Today was borderline unbearable. I woke up this morning drugged from the sleeping pill I took last night. It was too early (7 am) and I wish that it was a morning that I had woken up to you. I would have rolled next to you and snuggled against your chest while you ran your fingers sleepily through my hair like you always did, and we'd just lay there and doze back off to sleep together.
Next was the parade, and I know how much you hate parades, but you never complained about going with me and my family to keep up with my traditions. It didn't feel like tradition today, it felt like nothing. The excitement was gone, the feeling of accomplishing a part of a tradition was gone, and all that was there was me missing you, picturing you sitting in the lawn chair next to me holding my hand while we made cynical comments about the entries. That's how it should have been, and everything about this morning felt wrong.
I cooked for about 3 hours today. I made your mom's funeral potatoes to take to the church's bbq tonight, but I also put together chicken kabobs and made lemon squares. You would have loved it, everything came out really well, and I really missed spending a perfect summer evening outside with you, grilling away, and visiting and laughing with people. It was only about 80 degrees, and you would have thought today was perfect. Even before the sun was setting and there wasn't much shade anywhere, it wasn't too hot to be outside, sitting on the lawn and eating. I wanted you there with me....I really felt like half of me was missing. It always feels like something is missing though. It feels like, no matter what I'm doing, whether it's sitting at home on the couch posting on this blog, or going to the grocery store and playing our guessing game with myself about the total price of everything, I always notice that something important is missing, and it feels like I'm forgetting something, even though I'm extremely aware that what is missing is you.
Tonight we watched Murray City's fireworks from the church parking lot. I hadn't ever stayed on that side before...you know, again with the traditions, and usually I'd be over on the hill in the park lying down on a blanket facing the sky. I didn't want to lie down on a blanket tonight if you couldn't be there lying next to me. It was the most torturous part of the evening, by far. You loved fireworks and you'd always pull me in closer to you because the nights were always a little chilly. Tonight, I sat alone, in a chair, not lying on the hill, and not in your arms. Instead, I was concentrating on the acrobatic routine taking place in my uterus as both Sophie and Olivia squirmed and wiggled with each boom and pop of the fireworks. It was definitely the most movement I've felt so far, but with each burst of the fireworks, and spin of the babies, my heart broke piece by piece because you weren't here to experience that with me. You were missing from that picture, from that moment. People still always tell me that you're watching over me and that you're with me in spirit, but I was extremely lonely tonight, and couldn't feel anything but the babies moving, and sadness.
Kyle came by and hung out with me at the bbq for a little while. It was good to see him and for him to be there. He's not the next closest thing to you that I have or anything like that....there really is no next closest thing, but I think he really knows what it's like to miss you and to go through these things and feel like you're missing. You not being here has been really hard on him too, and honey, if you could see him, you'd see it on his face. He reminded me tonight that last year, when we were all at the Sugarhouse Park fireworks, was when that car almost hit me while I was in the crosswalk. I remember how angry you were that they would try and bowl me down while I was crossing the street and how you slammed your fists into the guy's hood and were yelling at him to get out of the car so you could kick his ass. I remember how fast you came to my defense and how upset you were that someone came so close to hurting me. I remember being angry myself and thinking that you'd just have to wait your turn to kick his ass because I was going to do it first. And I remember the look on the driver's face when Kyle stepped up next to you to back you up. The guy looked at his wife in the next seat, and suddenly looked like he knew he was an idiot and decided against getting out of the car to fight you or argue. I'll always love you for things like this. There were a lot of situations where you didn't ever have to say how much you loved me, because your actions spoke much louder than works ever could, and that was definitely one of those moments.
I'd give anything to see you again. The real, actual, full, complete, you. Anything. A-ny-thing. I miss you so much in little ways and in the big ways. Today the big way was you not being here to celebrate this holiday with me. The 4th of July is usually a holiday that I look forward to each year because it's like, summer is now definitely here, whenever the holiday comes around. I didn't get to do any of it with you today. No parade, no bbq, no fireworks. The small ways included the things I know that would have happened between us today. You would have complained about waking up so early to go to a stupid parade, and I would have made you get out of bed anyway. You would have eaten a lot at the bbq because everything always looks so good, you can't help yourself. You would have had one hand in mine, and the other on my belly trying to feel the girls move during the fireworks. And you would have been there all day to take me in your arms and hug me, and kiss me, and tell me that you love me and that you are looking forward to spending the next holiday with me. Yeah....I definitely missed you today, and you were definitely missing from my day.
I love you so much sweetheart, and I don't know how I continue to live after a day like this. My heart is broken, and it feels like I've died, but I'm still here, walking this earth right now like a shadow, picturing things that will never happen, and only remembering things that did. If you know any of this, or know any of what I write to you, I hope you know that again today it's true, I love you more today than I did yesterday or the day before, and I believe that pattern will only continue into the future.
I love you Sean. Happy 4th of July.