Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Two-Weeks Notice


Tomorrow at work I am giving my official two-weeks notice. I am going to start school again in August for nursing and am going to commit to that. By not working, I'll have the time I need to focus on my classes, and our girls (even with them coming in the middle of the semester). I'd say I think you'd be proud of me, but I don't know if I'd be making this move if you were still here. Maybe if you were alive and healthy I might consider it, but I think I wouldn't mostly because of where you'd be in school at this point. If you had been cured instead, you'd be so close to your degree and applying to medical schools--maybe I'd be quitting because we'd be moving to another state instead of for this reason. Who knows?

It's going to be interesting. All of it. It's going to be interesting to see the company's reaction, to see how this semester goes (going back to school is like riding a bike.....right?), to work out everything with the delivery, and the physical aspect of all of it. I'm trying to move fairly quickly on getting the nursery set up because my physical ability to move dwindles daily. I joke about going to class in a wheelchair like I had to when I had my knee surgery, but if it comes down to it I will.

I think this move is going to be what's best for me and the girls. I love my psychology background but in order to really use that to provide for a family I'd have to get into a PhD program and that's something I'm not ready or willing to commit to yet. Nursing will be good for me because it's something that I can see myself being good at. I think I have a lot to offer in this field and can see myself doing great things this way. I think it will be good for the girls too because it will allow me to create a schedule the lets me be home with them for a significant amount of time during the week. No daycare for our little ladies, honey. This experience that I've had with you has shown me what I'm capable of, knocked down several fears and hesitations about the field that I've had nearly my whole life, and shown me the good the bad and the ugly of nursing from a patient's perspective and a caregivers. I want to be a good nurse because of all the crappy ones that you had. I want to be a good nurse for every time someone walked into the room with a syringe full of Phenergan and for every time they'd let your pump go on beeping. I want to be a good nurse because of the nurses who doubted the severity of your condition and thought that they were entitled to judge you for what you were going through. But I want to be a good nurse because of all of the great ones that you had as well. I remember Teresa and Lisa from Indiana. They were so wonderful. They knew what questions to ask, they remembered you each time you checked in and out of the hospital, they went out of their ways to help make me comfortable while I was there with you but was alone at the same time, and they showed genuine concern and compassion for your situation and truly wished that they could help heal you in whatever ways they could. I want to be a good nurse because of all the nurses who brought in your pain medicine on time and who would slip you a cup of ice-chips while you were NPO. I want to be a good nurse so that I can be one example to our girls of what a servant looks like, and not just because I'll get paid to do it, but because (as my dad would say) it's an honorable profession.

I just want you to know that this is all because of you. And I mean that in a good way. Because of what you had to endure, I know that I can make it through this trial (and I'm sure it will be a headache-or worse-at times) and being with you for the wonderful 3 years we had together makes me sure of myself and of the fact that I have what it takes to do this. If you could fight cancer as long as you did and never once give up, I can get through the next couple of years of this commitment. I can do anything, and I see that because of what you went through.

I love you so much, sweetheart and I hope that you would be proud of me. Giving my two-weeks notice is the best thing I've done for myself since you left. Part of me is saddened because I will be giving up a part of my life that I had when I was with you, and I hate changing or adjusting anything that relates to or touches what we had together. But I know that whether or not I do this, you're still not here, and giving up on what I know is best for me and our family won't change that fact. I'm going to do my best to push through, one day at a time. I wish you were here to hold my hand through it all.

I miss you something awful but will work towards this goal every day with you in mind, and I think in a way, it will bring me closer to you. I love you Sean.

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