July 17, 2010

Sean,

Hi honey, I just wanted to tell you about my day today. I woke up around 11 (although I didn't go to bed until late the night before....as usual), got showered and dressed, and then my mom and I met up with your mom and Steph at the store to finish registering for baby stuff. Everything went fine, I even found a different stroller/carseats to register for that are like half the price of the ones I had registered for initially. I think they'll work out better too so that was good. Everything went fine. My feet were absolutely screaming by the time we were done, and we were only there for about an hour and a half. When I got home, I cried because you weren't there to rub my feet for me. I know that if you were there A) you would have been with me at the store going through all of the things we need for our kids and B) you would have just sat with me on the couch and given me a foot rub without me even asking you. I miss you when stuff like this happens because you were so loving that you would think of things like that on your own. You always wanted to make sure that I was doing alright and you always knew just what to do or say to make me feel better. After all that, I put my feet up on the couch and rubbed them myself, which was easy since it's getting harder and harder to reach them.

I had dinner with my family tonight, and then my mom and I finished cleaning out the closet in the nursery. Now there are just a few more things left to take care of in that room before it gets its transformation. I'm in the process of moving Chemo's things into our master bath to get her out of the babies room and get her used to being somewhere else. I'm not sure how she's going to take this, but she'll get over it I'm sure. My mom is planning on cleaning the carpet in that room next weekend and then the weekend after that I think I'm going to try to paint. I'll need to have my family and yours come over and help me, but with so many people working on the room, it will be done in no time. I'm still waiting to get our tax return from the state so that I'll have the money we were expecting to use toward getting the nursery decorated. Really the paint is all I need though so it shouldn't be too bad. I wish you were here to see how it turns out. I hope I do a good job.

Then tonight I went back over to my parents and used the hot tub. It's been nice for this summer because I can keep the water temperature fairly cool so I don't overheat and I can be in as long as I want. The jets really help too, especially tonight when I was really sore from moving boxes around the entire house. You would have liked it tonight. It was really warm tonight (because it was like hell-hot outside today) and the spa was cool and felt great. I miss relaxing in the evenings with you, wherever we were or whatever we were doing.

So today was a weird one for me for sure. Parts of it were really hard to take and deal with, and others were less difficult. Nothing is ever easy, even now, and I'm usually up and down, although not usually in the same day. Everything is still really hard, and I miss you so much every moment of every day. I think about you all the time. I'll think about what you'd be doing at a given moment, or something you'd say, or a reaction you'd have to something. You're always on my mind which is both a comfort to me and a dagger in my heart, all at the same time.

I love you so much Sean. I don't know what tomorrow will be like, only that you won't be there again, and I feel like going on a preemptive strike and to just decide right now not to get out of bed in the morning. I feel like that every night. Somehow I manage to pull myself out of bed each morning, and honestly it's probably because I always have to pee from the child (Sophie) bouncing around on my bladder all night. I guess my point is that without you here, besides the girls, there is very little in this world left for me to get out of bed for.

So I just wanted to tell you that I was thinking about all day, just like I think about you all day everyday. I love you Sweetheart.