Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Ugh Today.....


Today was very strange for me. A few things happened, and I so wish you had been here for me to tell you about them.

First, I was able to pay off our credit card that we used to buy my wedding ring with the money I got from selling my Jetta. It was kind of bittersweet for me because I was glad to be done with the balance on that card, but now it's like, now that this ring is completely ours, you're not here anymore, and its meaningfulness has changed somewhat. It will always be my wedding ring. It was the ring you gave to me when you asked me to be your wife for the rest of your life, and when you made your vows to me. It's my constant reminder of how much you loved me and of everything that you did for me in our marriage and our time together. It's my reminder of a legal contract we made with the state, and an oath we made together before God. But now, it's my reminder that that oath has been fulfilled and is no longer binding. I know you were raised in the LDS church and their belief is that couples are able to be sealed to each other for all eternity, but you and I did not believe that. When we stood up in front of our family and friends on our wedding day, we said that we vowed to love each other and support each other until death parted us. Well, death has parted us, and I'm still wearing the ring you gave me. I will never stop wearing it. It's so much a part of me with you now and I cannot bear even the thought of parting with it. I want you to know that I don't wear it because I think it's beautiful (which it obviously truly is the most magnificent piece of jewelry that I have ever seen), I wear it because of what it represents between you and I, which is why I've always worn it. I know that you and I believe that we will see each other in Heaven one day, and I cannot wait for that day to come. Until then, however, I am husbandless. I'm a widow with a bright and shiny rock on her finger. I love that rock, though, and I love the memories that I have of you whenever I look at it. So, I guess I just wish that you had been here today to become the full and outright owner of this ring with me, and it breaks my heart when I remember that you are gone.

The second thing that happened today was that I got my first speeding ticket. Well, my first ticket of any kind really. I know what you thought of my driving, but I don't care what anyone says, I was always careful, even when I was in a hurry. I had a clean driving record until today, and that's something that I was always proud of. So what happened was I was driving home from the bank with Richard in the Xterra, and I was driving down the road leading to our house next to the UTA know....the one where everyone drives 40-45 mph and no one cares because everyone knows the 25 mph limit is ridiculous for a road next to absolutely nothing. Well, over the past week, there had been that stupid radar machine out on the road telling you how fast you're going and flashing at you if you were going too fast. That machine has been gone for a couple of days, and I thought we were all in the clear again. I guess I was distracted by talking to my brother or something because I did not see the motorcycle cop sitting on his bike right in front of the entrance to our street. He flashed his lights at me when he saw me coming, and I saw him put his radar gun down, and I knew I was in for it. Thank God I had received my insurance card in the mail last week and put it down in the glove box earlier this week because the card that I had in there expired late in 2009. I don't know where the updated one went but it wasn't in the glove box. Also, I renewed the registration on the car about a month late so I was glad to have had that taken care of so that when he asked for the registration and proof of insurance, everything was current. I was also glad that I had my drivers license on me and it wasn't in your pocket like it was sometimes after we'd go out and I didn't want to take my purse with me. Anyway, the officer said he clocked me going 45 mph in a 25 mph zone, but after he checked my record and ran my information, he only wrote me for 5 over. Part of it was probably because he knew that he was only stationed there because some nosy, lonely, bored, bitter old lady complained to the home owners association about people driving on that road so they had asked for the police to patrol the road for a couple of weeks or something like that. Because really, do they not have anything better to do than to patrol that street? Knowing our neighborhood, someone was probably getting shot at or stabbed at the exact same moment he was writing the ticket. I wish I didn't have to explain myself here, because if I were talking to you really, you'd know exactly what I meant to say and I wouldn't even have to say it. (I love you so much for that.) So, I ended up with a $90.00 ticket 100 yards away from my front door. So stupid.

The third thing about today was the hardest thing for me to handle by far. I completely lost it, and I'll admit that I haven't cried that hard since the week after you died. I went to visit your grave today because it had been a few days since I had been there. As I walked up to it, I noticed something was different, and I almost stopped myself because I thought I was headed to the wrong spot. It turned out that your headstone had been placed. I'm not exactly sure, but I think it was placed today, because the spot looked so fresh where they had placed it. It really does look nice, honey, and you would like it, as much as anyone can like a headstone. But seeing it on the ground, over the place where your body lies, was too much for me. I just lost it. It made it feel like whatever wishes or hopes or prayers that I had that this is all still one long nightmare, went right out the window, and this feeling of grim and devastating permanence settled instead. I'm very torn about this because I'm glad that your grave is now marked properly and that there is no longer a little tin peg with a window and your name in it stuck into the ground, but it feels so final and just.......real. It was so painful to be there, and I just sat on the ground and cried for an hour. I haven't really stopped yet. I really feel like whatever progress I was making in healing and becoming more and more okay (which I have never felt is something that has actually been happening to any noticeable extent), has become completely undone, and I'm in the place I was about 4 weeks ago. There was so much sadness and despair that I felt at the sight of your grave tonight. Normally I feel a sense of peace or calm when I am sitting with you there, but tonight, all I felt was unrest, heartbreak, and disbelief. I really feel like I've regressed, and that my progress has been undone. I hate thinking of your body lying in the cold wet ground. You were so perfect, and there were so many physical things that I loved about you that only complimented the emotional and spiritual traits that you had. I won't talk about them here because if I start, I fear that my tears will fry the motherboard of our laptop and I will be in another situation I don't want to find myself in. I have tried to think about a positive thing to say about that experience tonight, and I guess one thing that I can come up with is that the headstone itself was made exactly how we requested it, it was placed with respect shown to you (I can tell because the grass on your grave was not squashed or disheveled, there was no mess or dirt laying around, etc.), and it will serve forever as a marker for everyone who loves you to find you in your final resting place. I will still visit your grave as frequently as I do now, and when our girls are here, I will take them there, and it will become a place of peace and comfort for them like it usually is to me.

So, that was my day, and it was definitely one for the books. I really missed you not being here today, and of course I thought of you during every second of it. I know we're not supposed to say things like this, but it's how I feel at this moment: I wish time would go by faster so that the day would come sooner when I can be with you again. I wish the Lord would come again. I am ready for Him. As much as I have going for me here in this life with our daughters, and the other important aspects of my life, I have nothing here that is so important as to keep me from longing for Heaven and its glory, and my reunion with you.

I love you so much Sean, and please don't be mad at me for too long about the ticket. At least he wasn't "filling a quota" like the one who got you was. I love you sweetheart.

No comments:

Post a Comment