing every year with my family since I was born, you became such a huge part of all aspects of my life, that I'll definitely notice that you're not with me while I'm there.
I'm going to make your mom's funeral potatoes for the bbq tomorrow night. You always loved my cooking. And you loved your mom's funeral potatoes. I'm sorry you'll miss out. Oh, honey, I don't know how I get through each day without you. Somehow the time manages to pass, but you're constantly in my thoughts, and a lot of the time, all I can do is consciously block out the memories that are flitting into my brain. Sometimes I let them come, because I don't like shutting you out, but sometimes it's too hard because the realization of reality always follows once the memories subside.
I hope you know that I love you and I hope that you know that I miss you. I wish you were here for me to tell you these things. But I do, I love you and I miss you. I'll be thinking about you a lot tomorrow, and wishing the entire day that you were there with me. I hate going through anything with out you, and I don't like the idea of making memories of a holiday without you there with me. When we were together, I couldn't imagine what my life would be like without you, and here I am, facing that reality, and it's too terrible to describe. I was talking to Kyle tonight, and we were saying that even though it's been a month since you left, it hasn't gotten any easier, it's actually gotten harder. I just miss you, and that's all there is to it.
I love you sweetheart, and I know you'll have the best seat in the house tomorrow when the fireworks go off. And don't be to critical about the parade. I know deep down you enjoy it and have a good time. I love you honey.