There are a lot of things that I wonder about all the time. I'm constantly thinking about something. It's always about you, or us, or the girls, or what we had, or what I miss, or what we'll never have. What's been on my mind a lot is raising our girls, particularly without you. I don't know how I'm going to do it, but I want you to know that I'm going to try my best, and I'm never going to give up, because you would never want me to, and because they are all I have now, and I could never let them down.
I guess the first step I've made is deciding on names for our babies. It killed me when you died and we didn't know what the twins were. All you ever said was that you wanted to live long enough to hold the babies. When you died, I had wished that you had just lived even a few more weeks to know what we were having. When I found out they were girls, I had mixed feelings. I have always wanted to have a girl because I know how much fun little girls are, and how amazing it is to watch them grow up into young women. I know that you always said that you wanted to have little girls and trade them in at about age 11 or 12 for boys so that you could skip the teenage drama years. You always wanted a little boy because you wanted to raise him to be a sports fan (NOT a raiders fan, ahem), you wanted to teach him how to ride a bike, and how to tie a tie, how to shave. You wanted him to carry on the family name, and to grow up to be a good man like you were. I wanted all of that too, and when I found out that both babies were girls, it was very bittersweet for me. Nevertheless, I was able to find some comfort in the fact that you and I had already picked out names for our sweet babies before you died. So, naming them Olivia and Sophie was probably the easiest thing I've had to do since you left. And I don't know what that's really saying since absolutely nothing about this has been easy. But then I was left to decide on middle names. I've never understood not giving your children middle names, and it was something that you and I had decided we'd do for our kids, so I wanted to make sure it happened. I went back and forth on whether or not I wanted to use family names like Susan and Kathleen, or if I wanted to do something totally different and just give them middle names that we had liked as possible first names. When you died, a lot of things changed, including what my thoughts on naming the babies were. Long story short, and after a lot of thought and consideration, I've decided that our girls will have so much of you in them and I will see you to such a great extent through them, that it didn't make sense not to give them your names. So, our daughter's names will be:
Olivia Sean Martella
and Sophie Michael Martella
I know that if you were still alive, they it would be different, and you'd never let me name them after you, but you truly are the greatest person I have ever known, and I have never loved anyone so much. You mean everything to me, and I think that to see this translated into the girl's names will be so meaningful to them as they grow older, and I know it's very meaningful to me. I have to tell myself every day that just because you're not here anymore doesn't mean that they won't know you, but another part of me understands that they were robbed of something irreplaceable and that there is nothing that I could ever do or give to them or say to them that will fix that. I haven't even met our daughters yet, but I am sad for them already. I feel like I know them already, and I wish that you were here to know them like I do too.
So, I hope that you know that truly everything I do for these babies is for them, but it's also for you. I think of you in all the decisions I make for them already. I think about what you would say if I asked you what you thought, and I consider what my thoughts would be, and sometimes I think of them as being the same thing, and sometimes I think of a compromise between what we'd both want or think. I wish that the babies were here with me already so that I could start telling them about their daddy. You will be so missed by them, even though they never knew you in this life. And I miss you so much too. Everyday, no matter what is on my mind.
I love you so much sweetheart.