Friday, July 23, 2010

60 years


I had a thought the other day--chances are I'll end up living until I'm about 80-85, and I'm 22 now, so I've got roughly 60 years or so left until I die. My next thought was not how short my time here on earth will end up being, but how long 60 years actually is, and to live that without you to share every moment with is going to be unbearable. Why is it that some people live long healthy lives with their true loves and best friends and others end up in our situation where their time together was cut short. Was it just not as meaningful? Does God have some profound alternate purpose for people like me who are left behind? I know how meaningful our time together was, so I refuse to believe that that is the case and at the same time it's extremely difficult for me to see any sort of plan that God could possibly have for my life that didn't involve you. Why would he give you to me and then take you away? What am I supposed to learn from this? How is this supposed to change me as a person? Is this really supposed to bring me closer with God? What about my having a happy normal life was so far out of line with God's plan for my life that he had to go so far as to let you slip away? I don't have any answers to these questions, and each one is like a weight on my back that I cannot remove until the answers have been given. I'll be a champion weight-lifter by the time I die, that's for sure. 60 years is a long time to live, and it's impossible for me to believe that bad things are done happening to me and that I'll be free to live out the remainder of my days here on earth in peace. A lot can happen in 60 years, but a lot has happened in 3, and if every 3 years of the rest of my life are going to be anything remotely similar to these past few, I know I won't be able to take it. God says he won't put us through more than we can handle, but I never wanted to find out what that limit was.

I feel like my limit has truly been reached, and I don't know if that means I'm at rock bottom, or at the top of my game now that hopefully the worst has passed. But I honestly think that these next 60 years without you will be the worst thing that has happened to me. It would be easier to not have ever known you because this loss is so great, it would have saved me so much heartache and pain to bypass you completely. But what kind of empty life would that have been? To never have met my soul mate? Never to have experienced any portion of life with you? No, that truly would have been worse. So, over the next 60 restless years of my life, I'll think of you each day, grow to love you more and more, and look forward to the day when my sweet release comes and takes me back to be with you again. So has the worst really passed? Or is it just starting? It will take the next 60 years to find out.

I love you so so much. I miss your love for me too. I know how much you loved me and it was so warming and comforting to be able to feel that from you each day of our lives together. I miss you, sweetheart, and hope that these next 60 years will fly by.

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