In The Hospital

Honey,

I saw my doctor today and she told me that if I had more than 6 contractions in an hour I needed to come to labor and delivery and get checked out. So tonight, between about 6:30 and 7:30, I was having contractions more often during that hour than not, so I figured I'd better do what I'd tell you to do if it were something to do with you, and I went in.

Turns out I'm like 99% effaced and dialated to 1.5 cm at this point, which isn't that much (except for the thinning being nearly all the way) but it's still too early for the babies to come, so when I came in they gave me some medicine to help stop the contractions, which were putting my body into early labor. This happens a lot though, and I've heard about it a lot from people, so I'm not worried about it. They did a test to see if I had a specific enzyme present and they said that if it's not present it means that you won't deliver in the next 2 weeks. I did not have the enzyme present which is good. Sophie's head is super low and so that's uncomfortable, but neither of them should be here within the next couple of weeks at least so they'll have some more time to grow right where they are. And that's good because I really don't want them to have to spend the first month or more of their lives in the hospital. I'm not liking being here for sure.

They're going to keep me overnight with this ridiculous monitor on my belly to watch the babies heart-rates and make sure that they're doing okay. They're also measuring the contractions I'm having with the monitor and the nurse told me a minute a go that they're still about 3 minutes apart and they're pretty regular. Not really sure what that means either here or there, but it's something I guess. So, now it starts. Me doing this without you. I guess I've been doing it already but now it's getting more real.

The first thing was when we were driving here, and I thought, I wish Sean were the one taking me in to get checked. You were always so concerned about me when I had so much as a headache, I really miss you tonight because I know how you'd be watching out for me. Then when we got here they had me put on a hospital gown. I went into the bathroom to put it on, and it smelled like how I remember you when you were in the hospital. I'm not surprised because I'm at the same hospital you were always at in a gown that you may have even worn yourself at some point. But, they say that smell is the strongest sense tied to memory, and at that moment I could see, hear, and feel you all in an instant. It was overpowering. Then there was the bed that I had to climb into, and the last time I did that was to be with you while you died. But I also thought about all the times I spent laying with you in the beds watching football and basketball games, watching movies, or just talking with you. I'd give anything for you to be lying in my hospital bed right now.

They've done some pretty uncomfortable things to me while I've been here including giving me a catheter (to check for a bladder infection, which was negative), and checking my cervix, which is how they measure how far dilated and effaced you are, and that part has by far been the most painful/uncomfortable thing I have been through tonight. I didn't have anyone's hand to hold onto during that, and after it was over, I hated the fact that you hadn't just been there with me, and that you won't be there through what's coming in the near future.

I try to stay positive and say, at least the babies will be here soon and then I'll have a bit of you back with me to hold onto, but in reality, I cannot and will not use my daughters for the purpose of feeling like I'm connected with you again becuase I don't want to rob my experience and relationship with them of anything that is truly there. I will never touch you again, and it doesn't matter that Sophie and Olivia are your flesh and blood. They are not you, and I won't treat them like they're my tools to be close to you.

Come back to me, honey. I want you here. I need you here. I've never needed you more than I do right now, and you're not here for me. I don't mean that in a bitter or resentful way, I'm just trying to stay real here. The balance between being depressingly down all the time and being a blissfully ignorant idiot is being realistic, and I'm trying to stay on that level instead of falling beneath. I do love you though. More today than I did yesterday or the day before. And before this is all over I'll miss you even more than I do right now, which doesn't even seem possible.

I hope wherever you are up there right now you can see me and see the girls and that you're going through this with us. I know you would be if you could. I miss you and I love you very, very, very much.