Roller Coaster

Sean,

Everything is like a roller coaster. One moment I'll be fine, and the next moment, the floor (and my stomach) will drop out from underneath me and I'll find myself plummeting to the earth. And just like a roller coaster it feels like something is carrying me downward at a fast-paced speed instead of just a free-fall. I miss you so much. It's all the little things, and all of the big things. Sometimes I'll be driving and I'll look over at the passenger seat expecting you to be sitting there next to me, but you aren't. Or sometimes I'll be sleeping and I'll roll over and adjust and I'll reach out for your arm but it's not there. And of course I've been thinking a lot this week about the girls and the fact that they're almost here, and so many new things are happening with my pregnancy and preparing for them to be here, and you're not here to go through any of that with me. I really think labor will be unbearable without you. I want to keep them inside me forever so that I never have to go through that without you---I'm just dreading it. Once they're here, I know I'll be able to do it on my own, but just because I can certainly does not mean that I want to, by any means.

I don't know what think about how to get from one day to the next. A lot of the time not thinking about it helps. A lot of the time nothing helps. Each day that I face without you seems like a dream, and I'm still just waiting to wake up, and I'm still just waiting for you to come walking through the door. It's all a nightmare really. And in reality, I still do have nightmares and dreams about you every night, and I still never get any rest.

Up and down, up and down. It's so constant, and I never want it to become what is normal. The hard part is watching out for the triggers, and most of the time I never see it coming, just like a roller coaster on its winding track. There's not a lot of good left in my world right now and let's be honest, we both know that I'm not used to not getting some version of what I want. And the one and only thing I want I can never have, and I'm still trying to figure out how to deal with that fact, along with everything else. I would give anything and everything to touch you again, to have you kiss me, to look into your amazing eyes, and to just have you near me.

I love you and on days like today that kills me. I miss you too. And I'm beginning to realize I'll never stop missing you like this, and I know that I won't stop loving you like this. I wonder how much of what I have now will be permanent, and what will change.

I love you, I miss you, I love you, I miss you, I love you.

Logo

Honey,

So there is a grave very near yours that had its headstone laid (it's a flat one like yours, although it's huge really) this week and you'll never guess what they had engraved on it.......the Utes logo!!! It's awesome, and I wish I had thought about that for yours. Maybe it would be more fitting on mine or something, but I thought it was a really smart idea for them to do that. It's not colored or anything, but it looks really great. The headstone also says "Go Utes" on it, which is awesome too, but the logo is my favorite part. I know it's weird because it's not your grave and I don't know who is buried there, but I love that it's so close to yours that I can see it when I'm there with you. It makes that spot that much better.

I thought you'd get a kick out of that. I did.

I love you so much honey. I miss you.

Working on the Nursery

Honey,

Over the past couple of weeks I've been slowly working on the nursery. It started with clearing out the closet and putting a few things into the attic and the storage closet outside, boxing up some things, and just relocating a bunch of others. Most of it found its way into our closet. After everything was moved out of the room, my mom and I vacuumed the carpet (3 times) and then used the carpet cleaner and worked a little magic. My dad and Steve Trotter were actually able to install an outlet inside the closet--my mom and I found a panel that was covering electrical and it turned out to be able to work as the outlet, so now I can put a light inside. My plan is to put the girls dresser inside the closet and use that as the changing table. It will work out really well and give the rest of the bedroom a lot of other space to be used.

Today went and bought paint and supplies and chair rail. I've decided which design I want to do for the room, and it's not like what I had pictured several months ago, but I think it will work really well. Here's my Paint version of what the walls will look like:



I also washed the walls and baseboards today to get them ready to paint this weekend. Of course, Chemo was interested in absolutely everything that has been going on in there. I moved her litter box and food bowls into our bathroom so she's still adjusting to being in a different part of the house and still believes that room belongs to her. She's been good company to have though, and always comes up and purrs at me and wants to see what I'm doing.

Tomorrow I plan on painting the baseboards and door frames and do a little bit of other prep work on other areas of the walls. It doesn't sound like much, but it will be exhausting for me, that's for sure. Then, Paul is coming over on Thursday with his saw to help me measure and cut the chair rail and then Friday I hope to paint it in order to give it a few days to dry before I put it up (after the other walls have been painted of course). Kyle is coming over on Friday to help me tape off the walls and frames and everything before your mom comes over on Saturday to help me paint. I'm not planning on doing a lot of the actual paint work, and I'll make sure all the windows and doors are open, but I am using the pregnancy-safe paint and I talked to my OB about it at my appointment this afternoon so she's aware of my plans. She didn't seem to have any objections, and just made it a point to mention that I'll probably be uncomfortable and sore more than anything. I'll make sure to hit the hot tub in the evening.

This has been a good distraction for me. It gives me lots of time to think about you in a lot of good ways instead of letting my mind wander to what I usually think about. Instead of getting lost in the fact that you're not here, I'm able to think about things that we did together (I'd see something in the closet that would remind me of something we did together or something you said, or something that happened with us) and it's good for me to remember those things instead of trying to avoid them. I hate avoiding anything to do with you. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I never want to avoid that. It has been hard though, in the sense that I thought I'd be doing all of this decorating with you instead of by myself. I'm glad we were able to talk about what we wanted together and I'm glad that I'm able to keep that in mind as I make these decisions, but this is supposed to be a happy time in our lives, but you're not here to share it with me, and I can't really be happy about it. I think it helps me get through things when I know that they are things I have to get done. Like this nursery, for example, I have to get it ready otherwise I'll be stuck with a boring white space to shove all of our kids things into and have no decent place prepared for them to live. I want you to be here to do this with me, and to do all of the other things with me that are upcoming that I'll have to do by myself. This endless state of wishing for things that can never come true is exhausting, and yet, I cannot bring myself to stop. It's all I want--it's like a thirst that I can't quench. I wish you were here with me, and I want you to come back so I can have you again.

So for now, the room is coming along, and I'm doing okay with it on my own. It's overwhelming to an extent (emotionally and physically) and it's therapeutic at the same time. I miss you so much, but I love that our girls will be here soon and then I'll have two pieces of you again. I love you sweetheart.

My Choice

Honey,

I was talking with someone tonight and they were telling me this story about a couple they knew who was going through a similar situation as us. Just, the guy had cancer but he wasn't diagnosed until about a year after they were married and they had a kid already, so it was a little different, but he ended up passing away from the disease. Anyway, they were talking about how they found themselves in that situation and how it was affecting them individually, and the man had said that he didn't think that if his wife had known he'd get sick before they were married, or if he had gotten sick before, that she would have stayed and gone through everything with him. Turns out he was right--his wife said that if she had known it would turn out like that, she wouldn't have done it. She apparently had said that she wasn't a strong person and the situation that they had found themselves faced with required strength and courage and it was more than she could handle, and she was only going through the motions of supporting her husband because she loved him.

I couldn't help thinking back to the months before you asked me to marry you and the talks that we had about you being worried of what you might be doing to my life by nailing me down into your world of cancer. I remember thinking at that point that I had made my decision to be with you a long long time before that and that by us getting married it wouldn't mean that I was anymore involved in the situation than I already was. I know I told you this too, because if you had thought that I agreed with the idea that getting married to you would seal my fate to be doomed to live this life of misery with you, you never would have considered marrying me.

When I was listening to this story about this other couple I thought to myself, at what point did I decide to go through this with you and to be there for you unconditionally? I thought, well maybe it was when you were first diagnosed and the doctors were saying how you needed someone to take care of you and stay close. And then I thought, no it was before that. It was at some point in our relationship that occurred before you were even diagnosed. When you were diagnosed, I had known that I was in love with you for a long time, and I don't know if I can pinpoint an exact moment when I knew that there was nothing I wouldn't do for you, but I do know now that by the time you were diagnosed, I had already made the decision that I wanted to stay by no matter what happened. I had never met anyone like you and no one made me feel the way about myself that you did, and I never felt the way about anyone else before that I felt about you. One look from your blue eyes and my heart would melt, and I knew how you felt about me, and how I felt about you, and I knew that no matter what could possibly happen, we'd have each other and that was all either of us would ever need.

And it turned out to be so true. All we had was each other, and it worked spectacularly for us. Whenever you relapsed or stopped responding to treatment or heard that another tumor was growing or that you needed another surgery, all we had was each other to fall back on, and it was enough. We each knew what the other was going through--I could understand your situation as the patient, and you understood my situation as the fearful caregiver, and we had each other's backs. I'd make sure you had everything you needed to go through your next round of chemotherapy, and you made sure I had everything I needed--you holding my hand through it all.

None of this makes anything any better, of course, and now that I don't have you anymore my entire world lies in shambles all around me. I can barely take it even one day at a time, sometimes just an hour is all I can manage of anything, but I find myself going around, trying to make sense of the piles and shards, and trying to put the pieces back together. There will be pieces missing--you took so many with you when you died. I will never have the complete picture and my life will never be whole ever again. But I'm trying.

I want you to know that I never doubted for a moment that being with you was what I wanted. Even after you were diagnosed and even after we had been through 4 different chemotherapies together, I never doubted for a second that I had made the right choice. Being without you would have been a devastating situation to find myself in, and being with you, even through the cancer, was so much better than being without you. And I still feel that way. If I had an opportunity to go and do the same situation over, or to go back in time and change my decision, I'd pick to go through it all over again, just so I could spend that time with you again. As terrible and horrifying as the situation often was, being with you was perfect, in every moment. I made the choice to stay when I found out what was coming. I had that opportunity to make that decision, and I'm sure, even now, that I made the right one. I know you always felt somewhat guilty about "putting me through" the things that we went through together, but I know that you also knew that I knew exactly (okay, maybe not exactly) what I was getting into when I decided to stay with you when you were diagnosed, or agreed to marry you when you proposed. And I hope that that knowledge gave you some peace during your tumultuous life because you knew that I just needed you and nothing else. My life is absolutely nothing like how I pictured it growing up or how I would like it to be, but it has the remnants of you all over it and I don't want that to be different. I'd just like you to be here with me.

I made my choice, and my choice was you. I wish I had been faced with different choices to make, but the choice I made gave us nearly 3 years together, and I'm amazed at how the worst time of my life was also the best. I miss you so incredibly much each day, and I love you more than anything in this world. I will always treasure our time together--all of it. I think about you so often, I hardly have room to think about anything else. I'm glad for the fact that you knew that I had made my choice, and that you knew that it was what I wanted, and not just something I had done for your sake. I'm glad you knew that I chose us.

I love you.

Bad Days

Sweetheart,

I really missed being able to talk to you today. I probably say this in every one of my posts, but you always helped get me through each day just by being there with me, and now that that's gone, I'm having a hard time adjusting to doing it all on my own. I miss you especially when there are little things that get to me, like something someone says, or something that isn't done right, and you'd always understand what it was about those things that bothered me, and you always knew just want to do or say to make everything better. I miss you on good days, but I miss you on bad days I think even more.

Summer, of course, is wedding season here, and I have only been to 2 (one of which you were able to go with me to), but I've heard of others or seen their pictures/posts on facebook, and all I can think is how much I hope that they never take one single day with their spouses for granted. I know that there were days where both you and I fell short and made this mistake, but it was such a huge one, that if I was going to wish anything for these new couples, this would be it. I hope that they can find special things about each other that mean something only to the other person, because it's those little things that truly connect people, and build the strongest of relationships.

It's hard keeping things to myself. With you, I could just say what was on my mind, and it was so easy and liberating. And now, I have no one to say these things to. Mostly because no one else would understand half the things that would come out of my mouth the way you did. If I burst out laughing saying, "swordfishermen", no one else on this earth would understand what that was. I miss laughing with you.

There has been a lot on my mind today, and no matter how close I am with my parents or my siblings, or my friends, I am not anywhere near as close to any of them as I was to you, and I don't want to be. You knew me better than I even knew myself, it was really true, and I don't want to have a familiarity on a level similar to what we had with anyone else in this world. I just want you back here, with me, so that I can talk to you. How selfish is that? I just want you to be here so I can talk. Ha, but you would know what I meant, and I'm sure that if you could be here, you would. I have to keep reminding myself that you didn't want to leave me and that this wasn't something that you wanted anymore than I wanted it. It just feels like I'm lost here in this world all by myself, and you're in a much better place, and we're not partners or equals or collaborators anymore. Instead, we're on two completely different levels from each other, and I hate not being on the same page as you. I just want things back the way they were so that we could just go on through life, living it together like a normal situation would allow.

I miss you honey. Every single day I miss you. And I love you more and more each day that passes too. I hope that that is something that you know, wherever you are, and if not, then I hope that me knowing it for the both of us will be enough. I love you so much Sean.

60 years

Sean,

I had a thought the other day--chances are I'll end up living until I'm about 80-85, and I'm 22 now, so I've got roughly 60 years or so left until I die. My next thought was not how short my time here on earth will end up being, but how long 60 years actually is, and to live that without you to share every moment with is going to be unbearable. Why is it that some people live long healthy lives with their true loves and best friends and others end up in our situation where their time together was cut short. Was it just not as meaningful? Does God have some profound alternate purpose for people like me who are left behind? I know how meaningful our time together was, so I refuse to believe that that is the case and at the same time it's extremely difficult for me to see any sort of plan that God could possibly have for my life that didn't involve you. Why would he give you to me and then take you away? What am I supposed to learn from this? How is this supposed to change me as a person? Is this really supposed to bring me closer with God? What about my having a happy normal life was so far out of line with God's plan for my life that he had to go so far as to let you slip away? I don't have any answers to these questions, and each one is like a weight on my back that I cannot remove until the answers have been given. I'll be a champion weight-lifter by the time I die, that's for sure. 60 years is a long time to live, and it's impossible for me to believe that bad things are done happening to me and that I'll be free to live out the remainder of my days here on earth in peace. A lot can happen in 60 years, but a lot has happened in 3, and if every 3 years of the rest of my life are going to be anything remotely similar to these past few, I know I won't be able to take it. God says he won't put us through more than we can handle, but I never wanted to find out what that limit was.

I feel like my limit has truly been reached, and I don't know if that means I'm at rock bottom, or at the top of my game now that hopefully the worst has passed. But I honestly think that these next 60 years without you will be the worst thing that has happened to me. It would be easier to not have ever known you because this loss is so great, it would have saved me so much heartache and pain to bypass you completely. But what kind of empty life would that have been? To never have met my soul mate? Never to have experienced any portion of life with you? No, that truly would have been worse. So, over the next 60 restless years of my life, I'll think of you each day, grow to love you more and more, and look forward to the day when my sweet release comes and takes me back to be with you again. So has the worst really passed? Or is it just starting? It will take the next 60 years to find out.

I love you so so much. I miss your love for me too. I know how much you loved me and it was so warming and comforting to be able to feel that from you each day of our lives together. I miss you, sweetheart, and hope that these next 60 years will fly by.

3 More Things...

Honey,

Remember how chemo would always wait for us at the door because she could hear us coming up the stairs and you'd always try to walk really quietly so that she wouldn't hear, but she'd always be there? Yeah, she still does that.

Remember how we always swore we'd never go back to the Walgreen's on 4700 S and Redwood because it was always a giant joke each time? Yeah, I still use that pharmacy because I tried to switch, and the new pharmacy didn't carry my prenatal vitamins in any sort of brand that would be less than a $70.00 out of pocket copay. SO stupid.

I remember how much you wanted to see Inception. I debated about seeing it because I didn't know how I'd handle going to see a movie that you were so interested in. I decided to see it, and I went, and thought of you the entire time, and it was definitely something that you would have loved. It would have made your top 5 favorites or something close to that. It was entertaining for me to go out and do that, but it was also really hard that you weren't there with me. I hate doing things by myself or with other people that you and I always did together. It feels wrong.

So, that's all for tonight. I love you so much, and always have you on my mind. I miss you sweetheart.

Two-Weeks Notice

Honey,

Tomorrow at work I am giving my official two-weeks notice. I am going to start school again in August for nursing and am going to commit to that. By not working, I'll have the time I need to focus on my classes, and our girls (even with them coming in the middle of the semester). I'd say I think you'd be proud of me, but I don't know if I'd be making this move if you were still here. Maybe if you were alive and healthy I might consider it, but I think I wouldn't mostly because of where you'd be in school at this point. If you had been cured instead, you'd be so close to your degree and applying to medical schools--maybe I'd be quitting because we'd be moving to another state instead of for this reason. Who knows?

It's going to be interesting. All of it. It's going to be interesting to see the company's reaction, to see how this semester goes (going back to school is like riding a bike.....right?), to work out everything with the delivery, and the physical aspect of all of it. I'm trying to move fairly quickly on getting the nursery set up because my physical ability to move dwindles daily. I joke about going to class in a wheelchair like I had to when I had my knee surgery, but if it comes down to it I will.

I think this move is going to be what's best for me and the girls. I love my psychology background but in order to really use that to provide for a family I'd have to get into a PhD program and that's something I'm not ready or willing to commit to yet. Nursing will be good for me because it's something that I can see myself being good at. I think I have a lot to offer in this field and can see myself doing great things this way. I think it will be good for the girls too because it will allow me to create a schedule the lets me be home with them for a significant amount of time during the week. No daycare for our little ladies, honey. This experience that I've had with you has shown me what I'm capable of, knocked down several fears and hesitations about the field that I've had nearly my whole life, and shown me the good the bad and the ugly of nursing from a patient's perspective and a caregivers. I want to be a good nurse because of all the crappy ones that you had. I want to be a good nurse for every time someone walked into the room with a syringe full of Phenergan and for every time they'd let your pump go on beeping. I want to be a good nurse because of the nurses who doubted the severity of your condition and thought that they were entitled to judge you for what you were going through. But I want to be a good nurse because of all of the great ones that you had as well. I remember Teresa and Lisa from Indiana. They were so wonderful. They knew what questions to ask, they remembered you each time you checked in and out of the hospital, they went out of their ways to help make me comfortable while I was there with you but was alone at the same time, and they showed genuine concern and compassion for your situation and truly wished that they could help heal you in whatever ways they could. I want to be a good nurse because of all the nurses who brought in your pain medicine on time and who would slip you a cup of ice-chips while you were NPO. I want to be a good nurse so that I can be one example to our girls of what a servant looks like, and not just because I'll get paid to do it, but because (as my dad would say) it's an honorable profession.

I just want you to know that this is all because of you. And I mean that in a good way. Because of what you had to endure, I know that I can make it through this trial (and I'm sure it will be a headache-or worse-at times) and being with you for the wonderful 3 years we had together makes me sure of myself and of the fact that I have what it takes to do this. If you could fight cancer as long as you did and never once give up, I can get through the next couple of years of this commitment. I can do anything, and I see that because of what you went through.

I love you so much, sweetheart and I hope that you would be proud of me. Giving my two-weeks notice is the best thing I've done for myself since you left. Part of me is saddened because I will be giving up a part of my life that I had when I was with you, and I hate changing or adjusting anything that relates to or touches what we had together. But I know that whether or not I do this, you're still not here, and giving up on what I know is best for me and our family won't change that fact. I'm going to do my best to push through, one day at a time. I wish you were here to hold my hand through it all.

I miss you something awful but will work towards this goal every day with you in mind, and I think in a way, it will bring me closer to you. I love you Sean.

Sports Update

Honey, You may or may not know this already, but I figured I'd update you on what's been going on in the world of sports over the last several weeks. I know heaven must be amazing, but down here on earth, this is as close as we get to come sometimes. At least for me, anyway.

So, LeBron and Chris Bosh went to Miami with D-Wade so they're going to look at doing some serious damage next season. Raja Bell came back to the Jazz and totally blew off Kobe. It was awesome, you would have appreciated it. Kobe was all set to meet up with him for a dinner or something to recruit him to the Lakers, and the Jazz made him an offer and he didn't even meet with Kobe. He told him sorry, but he didn't want to waste his helicopter fuel. Ha! He said he didn't want to be an insurance policy and that's all the Lakers wanted him for. He wants to be an active part in winning a championship. And with the way the Jazz roster looks now, he'll have to be a contributor. Not that I have doubts in him, he was great when he was with us before, and he was great in Phoenix. But Boozer and Korver are now with Chicago (another team who could possibly do some damage next season). We've got Williams, Kirilenko, Okur, Miles, Bell, Fesenko, and some new true center who is supposed to be really good (Williams approves of him at least).

Spain won the world cup and beat Norway for it. The USA lost to Ghana. Eh, well, even Landon Donovan didn't think we'd make it all the way.

I haven't even peeked into NFL since there are so many things going on there on a daily basis I'm sure. And I think I mentioned before that Boise State is coming to the MWC next season and Utah accepted an invitation to join the Pac-10. It's going to be sweet. USC got banned from the next 2 post seasons because of Reggie Bush's controversy in accepting gifts while was a player, so their seasons are shot, and it's going to hurt their recruitment. So this is the last official year of the MWC Holy War rivalry between the Utes and BYU and it's at Rice-Eccles this year. They're going down.

And....some retarded hockey player signed a 17-year deal with a team. 17 years? Really? We'll see about that.

I think that's all I have for now. I'm sure there's more that I've missed, but there will be plenty of time for getting everything else in.

I can picture you here now, and you'd be all over the internet and ESPN about what's happening. You would have loved watching the World Cup and all of the tennis matches that have been going on lately. You'd be getting excited for your Raider's season (and rubbing it in my face, no less) and keeping an eye on what the Utes are doing. This football season will truly be as hard for me to face as Thanksgiving or Christmas will be, and I think very few people understand that, but you and I always built a large part of our relationship around our mutual love of sports, and to have to face our favorite season of the year alone is so much more than what I think I'm up for. But, I don't want to miss it because I think it will make me feel close to you at the same time it's tearing me apart. I've come to terms with the fact that a lot of things in my life will now have that effect on me--I'll be in a state of bliss at the same time I'm in excruciating pain. It's definitely strange (that word really doesn't come close to describing this really) to experience two completely opposite emotions at the same time, and to truly feel them both. I miss you just thinking about what's coming up this fall. The last time we were at a Utes game together you told me you wanted to have a baby. The last time we watched NFL together we were with our families celebrating and having a party. There are so many thoughts that go through my mind, and my heart breaks over what I'll never have again with you.

I love you so much, and I hope that if you have time enough to keep track of this world that you're looking down on what's going on in this crazy world of sports and keeping tabs on everything. It's definitely interesting to see what happens every season, and I just wish you were here to find these things out with me. I miss you sweetheart, and I'll be thinking about you lots and lots over the next coming months.

July 17, 2010

Sean,

Hi honey, I just wanted to tell you about my day today. I woke up around 11 (although I didn't go to bed until late the night before....as usual), got showered and dressed, and then my mom and I met up with your mom and Steph at the store to finish registering for baby stuff. Everything went fine, I even found a different stroller/carseats to register for that are like half the price of the ones I had registered for initially. I think they'll work out better too so that was good. Everything went fine. My feet were absolutely screaming by the time we were done, and we were only there for about an hour and a half. When I got home, I cried because you weren't there to rub my feet for me. I know that if you were there A) you would have been with me at the store going through all of the things we need for our kids and B) you would have just sat with me on the couch and given me a foot rub without me even asking you. I miss you when stuff like this happens because you were so loving that you would think of things like that on your own. You always wanted to make sure that I was doing alright and you always knew just what to do or say to make me feel better. After all that, I put my feet up on the couch and rubbed them myself, which was easy since it's getting harder and harder to reach them.

I had dinner with my family tonight, and then my mom and I finished cleaning out the closet in the nursery. Now there are just a few more things left to take care of in that room before it gets its transformation. I'm in the process of moving Chemo's things into our master bath to get her out of the babies room and get her used to being somewhere else. I'm not sure how she's going to take this, but she'll get over it I'm sure. My mom is planning on cleaning the carpet in that room next weekend and then the weekend after that I think I'm going to try to paint. I'll need to have my family and yours come over and help me, but with so many people working on the room, it will be done in no time. I'm still waiting to get our tax return from the state so that I'll have the money we were expecting to use toward getting the nursery decorated. Really the paint is all I need though so it shouldn't be too bad. I wish you were here to see how it turns out. I hope I do a good job.

Then tonight I went back over to my parents and used the hot tub. It's been nice for this summer because I can keep the water temperature fairly cool so I don't overheat and I can be in as long as I want. The jets really help too, especially tonight when I was really sore from moving boxes around the entire house. You would have liked it tonight. It was really warm tonight (because it was like hell-hot outside today) and the spa was cool and felt great. I miss relaxing in the evenings with you, wherever we were or whatever we were doing.

So today was a weird one for me for sure. Parts of it were really hard to take and deal with, and others were less difficult. Nothing is ever easy, even now, and I'm usually up and down, although not usually in the same day. Everything is still really hard, and I miss you so much every moment of every day. I think about you all the time. I'll think about what you'd be doing at a given moment, or something you'd say, or a reaction you'd have to something. You're always on my mind which is both a comfort to me and a dagger in my heart, all at the same time.

I love you so much Sean. I don't know what tomorrow will be like, only that you won't be there again, and I feel like going on a preemptive strike and to just decide right now not to get out of bed in the morning. I feel like that every night. Somehow I manage to pull myself out of bed each morning, and honestly it's probably because I always have to pee from the child (Sophie) bouncing around on my bladder all night. I guess my point is that without you here, besides the girls, there is very little in this world left for me to get out of bed for.

So I just wanted to tell you that I was thinking about all day, just like I think about you all day everyday. I love you Sweetheart.

Ridiculous

Honey,

The overall feeling I've had today about everything is described in one word: ridiculous. I've just had this sense all day of how ridiculous that this is my life right now. If you had asked me 5 years ago when I was graduating high school where I'd be in 5 years, I'd have told you something like, I'll have my degree, be married, maybe have kids. Just something normal like that. I wouldn't tell you that I'd be a widow, pregnant with twins, trying to figure out everything on my own. I realize that I'm not the first person to be in this situation, and anyone in any situation similar to this wouldn't have told you they'd be there either, but it's so surreal, it's at a ridiculous level.

I don't know, I guess I'm just in denial today. It comes and goes. It's just stupid really. There are so many people out there who are in marriages that they take for granted and decide they don't want to be in, and all I can think about that is, hey, if you don't want your marriage, feel free to trade me, because I loved mine and would kill to get it back.

Anyway, I thought you should know that I'm definitely not content with this situation, and there are a million things that I would change. The feelings that I have right now about where I'm at are similar to the feelings that I get when I have to deal with the Hollywood video people or the financial aid office. It's just.....ridiculous.

I love you for always understanding who I was and for never questioning that. You were the only person who knew the real me in a complete way. You didn't just know parts or sections of me, you knew the whole picture, and even when I found a lot of things to be ridiculous, you didn't judge me or run away...in fact most of the time you were right there with me, holding my hand, and supporting me or agreeing with me.

So, this is ridiculous, and I love you anyway.

The Story of Us

Sean,

I was thinking today about how everyone has a story. Everyone's life means something different to them, and something different even to the ones they come in contact with. Everyone is writing their own story as they go along living. Sometimes we are the hands that manipulate the pens and we write our own stories, sometimes we are the pens that are manipulated by God's hands. Sometimes people's stories even intertwine or become combined into one story. I think that was what happened to us. In our case, we were two different people with two different stories that met up at one very specific point in the tale and went on to intertwine, combine, mesh, and fuse into the same story, with each of us authoring one side, and the two sides creating the story of us.

The beginning of our story was beautiful, the end was tragic. It was truly like something straight from Shakespeare. If I had to decide what kind of story ours was, I would call it an epic love story. It wasn't a horror story, a comedy, or a fantasy. It wasn't a mystery, folk tale, or work of fiction. The theme that dominated our story, was Love, by far. There are many epic love stories that have claimed their places throughout the ages: Romeo and Juliet, Heathcliff and Catherine, Darcy and Elizabeth, and then some not-so epic-but-maybe-just-as-moving love stories: Edward and Bella (I know, I know), Robin Hood and Maid Marian, Wesley and Buttercup, Ross and Rachel.

Our story was truly among the greats. It was well written, bursting at the seams with real passion, real emotion, real struggles and real triumphs. It was epic in the sense that not just anyone and everyone could relate to what was happening to the characters individually or as a pair, but that everyone would want to, and that what we had together is the stuff that dreams are made on. And if our story gets told right, it will resound through generations of our own bloodline, and even possibly the generations of others.

And just like the other epic love stories, ours didn't end just because you left or because we were separated. It's still on-going, and it's still writing itself. I promised you a lot of things in our life together, and I'll promise you something now: I'll never stop being the pen, the paper, or the hand to our story-writing, and whatever the end turns out to be, I'll make sure that it is shelved away with all the other epics, right in its rightful place of course.

I love you so much, sweetheart, and I wish you were here to finish writing our story with me.

I Love You

Sean,

Sometimes, thinking of things to say to you or about you, or just thinking at all, is extremely overwhelming. And that's the point where I'm at at this moment. So, I'm just going to say the only thing I can manage right now.

I love you. I love you more today than I did yesterday or the day you died, or the day we got married. I just love you. Plain and simple. And that makes everything perfect, and it makes everything terrible.

So, that's all I want to say today. I love you. I just really really love you.

Talking to You

Sweetheart,

I miss talking to you. On all levels. I miss being able to joke around with you about things that we both found completely ridiculous, or things that were bothering us, or that we were angry about. I miss talking to you about plans and dreams for the future, like selling our cars and taking a permanent vacation to Italy and starting a bike rental shop and flower stand. I miss talking to you about important things like what the doctors were telling you or what was going on at work. I miss sitting with you, and not needing to say anything because we were so comfortable with each other that we didn't need to have a conversation to communicate. I miss the looks you'd get on your face when you thought I was crazy or being funny or if I was upset or angry about something. Your face was always very expressive to me, but in subtle ways that most people probably never noticed. I always noticed, and I could tell when something was bothering you just by looking at you. Those bright blue eyes couldn't hide anything from me, but I love that you never even tried to.

I miss just coming home and having the typical "hi, how was your day" conversation. Anytime any one asks me that question or if they ask me "how was work" and I answer "busy", I always think about you because that was like a weird routine of ours. You'd ask me how work was and that was always my answer. But then, we'd move on to something else more real and more important. It was like our transition into real conversation or something.

I just miss you being the one that I could tell anything and everything to. From the tiniest things that were on my mind to all of my strange and crazy "what if's" to the most serious of topics. Now, all I have to look back on are the conversations that we had, and I have to keep telling myself that you're not here for me to talk to anymore every time something happens or something comes to mind. I couldn't be myself with anyone quite like I could with you, and I miss being myself, and I miss you.

I miss the sound of your voice as well. I thought I should just throw that in there. You had an excellent voice, and it's impossible to explain how hearing it made me fall more and more in love with you every day. I can still hear the sound of it sometimes in my head, but it's fading, and I hate that o much. I know that memories fade, and things we experienced with our senses fade, but I'm not ready for that to happen, so I hold on to things like the sound of your voice for dear life, because it's those things that I can still experience that keep my heart beating, even though sometimes I think it's what's killing me from the inside out at the same time.

I just miss you, there's not really much more to it than that. It's such a broad range of emotions and experiences though, so I want to be specific and let you and everyone else know what I'm particularly thinking about. So today, I miss talking to you, telling you things, laughing about everything ridiculous, and hearing the sound of your voice.

I love you so much, honey, you have no idea.

Wedding

Honey,

So, with Jennifer and Bryan's wedding that I went to this past weekend, it naturally made me think a lot about our own. I loved their wedding this weekend. It was perfect. It was tasteful and elegant and had their personalities written all over it. It was great. But, I guess I'm biased, because I still think that our wedding was perfect too. I have been thinking about that a lot today.

I was thinking about our vows today. I remember sitting with you on the cliff at La Jolla cove writing them together. It was the perfect moment. The sun was setting, and we just sat next to each other and talked about what we wanted to promise each other for the rest of our lives together. It was beautiful and I'll always treasure that memory. This is what we came up with:

Let this ring that I give to you now
Stand to all who see it
As a symbol of my love for you.
Let it be a constant reminder to you
Of the promises that I make to you today.

I promise to be faithful,
To care for you unconditionally,
To show you love in everything I do,
And to put your needs before mine.
I promise to always serve you as Christ served.

I promise to always encourage you,
Support you,
And love you
Whenever times are good or hard,
Through all ailments and struggles,
And to be your best friend,
Until death parts us.

I promise to honor you,
And to never take you for granted,
To include you in all aspects of my life,
And to always keep you close to me.

I promise to never forget what brought us together,
And to love the things that will strengthen us in the future.
I promise to show God's love to you,
And to others through my relationship with you.

These are my promises, my oaths, and my vows,
To you,
And to God.

* * * * * * * *

I read over these again just now, and I could easily think of an example for each promise of how you kept these vows and how you honored our marriage. I love that these were the promises you made to me to be fulfilled for the rest of our lives together, and no matter how long or short that time frame turned out to be, each promise was definitely fulfilled by you, and I hope I did as good of a job at keeping these promises to you as you were at keeping them to me.

Then, there were the little things like, having the big screen and xbox at the reception center where we got married. We got there about 2 hours before the wedding started and although I had a lot to do to pass that time with, I knew that you'd be looking for something to keep you and your boys occupied, so I'm glad that they had that available to keep you entertained. I think it worked out really well, even though you did end up stealing (alright, accidentally) their copy of Halo and we had to mail it back. Also, the raccoon prints that were all over the car the next morning when we were leaving the bed and breakfast. They had come in the middle of the night and had eaten off every last bit of oreo and cream that was on the car from when the groomsmen trashed it. It was hilarious, and we laughed about it all the time.

I remember preparing for our first dance together. Neither of us are that big on dancing, but we both shared a mutual desire to make that moment memorable, so we took that dancing class together at the U, and even got credits for it, so it worked out really well in the end. And our song was absolutely perfect. I remember we chose it when we were driving in the car one day and you had asked what song should be "our song", and we thought about all kinds of things from songs by Aerosmith and Band of Horses to Ben Folds and Queen. I don't know how we came up with the song we chose, but it ended up being absolutely perfect for us. It was "God Only Knows" by the Beach Boys. The whole gist of the song was that God only knows what I'd be without you, and now that I'm without you, I realize how appropriate of a song it was for us to choose as ours. I really am lost without you, and truly only God knows what I am now that I've lost you. I'll never forget it, and it will always be our song.

Remember when we had the rehearsal dinner at my parents house and my dad's mom had just flown in from LA that afternoon? She and your grandma met and they hit it off so well. It was so cute to see them sitting together on the couch in the living room just chatting all night. They were like little kids almost, we had to break them up so that we could all make it out to the patio to eat. I remember talking with you about this many times after the wedding, you thought it was just as sweet, and slightly comical, as I did.

Remember the colors we had? Dark red and black? You always said it was our "Utes" wedding. You looked amazing in the red vest that I had you wear, and I remember how excited was that Evan got to wear the same color as you. He thought it was so cool that his was the only tuxedo that was just like Sean's, and he looked adorable. I'll always remember on our wedding day when he was upstairs with me and he was changing into his tux, he didn't have any underpants on! He had dressed himself that morning and apparently didn't include that specific article of clothing. Emily and I had a huge laugh about that, and I'm sure that it will be a story that she'll embarrass him with in front of his future girlfriends someday.

And my ring, honey, what else can I say about it except that it was absolutely perfect. I know we had gone ring shopping together, but there were several different styles that we had looked at and both liked, and I secretly had chosen this as my favorite but I truly don't believe I had ever told you that. I think that you and I were just on the same page as to what we thought looked tasteful and elegant and it ended up being the same setting. I mean, I have to brag here....the diamond is truly huge. And the setting only amplifies it. I really do love my "pagoda" ring. I'm so glad you understood what I always meant when I said that, and that you appreciated it in the same way that I did. I'm still shocked at the value that it was appraised at for the insurance coverage, but it makes me appreciate you more, because you always believed I was worth every penny.

I remember driving off from the reception and having a feeling of complete relief wash over me. Just the feeling of it all being over finally and us officially starting our lives together was amazing. That's all I really ever wanted. It wasn't about the wedding, it was about my life with you, and while I wouldn't have changed much about the wedding or the way it went down, there is truly nothing I would change about the way our marriage was. We had a perfect life together in the sense that we were perfect for each other. We complimented every aspect of each other, and supplemented each other in a lot of cases too. We worked hard every day, and harder on some days, at our marriage and making things work for us, but mostly things just came easy because we always had a mutual understanding of and respect for each other, and we always made the effort to translate those things into our interactions with each other. We had extremely open lines of communication, but what I really loved was the comments we could make about something, that would sound totally random or strange to someone else, but we always understood each other. We were always ourselves with each other (which of course was how our dating relationship was as well) and there was never any judgment. If I had to pick one word to describe our relationship/marriage, I would choose "love". The meaning of that word truly encompasses everything that we had together and created together, and it was perfect.

So, in retrospect, our wedding was pretty perfect. We had a great ceremony, a great reception (complete with dancing, and the catching of my garter by my 10 year old cousin...), and a great wedding night (woot!). But, really it was our marriage that I loved and thought was the most perfect thing of all. We were best friends, lovers, companions, and partners in crime. I truly think that you are the only person on this earth who will ever fit me so perfectly, and anyone else in this world that I could have chosen would have been settling. With you, it was never settling, it was hitting the jackpot. Even with you being sick, I always felt like I was the luckiest woman alive to have met you and won you over. I somehow got you to fall in love with me, and I never forgot that for even a day of our marriage. I'm so lucky that you chose me, and that you picked me to be your wife for the rest of your life and to be the mother of your children. You were definitely a hot commodity when we met, and I always told you that I couldn't believe you married me. I still feel that way--I can't believe it was me that you chose. You could have had anyone that you wanted, and out of everyone, you wanted me. I love you so much, and I'm so glad that you picked me.

I love you so much sweetheart. Thanks for marrying me and making me the luckiest, happiest, and most loved woman on earth.

Ouch

Honey,

Today, I don't want to talk about anything. I don't want to think about anything. Everything is so hard, and it's just not getting any easier. It's been nearly a month and a half, and it feels like things are going backwards from where they should be. It still hurts so much every time I let my mind wander to picture you with me doing whatever I'm doing at that moment. Once I realize that you're not there, and that you're not going to ever be there, my heart shatters into a million pieces all over again. And any time a piece heals it feels like it's in the wrong place, and like a shard of glass is cutting away at me. I'm so unhappy all of the time, even when I think I'm doing fine for the moment. The little things that used to make me feel better when I was upset or feeling sad don't even come close to working anymore. I could watch the entire series of Friends and not feel one bit of comfort. I could sit in the shower until the water ran cold and the HOA complained that I had run up the water bill without feeling any calmer. I could be surrounded by all of my family and friends and still feel all alone. It's bad enough not having you here anymore, but there are so many extra feelings and experiences that I'm going through right now that I didn't realize I'd have to face on top of losing you at the same time. I realize I'm pregnant with twins right now and I know enough to know that my hormone levels are through the roof and out of control, but I also know enough about what you meant to me to know that the way I'm feeling isn't being affected by that aspect. If I wasn't pregnant right now, I know that I would still be feeling these exact same things to this exact same degree, so I can't even use that excuse as a scapegoat.

I wish you were here so badly. That's all I want, and I don't understand why I can't have that. I wish I could see you again, and touch you again, and I wasn't ready for the last time that those things happened to be the last time. Robin was telling me today about how she was going through her pictures from the past year and scrapbooking them like she does every summer, and she came across the last picture that she had ever taken of her mom. She said she had no idea that would be the last picture that there would be, and it brought back so many feelings that she had worked through over the last 10 months. The thought that entered my mind was that I don't even know what the last picture of you that was taken was. Once I find it though, I'm sure it will be as shocking as when I found that your headstone had been laid. There are so many things that I have tried to work through already, and so many things I haven't even thought of dealing with yet, and I'm so stuck. I feel like I'm trapped in Hell and I can't get out. These nightmares and dreams that I have every night don't help anything. My sleep is so disturbed and I hate it because that's the only time I get to see you and interact with you, and it's always some terrible, hellish ordeal that we're going through. Since you died I haven't had a peaceful night, and I haven't had a pleasant dream about you. Everything I've dreamt has been terrifying or unnerving or an amplified version of the truth. I can't even get a peaceful moment with you when I'm unconscious.

I'm in so much pain and I can't take anything for it because it's not the kind of pain you can treat. I'm learning that with this pain, you have to let it consume you and take you and burn you before anything can grow out of the ash and be healthy again. And I do feel isolated and alone, I feel like there is no one who understands what this feels like. And if there is, why haven't they told me what the secret is to getting through any part of this? I used to be independent and good at figuring things out for myself, but now I am so lost without you. I don't know whether to laugh or to cry, or which way is right or left, or where up is. All I know is that you're so far out of reach and out of sight that sometimes I wonder if you were even real. Then, I look around the house, and what my life is, and I know you were here, and I know that we were together and that what we had was as real as the keyboard I'm typing on. Except, it's all gone now. It's not here anymore, and you're not here anymore.

To say that I miss you doesn't even come close to describing what I'm feeling, but I don't know how else to put it so, I miss you. Saying that I missed you seems more appropriate for a day when I'm at work and you're at home and I just want to come home and be with you. This--this is something on a completely different level. And I don't even have the right words to use.

I know that I love you. At least I can recognize that feeling among all the others that are flooding my heart. At Bryan and Jen's wedding, we wrote on cards for their guest book and offered a piece of advice or words of encouragement. I told them to never leave each other without saying, "I love you" because it is the most important thing they will ever tell each other. You told me once, to never leave you without telling you how I felt, and since then I made it a point to make it known to you that you are everything to me. So, I'm going to continue to do that every day. Somehow, I will tell you that I love you every day so that you know exactly how much you mean to me, which is of course, everything imaginable.

I love you Sean.

Flying

Sean,

Today, I got on an airplane for the first time since you and I took our trip to New York. I have flown many times before, and many times before I knew you, but I still new that something was wrong and missing and that you weren't there with me. I flew to Missouri today for Jennifer and Bryan's wedding tomorrow, and this is a trip that you and I had planned on taking together. We have known about this for a while, and had planned on making the trip together this summer. We even RSVP'd as a couple to the event. And now, here I am, alone without you.

I'm not upset by the fact that I'm here to watch someone else get married or to be at a wedding. In fact, truly my wish for Jennifer and Bryan is that they are able to make their marriage even half of what our was so that they may live the happiest and most fullfilling life imaginable. What upsets me is simply that you are not here with me. You're not taking up the seat next to me on the plane, you're not sharing my hotel room with me. You're not sitting next to me at the wedding, and you're not going to be dancing with me in the evening.

When I was thousands of feet up in the air, flying on the plane today, I'd look down at the earth and thoughts and memories of you kept flooding my mind. It was strange though, I would have thought that with me being so far up, I'd feel like I was closer to you, but I didn't. Same with the way that I don't feel any further away from you being here in Missouri than I do when I sit on the couch at home. I thought about a lot of things while I was flying, including the last trip that we took together. It was the day we found out I was pregnant and we even got the call from the doctors office confirming the blood test results as we were walking to our gate. That trip was amazing with you. It meant so much to me that you loved New York like I did. We both were so energized and exhausted by the whole experience as well-it was incredible. I remembered how sick we both were by the end of that week though, and how the last day we were there in town we didn't even leave our hotel room because we were both so miserable. But, I remember that even though we were miserable with fevers and chills and sore throats, we really did enjoy the time we had together just spending the day laying curled up in each other's arms for warmth as we shivered from our bodies being overcome with disease.

I have so many wonderful memories of you. I think about our wedding vows all of the time, and I'm so proud of both of us for how well we fulfilled our promises to each other. Most of the time, it wasn't even an effort or something we had to keep in mind. It just came so naturally. It was natural for me to love you, it wasn't work, or a job, or a promise I had to keep. It was what kept me breathing and what made it worth getting out of bed every morning. It's what kept my hopes alive for our future together, and it's what drives me now to keep going and to somehow find a way. It hasn't been easy, but I've somehow found a way, and I know that it's the love that I feel for you, and the love that I know you felt for me that even keeps my heart beating.

I love you so much. You're still my everything. And I continue to love you more each day, which still amazes me. But then again, you were truly amazing, and you were never anything less.

I love you

I love you

I love you



God only knows what I'd be without you.

Kicking

Sweetheart,

The girls started kicking tonight. Like, actually kicking to the point where I can feel the movement from the outside, and not just on the inside. I am so devastated that you are not here to feel this right now. I mean, it just started like 3 minutes ago. I am at home, sitting on the couch (in your spot), and I can feel both of them. Sophie started first, and I think she may have stirred Olivia enough to make her do it to because now they're both going crazy. I always wanted this moment to come while I was at home so that I wouldn't be at work our out somewhere without you so that I could just have you come running over to feel. If you were here right now, you'd be able to feel them.

I can't believe you're missing this right now. First it was the ultra sound to find out what we were having. Now, it's their first kicks. Soon it will be their births, then their first feeding, their first night at home, their first solid food, their first steps, and their first day of school. I miss you so much. It's unbelievable. This should be one of the happiest moments of my life, and it's turning swiftly into one of the saddest. Oh, honey, I wish I could enjoy this the way it should be. Our girls are growing, and they're getting closer to being here, and this is an amazing feeling to know that they are in there. But I would give anything at this moment for you to be here to place your hands on my belly to feel your daughters moving. And they can hear now, and I know that they would move to the sound of your voice if they could hear it.

It feels like my heart and soul are splitting into two halves. I'm so happy and at the same time, I have never felt the loss of you more. I knew that this moment would be difficult, but I never imagined it would be like this.

I wish you were here, I wish you were here, I wish you were here.

I love you, darling husband, and I hope that wherever you are, you are somehow experiencing this with me.

Ugh Today.....

Sean,

Today was very strange for me. A few things happened, and I so wish you had been here for me to tell you about them.

First, I was able to pay off our credit card that we used to buy my wedding ring with the money I got from selling my Jetta. It was kind of bittersweet for me because I was glad to be done with the balance on that card, but now it's like, now that this ring is completely ours, you're not here anymore, and its meaningfulness has changed somewhat. It will always be my wedding ring. It was the ring you gave to me when you asked me to be your wife for the rest of your life, and when you made your vows to me. It's my constant reminder of how much you loved me and of everything that you did for me in our marriage and our time together. It's my reminder of a legal contract we made with the state, and an oath we made together before God. But now, it's my reminder that that oath has been fulfilled and is no longer binding. I know you were raised in the LDS church and their belief is that couples are able to be sealed to each other for all eternity, but you and I did not believe that. When we stood up in front of our family and friends on our wedding day, we said that we vowed to love each other and support each other until death parted us. Well, death has parted us, and I'm still wearing the ring you gave me. I will never stop wearing it. It's so much a part of me with you now and I cannot bear even the thought of parting with it. I want you to know that I don't wear it because I think it's beautiful (which it obviously is....it truly is the most magnificent piece of jewelry that I have ever seen), I wear it because of what it represents between you and I, which is why I've always worn it. I know that you and I believe that we will see each other in Heaven one day, and I cannot wait for that day to come. Until then, however, I am husbandless. I'm a widow with a bright and shiny rock on her finger. I love that rock, though, and I love the memories that I have of you whenever I look at it. So, I guess I just wish that you had been here today to become the full and outright owner of this ring with me, and it breaks my heart when I remember that you are gone.

The second thing that happened today was that I got my first speeding ticket. Well, my first ticket of any kind really. I know what you thought of my driving, but I don't care what anyone says, I was always careful, even when I was in a hurry. I had a clean driving record until today, and that's something that I was always proud of. So what happened was I was driving home from the bank with Richard in the Xterra, and I was driving down the road leading to our house next to the UTA field......you know....the one where everyone drives 40-45 mph and no one cares because everyone knows the 25 mph limit is ridiculous for a road next to absolutely nothing. Well, over the past week, there had been that stupid radar machine out on the road telling you how fast you're going and flashing at you if you were going too fast. That machine has been gone for a couple of days, and I thought we were all in the clear again. I guess I was distracted by talking to my brother or something because I did not see the motorcycle cop sitting on his bike right in front of the entrance to our street. He flashed his lights at me when he saw me coming, and I saw him put his radar gun down, and I knew I was in for it. Thank God I had received my insurance card in the mail last week and put it down in the glove box earlier this week because the card that I had in there expired late in 2009. I don't know where the updated one went but it wasn't in the glove box. Also, I renewed the registration on the car about a month late so I was glad to have had that taken care of so that when he asked for the registration and proof of insurance, everything was current. I was also glad that I had my drivers license on me and it wasn't in your pocket like it was sometimes after we'd go out and I didn't want to take my purse with me. Anyway, the officer said he clocked me going 45 mph in a 25 mph zone, but after he checked my record and ran my information, he only wrote me for 5 over. Part of it was probably because he knew that he was only stationed there because some nosy, lonely, bored, bitter old lady complained to the home owners association about people driving on that road so they had asked for the police to patrol the road for a couple of weeks or something like that. Because really, do they not have anything better to do than to patrol that street? Knowing our neighborhood, someone was probably getting shot at or stabbed at the exact same moment he was writing the ticket. I wish I didn't have to explain myself here, because if I were talking to you really, you'd know exactly what I meant to say and I wouldn't even have to say it. (I love you so much for that.) So, I ended up with a $90.00 ticket 100 yards away from my front door. So stupid.

The third thing about today was the hardest thing for me to handle by far. I completely lost it, and I'll admit that I haven't cried that hard since the week after you died. I went to visit your grave today because it had been a few days since I had been there. As I walked up to it, I noticed something was different, and I almost stopped myself because I thought I was headed to the wrong spot. It turned out that your headstone had been placed. I'm not exactly sure, but I think it was placed today, because the spot looked so fresh where they had placed it. It really does look nice, honey, and you would like it, as much as anyone can like a headstone. But seeing it on the ground, over the place where your body lies, was too much for me. I just lost it. It made it feel like whatever wishes or hopes or prayers that I had that this is all still one long nightmare, went right out the window, and this feeling of grim and devastating permanence settled instead. I'm very torn about this because I'm glad that your grave is now marked properly and that there is no longer a little tin peg with a window and your name in it stuck into the ground, but it feels so final and just.......real. It was so painful to be there, and I just sat on the ground and cried for an hour. I haven't really stopped yet. I really feel like whatever progress I was making in healing and becoming more and more okay (which I have never felt is something that has actually been happening to any noticeable extent), has become completely undone, and I'm in the place I was about 4 weeks ago. There was so much sadness and despair that I felt at the sight of your grave tonight. Normally I feel a sense of peace or calm when I am sitting with you there, but tonight, all I felt was unrest, heartbreak, and disbelief. I really feel like I've regressed, and that my progress has been undone. I hate thinking of your body lying in the cold wet ground. You were so perfect, and there were so many physical things that I loved about you that only complimented the emotional and spiritual traits that you had. I won't talk about them here because if I start, I fear that my tears will fry the motherboard of our laptop and I will be in another situation I don't want to find myself in. I have tried to think about a positive thing to say about that experience tonight, and I guess one thing that I can come up with is that the headstone itself was made exactly how we requested it, it was placed with respect shown to you (I can tell because the grass on your grave was not squashed or disheveled, there was no mess or dirt laying around, etc.), and it will serve forever as a marker for everyone who loves you to find you in your final resting place. I will still visit your grave as frequently as I do now, and when our girls are here, I will take them there, and it will become a place of peace and comfort for them like it usually is to me.

So, that was my day, and it was definitely one for the books. I really missed you not being here today, and of course I thought of you during every second of it. I know we're not supposed to say things like this, but it's how I feel at this moment: I wish time would go by faster so that the day would come sooner when I can be with you again. I wish the Lord would come again. I am ready for Him. As much as I have going for me here in this life with our daughters, and the other important aspects of my life, I have nothing here that is so important as to keep me from longing for Heaven and its glory, and my reunion with you.

I love you so much Sean, and please don't be mad at me for too long about the ticket. At least he wasn't "filling a quota" like the one who got you was. I love you sweetheart.

Naming the Girls

Honey,

There are a lot of things that I wonder about all the time. I'm constantly thinking about something. It's always about you, or us, or the girls, or what we had, or what I miss, or what we'll never have. What's been on my mind a lot is raising our girls, particularly without you. I don't know how I'm going to do it, but I want you to know that I'm going to try my best, and I'm never going to give up, because you would never want me to, and because they are all I have now, and I could never let them down.

I guess the first step I've made is deciding on names for our babies. It killed me when you died and we didn't know what the twins were. All you ever said was that you wanted to live long enough to hold the babies. When you died, I had wished that you had just lived even a few more weeks to know what we were having. When I found out they were girls, I had mixed feelings. I have always wanted to have a girl because I know how much fun little girls are, and how amazing it is to watch them grow up into young women. I know that you always said that you wanted to have little girls and trade them in at about age 11 or 12 for boys so that you could skip the teenage drama years. You always wanted a little boy because you wanted to raise him to be a sports fan (NOT a raiders fan, ahem), you wanted to teach him how to ride a bike, and how to tie a tie, how to shave. You wanted him to carry on the family name, and to grow up to be a good man like you were. I wanted all of that too, and when I found out that both babies were girls, it was very bittersweet for me. Nevertheless, I was able to find some comfort in the fact that you and I had already picked out names for our sweet babies before you died. So, naming them Olivia and Sophie was probably the easiest thing I've had to do since you left. And I don't know what that's really saying since absolutely nothing about this has been easy. But then I was left to decide on middle names. I've never understood not giving your children middle names, and it was something that you and I had decided we'd do for our kids, so I wanted to make sure it happened. I went back and forth on whether or not I wanted to use family names like Susan and Kathleen, or if I wanted to do something totally different and just give them middle names that we had liked as possible first names. When you died, a lot of things changed, including what my thoughts on naming the babies were. Long story short, and after a lot of thought and consideration, I've decided that our girls will have so much of you in them and I will see you to such a great extent through them, that it didn't make sense not to give them your names. So, our daughter's names will be:

Olivia Sean Martella
and Sophie Michael Martella

I know that if you were still alive, they it would be different, and you'd never let me name them after you, but you truly are the greatest person I have ever known, and I have never loved anyone so much. You mean everything to me, and I think that to see this translated into the girl's names will be so meaningful to them as they grow older, and I know it's very meaningful to me. I have to tell myself every day that just because you're not here anymore doesn't mean that they won't know you, but another part of me understands that they were robbed of something irreplaceable and that there is nothing that I could ever do or give to them or say to them that will fix that. I haven't even met our daughters yet, but I am sad for them already. I feel like I know them already, and I wish that you were here to know them like I do too.

So, I hope that you know that truly everything I do for these babies is for them, but it's also for you. I think of you in all the decisions I make for them already. I think about what you would say if I asked you what you thought, and I consider what my thoughts would be, and sometimes I think of them as being the same thing, and sometimes I think of a compromise between what we'd both want or think. I wish that the babies were here with me already so that I could start telling them about their daddy. You will be so missed by them, even though they never knew you in this life. And I miss you so much too. Everyday, no matter what is on my mind.

I love you so much sweetheart.

The Stars

Honey,

Tonight I was outside on the porch letting Bailey out, and I was looking up at the stars, and I was wondering if you are closer to me than they are, or if you're further away. I thought about the moon, and it made me remember one time when you were camping. I think it was when you went for the class that you were taking and you were going to be gone for like 2 nights. I think that was the longest that you and I had ever spent apart. Every time you went with the boys, you were only gone for one night. Anyway, you called me before you were going to bed (or probably before you thought I was going to bed, since you were always a night-owl), and told me to open the window and look at the moon. I did, and there wasn't really anything special about it, and I asked what I was doing this for, and you said that you were looking at it at the same time, and that it didn't matter how far away we were from each other because at that moment, we were together. I wish I could know if you were looking at the stars tonight too. It would make me feel so much better to know that I had been with you at that moment.

How far away is Heaven really? Sometimes I think, it must be closer than the stars because they are so so far away. But then, sometimes I think not, because I remember that I can see the light from the stars, even though they are so far off, and I have never seen anything of Heaven. I don't know which is better (or worse) either--Heaven being closer than the stars, but me not being able to see or sense it or you, or it be further away than even the stars are, which is a distance unfathomable to me.

I wish I knew how to get to either place. If I could get to the stars, I might be closer to you than when I am here on earth. If I could get to Heaven, I'd be right where you are, and I'd never have to leave you. I miss you so much Sean and I want to be with you every day. I just want to hold your hand and walk down the street (or clouds, or stars).

I just love you honey, and I wish that I could know we were looking at the moon at the same time again.


P.S. I saw eclipse today, and I just want to say that Edward and Bella don't have anything on what you and I had. So there.

Okay 3 Things...

Sean,

I know you get the title of this, and I can just picture the smile on your face as you recall the memory. Ahhh.....those were the days, huh? I really loved that email.

I've been really depressed lately, obviously, and even though I remember some of the best things about you in my other posts, I obviously miss you a lot as well, and so everything comes out all "emo" sounding....which I know how you feel about, and I don't particularly like as well. Be that as it may, I wanted tonight's post to be a little less in that direction. So, I'm just going to list 3 things that I love about you, in no particular order.

1. Your inability to open doors. Even when the signs said to "pull" or "push", you always managed to do the opposite. To some people, this might sound like an insult, but it was always one of my favorite things about you. I guess I thought of you as being perfect, and whenever this happened, it reminded me that you weren't, and that made me love you because it made me know you were real, like me, and that we were meant for each other in that way. We were two real people who didn't have any misconceptions or delusions about who we were or who we were with. We knew each other completely, inside and out, and I loved knowing that I was in love with a real person, and not with a fantasy.

2. Your taste in music. I'll admit, it was much better than mine, and now, because of you, I have been introduced to so much. I haven't been able to bring myself to listen to anything yet, because most anything I hear reminds me of you, since you were the one who had me listen to everything in the first place, but I'll get there someday, and when I'm able turn on the radio, or play your ipod, I'll love the memories we had together talking about music, going to concerts, and of you teaching me who bands are, and helping me grow to like them as much as you.

3. Your loyalty. Whether it was to me or your family or your sports teams, whatever you cared about, you always remained very loyal to it. With me, I trusted you fully from day 1 because I could see this quality in you from the beginning. And, while I sometimes had to keep my eye on you to make sure the other girls didn't come try to snatch you up, it was never worried about you leaving me or being dishonest with me. When it was something to do with sports, what comes to mind is the Raiders....and honestly, enough said right there. You were always loyal to the Jazz too, although you were a convert post Michael Jordan era. But again, no one is perfect, right? Anyway, it was always one of your best qualities, and I loved that the man who cared about me so much had this as one of his qualities that was always apparent and obvious.

So, those are 3 of the things that I loved so much about you. Of course there are a million more, but let's take this slowly, shall we? I want you to know that my heart is still breaking daily, and that I'm still not doing okay, but I'm trying for you because I know you wouldn't want to see me all damaged and hurting like I am. I'm trying not to come unglued all the time, but it's a lot harder than I ever thought it would be to be without you, so I'm doing the best I can. I hope that by remembering a few of the good things about you, I won't get as stuck on the awfulness of this situation. Keyword: hope.

Anyway, I love you so much, sweetheart, and I miss you something awful. Thanks for being so real, and cultured, and loyal. I love you.

Holidays Continued....

Honey,

Today was borderline unbearable. I woke up this morning drugged from the sleeping pill I took last night. It was too early (7 am) and I wish that it was a morning that I had woken up to you. I would have rolled next to you and snuggled against your chest while you ran your fingers sleepily through my hair like you always did, and we'd just lay there and doze back off to sleep together.

Next was the parade, and I know how much you hate parades, but you never complained about going with me and my family to keep up with my traditions. It didn't feel like tradition today, it felt like nothing. The excitement was gone, the feeling of accomplishing a part of a tradition was gone, and all that was there was me missing you, picturing you sitting in the lawn chair next to me holding my hand while we made cynical comments about the entries. That's how it should have been, and everything about this morning felt wrong.

I cooked for about 3 hours today. I made your mom's funeral potatoes to take to the church's bbq tonight, but I also put together chicken kabobs and made lemon squares. You would have loved it, everything came out really well, and I really missed spending a perfect summer evening outside with you, grilling away, and visiting and laughing with people. It was only about 80 degrees, and you would have thought today was perfect. Even before the sun was setting and there wasn't much shade anywhere, it wasn't too hot to be outside, sitting on the lawn and eating. I wanted you there with me....I really felt like half of me was missing. It always feels like something is missing though. It feels like, no matter what I'm doing, whether it's sitting at home on the couch posting on this blog, or going to the grocery store and playing our guessing game with myself about the total price of everything, I always notice that something important is missing, and it feels like I'm forgetting something, even though I'm extremely aware that what is missing is you.

Tonight we watched Murray City's fireworks from the church parking lot. I hadn't ever stayed on that side before...you know, again with the traditions, and usually I'd be over on the hill in the park lying down on a blanket facing the sky. I didn't want to lie down on a blanket tonight if you couldn't be there lying next to me. It was the most torturous part of the evening, by far. You loved fireworks and you'd always pull me in closer to you because the nights were always a little chilly. Tonight, I sat alone, in a chair, not lying on the hill, and not in your arms. Instead, I was concentrating on the acrobatic routine taking place in my uterus as both Sophie and Olivia squirmed and wiggled with each boom and pop of the fireworks. It was definitely the most movement I've felt so far, but with each burst of the fireworks, and spin of the babies, my heart broke piece by piece because you weren't here to experience that with me. You were missing from that picture, from that moment. People still always tell me that you're watching over me and that you're with me in spirit, but I was extremely lonely tonight, and couldn't feel anything but the babies moving, and sadness.

Kyle came by and hung out with me at the bbq for a little while. It was good to see him and for him to be there. He's not the next closest thing to you that I have or anything like that....there really is no next closest thing, but I think he really knows what it's like to miss you and to go through these things and feel like you're missing. You not being here has been really hard on him too, and honey, if you could see him, you'd see it on his face. He reminded me tonight that last year, when we were all at the Sugarhouse Park fireworks, was when that car almost hit me while I was in the crosswalk. I remember how angry you were that they would try and bowl me down while I was crossing the street and how you slammed your fists into the guy's hood and were yelling at him to get out of the car so you could kick his ass. I remember how fast you came to my defense and how upset you were that someone came so close to hurting me. I remember being angry myself and thinking that you'd just have to wait your turn to kick his ass because I was going to do it first. And I remember the look on the driver's face when Kyle stepped up next to you to back you up. The guy looked at his wife in the next seat, and suddenly looked like he knew he was an idiot and decided against getting out of the car to fight you or argue. I'll always love you for things like this. There were a lot of situations where you didn't ever have to say how much you loved me, because your actions spoke much louder than works ever could, and that was definitely one of those moments.

I'd give anything to see you again. The real, actual, full, complete, you. Anything. A-ny-thing. I miss you so much in little ways and in the big ways. Today the big way was you not being here to celebrate this holiday with me. The 4th of July is usually a holiday that I look forward to each year because it's like, summer is now definitely here, whenever the holiday comes around. I didn't get to do any of it with you today. No parade, no bbq, no fireworks. The small ways included the things I know that would have happened between us today. You would have complained about waking up so early to go to a stupid parade, and I would have made you get out of bed anyway. You would have eaten a lot at the bbq because everything always looks so good, you can't help yourself. You would have had one hand in mine, and the other on my belly trying to feel the girls move during the fireworks. And you would have been there all day to take me in your arms and hug me, and kiss me, and tell me that you love me and that you are looking forward to spending the next holiday with me. Yeah....I definitely missed you today, and you were definitely missing from my day.

I love you so much sweetheart, and I don't know how I continue to live after a day like this. My heart is broken, and it feels like I've died, but I'm still here, walking this earth right now like a shadow, picturing things that will never happen, and only remembering things that did. If you know any of this, or know any of what I write to you, I hope you know that again today it's true, I love you more today than I did yesterday or the day before, and I believe that pattern will only continue into the future.

I love you Sean. Happy 4th of July.

Holidays

Hi honey,

I've been having a hard time again today. It's the start of the 4th of July weekend now (it's on a Sunday this year, so you know how Utah is about celebrating everything on Saturday instead), and I've always heard that when you lose someone, holidays are the hardest to get through, and this is the first one that has come up since you died on Memorial day. Memorial day never really meant a whole lot to me until we got engaged, and then it became the anniversary of our engagement. I think it will be hard for me in the future though, since now it's the anniversary of that, along with your death.

I don't really have any big or exciting plans. I know that if you were still here, it would be such a good day. I'd have the day off work and we'd spend the whole day together just like we used to. I really miss that. I miss planning on not making plans and just doing whatever we felt like with each other for the entire day. I'm going to Murray's parade in the morning with my family, just like every year. You know me and traditions. I know you hated parades, but I know you would have been right there with me, and I'm really going to miss you in the morning when I'm there by myself. I know that you would have been more excited about going if we had the kids and they were old enough to be excited about it too. I could just see them running around in little outfits collecting candy off the road and asking if they can eat 6 pieces.

I wish you were here to watch the fireworks with me tomorrow. I loved just laying on our blanket in the grass on the hill and watching the sky together. I'd lay down in your arms and I could feel the bursting of the fireworks in your chest as I felt it at the same time in mine. The summers were always our best times together. You loved the season so much. All the time we'd spend at the pool, going on picnics in the park, drives up the canyon, bbq's, and sitting out on the balcony during a thunderstorm watching the lightning. I miss all of that so much. Even though I've done all of those things in my lifetime without you, I did all of them with you, and they will never be the same. That's why going to this parade in the morning is going to be so hard. Even though you hated parades, and I had gone to this thing every year with my family since I was born, you became such a huge part of all aspects of my life, that I'll definitely notice that you're not with me while I'm there.

I'm going to make your mom's funeral potatoes for the bbq tomorrow night. You always loved my cooking. And you loved your mom's funeral potatoes. I'm sorry you'll miss out. Oh, honey, I don't know how I get through each day without you. Somehow the time manages to pass, but you're constantly in my thoughts, and a lot of the time, all I can do is consciously block out the memories that are flitting into my brain. Sometimes I let them come, because I don't like shutting you out, but sometimes it's too hard because the realization of reality always follows once the memories subside.

I hope you know that I love you and I hope that you know that I miss you. I wish you were here for me to tell you these things. But I do, I love you and I miss you. I'll be thinking about you a lot tomorrow, and wishing the entire day that you were there with me. I hate going through anything with out you, and I don't like the idea of making memories of a holiday without you there with me. When we were together, I couldn't imagine what my life would be like without you, and here I am, facing that reality, and it's too terrible to describe. I was talking to Kyle tonight, and we were saying that even though it's been a month since you left, it hasn't gotten any easier, it's actually gotten harder. I just miss you, and that's all there is to it.

I love you sweetheart, and I know you'll have the best seat in the house tomorrow when the fireworks go off. And don't be to critical about the parade. I know deep down you enjoy it and have a good time. I love you honey.