Nowhere Near Healed

Honey,

Why is it that cancer is so dominating? We always did the best we could to live a normal life outside of what was clearly putting both of us through hell. I don't think it was that we were in denial or wanted to avoid talking about anything, but more that we refused to be anything but hopeful. And I wish that you had never had cancer and that neither one of us had to go through what we did, but I'm glad that of all the people in this world, you were the one there with me.

You taught me so much from your example of patience, determination, and love. I have never known anyone to endure anywhere near as much as what you went through and the entire time you were sick, you were always concerned about my well-being. You didn't complain, you didn't give up hope, and you were always looking for a way to beat your cancer. You always wanted to make the best life possible for the both of us, and you wanted to make sure our children had a future.

I guess I'm writing this tonight because remembering these things about you helps strengthen me when I feel lost and when I start to lose hope. I look at what you went through and all that you did for me, and I know that I have to go on. My mom said that she has had comments from people about how well I seem to be doing and that I seem to be looking like I'm getting back on my feet and all I can say is that people see what they want to see. I still struggle every day and whatever people think they see is something that I don't feel is there. I feel like I might as well be a Tom and Jerry cartoon with a giant cannon ball hole blown through Tom with him wobbling around aimlessly looking for the rest of him to turn up.

So, I'm still trying to do my best every day to hold myself together for my own sake (because you fought so hard for me while you were fighting for yourself) and for the sake of our daughters. I'm no where near better, I'm no where near healed. Who knows if I will ever be, but I do still look to you for reassurance, and even though you're not here anymore to be there for me, I remember all the times that you were, and I love you for that.

I love you so so much.

What to Say

Sean,

Sometimes I'm just not sure what to say here. There's always a lot on my mind, and sometimes it gets to be too overwhelming to process. So, for tonight, I just want to say that I love you so so much and that I miss you incredibly. You're the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I still feel like I'm missing the better half of myself. You're still my whole world, and I'd give anything to have you back with me right now.

I miss you, and I love you honey.

Almost There

Honey,

I had one of my weekly doctor appointments today. I'm 33 weeks along now which means I'm bigger than most people are when they deliver 1 baby (I wish people would stop saying I'm not that big....I get what it was like for you when people said you looked good bald--even though I didn't mind that look on you). Everything went fine, the babies are healthy as far as they can tell right now, their heartbeats look normal, and everyone's just passing the time until they're born. My doctor said that in 1 week I can go off the nifedipine because delivering twins at 34 weeks (if I do go into labor so soon after stopping the medicine) isn't such a bad gestational age. She said that if I can get to 36 weeks off the nifedipine, not only can I come off of bed rest, but the chances that the babies will need to be in the NICU will be much much smaller. So, if I can make it another 3 weeks, go off my medicine, and come off bed rest, whenever the babies come after those points they'll most likely be able to come home with me from the hospital. I'm not sure if I'll make it another 3 weeks without going into labor but even if I do, as long as they're healthy and weigh enough they won't have to be in the NICU either.

So, we're almost there. I'm getting more and more nervous each day about doing this without you. And at this point I'm mostly referring to actual labor as opposed to raising the girls. I'm not excited to do that by myself either, but I can handle it. I don't know if I'll be able to handle labor without you there. You were always so caring and concerned about me whenever I was sick or in pain or had anything wrong with me, you'd be so great to have around during labor to keep the people away, squeeze my hand, and remind me to breathe. I have to remind myself to breathe all the time now that you're not around.

I miss you a lot, and no one will come close to filling in your spot in this event, and so I'll be left with a gaping hole next to me, wishing you were there with me the whole time. And I don't want to hear this "there in spirit" nonsense from people anymore. It's just not the same, and not what I need from you. I know you'd be there for me like crazy if you could.

I love you for giving me these precious babies and I can't wait to meet them and see how much they look like their daddy. I can't wait to see which of your personality traits they'll have inherited and I can't imagine how much you'd be laughing to see me try and take this on by myself. But you know I'm tough, and I know I'm tough, and I know how much you loved all of us, and that's all I have to get me through this.

I love you sweetheart, and I wish I had your hand here to squeeze.

Outlet not Blog

Honey,

So tonight, it was brought to my attention in various ways by at least 3 different people, how public this "blog" actually is. Of course it couldn't just have been one person, it had to all happen collectively! So anyway, it got me thinking--is this a good thing or a bad thing? Then one person gave me a really great reminder that everyone deals with things differently, and that this is my way of processing things. When I started this, that's what this "blog" was meant to be. (And I use the term "blog" very loosely because typically a blog is meant to serve as an update of day-to-day life for family and friends to check up on, and that was never my intention for this project.) When I started this, I noted that this would serve as my outlet for now, and that's what it has been and will continue to be until I don't feel the need to use this medium for that purpose any longer.

I have definitely received different responses to the whole thing. Some people think that I shouldn't post what they consider to be such "private" thoughts and feelings for everyone in the world to read lest I whore myself out to those who only wish to pity me for my situation. Others see it the way I do and just appreciate being able to check in on how I'm doing from day to day. Who knows, maybe there are other people who read this "blog" purely as a form of entertainment because it gives them something else to think about than their mundane normal lives.

Whatever the motive is that people find to read my "blog", I hope that they all understand that if there's something here that is offensive or that they don't agree with, they are welcome to stop reading it. Similarly, I hope that those who appreciate this project for what it is are welcome to continue to visit my site because, like I said, I use this format because it's easier for me to type something than it is to write it down, and if there are things that I don't want to be public, I won't post them here. (Not to say that I intend for the things that are posted here to be taken as me wanting them to be public, just that it's inevitable when you post anything on public domain.)

I know that when you and I were working on your blog you were often reluctant or hesitant to post certain things because you didn't want the attention that came with the news, and I feel like that sometimes but I try to remind myself that this is about you and me, and not about me and everyone else. Maybe once the babies come and there is more excitement with that people will have things other than depressing lamentations to read here, but for now, they get what they get.

I miss being understood by you. Without you there's no one that completely gets why I am the way I am, let alone anyone who loves me for it! That was one thing that was so great about you. You always understood who I was and what was important to me and you loved me for it every day that we were together. I love you for loving me so unconditionally that way.

I miss you tonight. I wish I could curl up into you and just lay with you on the couch. Relaxing and taking it easy by myself was never as effective as when you were there with me, True Story.

I love you unconditionally sweetheart.

Invalid

Sean,

I'm going crazy. Stir crazy. You know how I can't sit still. Ever. This weekend was another of cleaning (or wishing), homework, baby showers, and football. And I'm completely overwhelmed. I have a list of things to get done in the next 2 weeks (that's my timeframe--2 weeks, just in case), and there are people who want to help me with getting these things taken care of, and I have to let them. Otherwise I'll risk going into labor too soon, and I know that my pride and anxiousness are not valid excuses for jeopardizing the health of our daughters. But now that I've moved passed the part where I can't let people help me because I just want to do everything myself, I'm stuck in the part where it's killing me because things aren't being done the way that I would have done them. My mom has the dresser all arranged with clothes by sizes and purposes and what not, which sounds like something I would do, but it's not the way I wanted the dresser to be organized and I'm not even technically supposed to be in there, so how can I justify rearranging everything? Some of the baby clothes got dried with a dryer sheet which doesn't sound like a big deal except that it totally defeats the purpose of washing the clothes in baby-safe laundry detergent in terms of keeping off agents that will irritate their skin in their clothes. So, everything had to get washed again. And then, after I specifically asked to have the laundry left on the couch so that I could do something and fold it all up, I sat there and watched as my request was completely disregarded. It's like I'm invisible now. Everything has crossed the line from where I want things done a certain way, to not even being given the change to do the things that I can do. And it is a big deal because I want to have had a part in all of the preparations. I want to have said that I helped get things ready. I want to be a part in this stage of taking care of my own daughters, I can't get anyone to hear me. I'm an invalid trapped on the couch with everyone asking me how they can help and with absolutely no one actually listening to what I'm saying, "do the things that need to be done to get the house prepared for the babies to be here that I am physically not able to do myself, and let me do the things that I am able to do so that I can be a part of this". I wish you were here because you would understand why all of this is so important to me. You'd understand why I can't simply allow someone to come into our house and go through our personal belongings and clean according to their standards instead of mine. You'd understand why folding a simple load of laundry can keep me from feeling like a terrible mother. You'd understand why I want the dresser organized the way I do and you wouldn't question it or undermine me, even if it didn't make complete logical sense. You'd understand why it would be so completely frustrating to me to sit back and watch someone else attempt to do things to try to help me, and struggle with them, and for me to know that if I was doing it, I wouldn't have problems getting the job done. You'd defend me from people wanting to come in and do things their way thinking that it's helpful to me, and you'd protect me from missing out on important things. I need that understanding and that defense and protection and I haven't been able to find that without you.

When people ask me how they can help me, I think I'm going to have to start changing my answer to, "you can come and do the things that I can't do the way I want them done, or you can leave me alone". I have a significant increase in contractions and the level of discomfort that I experience because of them when I get stressed out, so you can imagine what sort of pain I'm in at the moment from all that has been going on this weekend.

I really really do miss you and I wish that you were here to save me like you always saved me. I'm not strong enough physically, mentally, or emotionally to save myself yet, and I feel like I'm drowning. And so I just sit here and pray, "come save me, come save me, come save me".

I love you very very much, and I love you more today for being the best friend and protector I've ever had than I ever have before.

Isopropyl Alcohol

Honey,

"You know you're a cancer patient or caregiver when:....

• your supply of isopropyl alcohol is not found in a bottle in your medicine cabinet but rather in the form of many many alcohol pads"

Sad huh? That's us for sure. I got the glass top for the dresser that I ordered last week today and I was attaching some hooks to the glass and the instructions said to clean the surface with the alcohol so I busted out some alcohol swabs and got the job done. But, as I was using the swabs, the all-too familiar scent of the alcohol came rushing back to me, and I actually decided that it's one of my favorite smells in the world. It reminds me so much of you, and I know that's really twisted, but I had a good reaction to the scent as opposed to a bad so I figure....why not?

I just wanted to share this with you. I now know that I love the smell of isopropyl alcohol because it reminds me of you.

I miss you, sweetheart. And I love love love you.

Starting to Hit Me

Honey,

I ordered the Utes onesies for the girls to come home from the hospital in last and I got the call today that they were in. My dad went and picked them up at the store for me and when I saw them I had this moment like, "holy crap I'm about to have two babies" and not just that I was having babies but that they are my children. I'm not just going to be babysitting for the Hurley's or Kriech's....these are our daughters. It was this mind-blowing, breathtaking, core-shocking realization. And of course it's not like I haven't realized that this is happening before, but it's getting so close to when they're going to be here that the feeling of how real this is is starting to set in.

I'm ready though. I've been waiting my whole life to be a mom and I've been ready for this for a really long time. I'm ready in the sense of being prepared with most of the things that I'll need in order to get through the day with twins too. The nursery is done and the cribs are set up. I'm just waiting on a few things to get set in place but for the most part everything is prepared.

The only thing I'm not ready for is to do this without you. I'm not saying I'm doing this alone, I'm saying I'm doing this without you. You're my husband and their father and you're not here to be with us. I've known that this was how it was going to be for a few months now but I am still not anymore used to the idea as I was the day after you died. I don't know how I'm going to do this without you and no amount of registry items, wall paint, or years of wanting to be a mother could have possibly prepared me for going through this without you right by my side. I'm heartbroken for myself, and for Sophie and Olivia, and also for you that you never got to experience what our family is about to become. We had so many wishes and ideas for how we were going to raise our family together, and you never even got to know what we were having let alone be able to hold the girls. I really really don't know how I'm going to do this without you, and I would give anything and everything to have you here with me.

I miss you so much every day and especially during moments like my realization I had this afternoon. But you're still here somehow, in so many ways you're still a part of all of our lives. Like how we planned to bring the girls home in the Utes onesies--I'm still planning on doing that and I know you would have enjoyed it as much as I do. It's really something I love most about you.

I love you so much and I am excited and heartbroken all at the same time over what is about to happen. I just wish you were here to be with us, with me. I love you sweetheart.

3 More Memories

Honey,

It's me again, your downer wife. I thought tonight instead of being miserable I'd try and remember some of the good about us and about you again...not that it's hard to do. So, here are my 3 things that I remembered tonight:

1. The Shanahan: In the spirit of the NFL season starting this week and Shanahan coaching his first game with the Redskins, I'll name this memory. You and I were watching the Broncos/Raiders game and it was the last play of the game and Janikowski was up for a field goal to win it and Shanahan called his time out right before the snap. The kick was good and I cringed because I thought the Raiders had just won the game and you were celebrating and rubbing it in my face. Then of course it came to light what really happened and the second attempt was missed and you couldn't believe it! And every time that tactic was used from that point on you couldn't go without bellyaching about the original. Classic.

2. I love the memory of when you and I were living in Indianapolis and we were coming home from my cousin's wedding in St. Louis and your stomach had busted open with that festering puss cavern....so gross. I remember when we went into the ER to have them check it out and the only way we could describe the wound to people was that you had a hole in your stomach, and no one could quite figure out what that meant. So we were in the triage room waiting for your nurse to come in and check you out. I made it a point to watch their faces as they pulled up your gown to see your wound. Their expressions were priceless--I've never seen people's eyes so close to bulging out of their heads!

3. I also love the memories of us staying up super late at night watching The Office and Grey's Anatomy at your apartment. And then sometimes we'd get into all these deep religious conversations with Trevor. Those nights were my favorite.

So anyway I hope you liked these things as much as I did and that you weren't too upset about the Shanahan thing.

I love you still every day, and I miss you something awful.

My Comforter

Sean,

So, everyone has a safety place right? Like, a place where they go when they feel scared or intimidated or just need to feel at peace. My place was with my face buried in your chest with your arms all around me. I really miss being able to go to my place because without you here I feel so exposed. I feel like my life is an open book, my fears are out there for everyone to see, and I have no place to run to for comfort like I did when you were here with me. You made everything completely better just by wrapping your arms around me. How silly is it that a grown woman who is about to be a mother of 2 can't find another place to go to for comfort? And I need it so badly right now, I need to be comforted. And nothing helps-people's visits, well-wishes, help with meals or cleaning-none of it brings me any peace, and in truth it actually adds to my turmoil. I hate people doing things for me and I hate being pitied even more. I'm not asking for people to feel sorry for me, and I don't want their sympathy. I just want my husband back. Here I am again, sounding ungrateful, and I'm really truly not. But I am allowed to have an opinion on all of this and to have feelings about everything, and this is just the way I feel. I appreciate everyone's concern but I wish that they'd all just go away and leave me alone in peace, or at least alone to work out finding peace on my own.

I miss you as my husband and I miss you as my comforter. You never even had to say anything although you did always know what the right thing to say to me was. What we had is irreplaceable and I mourn the loss of that right along with the loss of you. I miss having my fears subside because of one look from you, one touch from you, one kiss from you. I miss you.

I could use your chest and arms right about now. I miss you and I love you terribly.

Still Asking Why

Sean,

I still find myself asking "why" all the time. I can't get passed it. No matter how hard I try to rationalize your death or this situation or figure out what the hell I'm supposed to do next--I can't get passed this question. I need to know why it was you who had to die. I need to know why the doctors couldn't cure you. I need to know why after everything else that God put me through in my life he felt the need to rob me of my soul mate and true love. Why couldn't you and I have been like everyone else and had a normal life together? Why couldn't we have had our daughters together and raised them together and grown old together? Why did you die the way you did--so traumatically and suddenly? Why did you have to die from one of the most curable forms of cancer? Why didn't we catch it sooner? Why didn't I spend absolutely every waking moment I had with you instead of wasting time at work or on photo shoots or shopping? Why am I already starting to forget things? Why does it get harder everyday to be without you instead of easier? Why is this really real?

Asking why is exhausting, to say the least. And there are so many other "why" questions that I can't seem to find the answers to. Sometimes I envy you. You're in a place now where there is no more "why" and all of your questions have been answered. But truthfully, if I had the answers to these questions and had clarity about all of it, would I really be okay? No, I don't think so. But maybe it would be a start?

I love you so much and I miss you so much and I try not to drive myself crazy with these questions. But, the longer they go unanswered, the more I find that the less answers I actually have, the more questions I find to ask, and the more it all eats away at me. Day by day by day. I want you to come back to me. I'm still not ready to give you up. I didn't sign up for this. I agreed to live a life with you, not to live a life without you.

I miss you, I love you, I miss you, I love you, I miss you. I love you.

Somewhere Between Here and There

Honey,

I was looking around the house today and realized that I'm stuck halfway between the past and the future. There are some reminders of the present but mostly there are reminders of the past and windows into the future. The whiteboard calendar on the refrigerator is still written up for May, but I have posted this season's Utes football schedule with a magnet up next to it. The coffee table is littered with mail and my textbooks for this semester, but the bottom shelf still has all of your medications right where you left them. Inside the fridge I find the orange juice that my dad bought for me yesterday, but there's also a bottle of ginger ale that was yours that's only half used. In the hallway is the framed Utes shirt that Eric Weddle signed for us, and it's sitting in the hallway because I took it off the wall when I painted the nursery for the girls. And don't even get me started on the bedroom. The humidifier that you went out and bought for me in the middle of the night (literally, it was like 2 am when you went to Wal-Mart to get me that thing) while I was sick with a terrible cold during my first trimester is still sitting all set up on my nightstand, but the closet is now filled with boxes and filing cabinets and other things in storage that had to be moved out of the nursery as well.

It's like I'm living in some sort of twisted time capsule and with one turn I'll be faced with the imminent future of our daughters being born soon, and with the next step I'll be blown back off my feet into the past, back to when you were with me. I think I keep a hold on my sanity by finding the things around the house that hold me to the present, like my textbooks and current bottle of orange juice in the fridge, but it's a very weak hold even at that. I'm truly stuck somewhere between here and there.

And again, like everything else that is so messed up in life right now, you are in none of these places with me. You exist only in memory when I run into the past, and you exist only in thought when I run into the future. And you exist only within me when I am living in the present, but I can't feel you the way I want to or should be able to. I still have to remind myself everyday that you're gone and that you're not coming back, and that reality hits me on its own sometimes without me making a conscious effort to hit myself. It's exhausting living in 3 places at once. It's painful to be in the past without you, it's unbearable to be in the present without you, and it's terrifying to look into the future without you. I'm in a spinning vortex between all of these places, past, present, and future, and there's no end in sight.

I wish you could come rescue me from this maze the way you rescued me so many times before. You saved me from the world, from myself, and from everything else in between. You kept me safe, and now without you I'm free falling. I love you for saving me just like I love you for everything else you were for me and did for me. I love you for just having been you for me. Of course I miss you, sweetheart, but definitely I love you. I wish that somehow in all of this spinning and twisting and turning between the here and there, I'd twist and turn and spin myself right back into your solid, warm, strong arms.

I love you Sean. I love you honey. I love you sweetheart.

Football Update

Honey,

The college football season has officially started but the NFL hasn't quite yet. It starts this week though and the one thing I'm looking forward to in terms of being on bed rest is being able to watch all of the early game (which the Broncos frequently have) instead of having to miss half of it because church ran late again.

The Utes beat Pittsburgh in OT last Thursday which was good. Pitt was ranked 15th, I think that was the AP poll. Tonight Boise State beat VA Tech with a win they pulled out of their butts in the last 2 minutes of the 4th quarter, and BSU is ranked 3rd, which I find utterly ridiculous and absurd. How many times have I heard commentators and sports analysts talk about how Utah's strength of schedule has held them back in the past in terms of being real contenders for the BCS title game and BSU is ranked 3rd with only Oregon State left to play as a real/worthy opponent for the entire season? You're kidding me right?

Roethlisberger didn't get voted in by the team as a captain this season because he's been a complete idiot off the field in his personal behavior this off season (you were actually alive at that point when all of this was going on), and his suspension from the commissioner got cut to 4 games. What a break for him.

Favre says he's going to come back with a vengence and (of course he is still playing this season.....ridiculous) make up for his serious blunder against the Saints during the post-season last year....we'll see.

And BYU proved themselves the ultimate idiots and have officially announced they are going independent in football and will join the West Coast Conference for everything else. I guess they couldn't bear to be left behind in the MWC in Utah's giant shadow. Poor BSU though, now all they have is TCU in their conference which now with Utah and BYU leaving isn't going to be much better next year than the WAC is this year. (Side note: Max Hall got picked up by the Cardinals who dropped Leinart who was picked up by the Texans--I can't even comment on this....)

Oakland plays in Tennessee for their opening game this season....good luck with that. Also, I was at your grave today and your little Raiders helmet guy that your mom put on your grave is gone. I don't know what happened to it, but I promise you I didn't move it--although I would have maybe liked to. Ha. My broncos are playing Jacksonville in Jacksonville. I don't remember them being all that great last year, but with what our awful coach has done to this team in the last year, I'm not sure I even have hope at all for this season. It hurts me that the likes of Champ Bailey and Evlis Dummerville have to play with the garbage that Josh McDaniels has brought to our team this year. He's the new Al Davis for sure, although he's still trying to be Bill Belichick.

*Sigh* I love you honey, and football makes me miss you and not all at the same time. I will definitely give it a chance this season and we'll see if I can make it through without you. I'll see if I can manage. I miss you a lot a lot, and I love you very very very much.

Go Utes.

Pictures

Honey,

I had a baby shower today for the girls and it was given to me by Melanie and your Aunt Diane. They were really sweet and even relocated the whole thing to my parents house in Murray from Diane's house in Lehi because my doctor put me on bed rest and I'm not supposed to even leave the house. I did okay today because I had always expected to go through this event without you there since I hadn't planned on having men at the shower, but what was hard about it, and about some other days that I've had as well, was people taking pictures of me.

I've never liked having my picture taken, even when I was little. I've always hated the way I look in pictures, and always preferred being behind the camera rather than in front of it. And even though I haven't gained a whole lot of pregnancy weight (only around 20 lbs), I still feel big and fat and gross so it's hard for me to be okay with having my picture taken for that reason. But, like that reason isn't enough as it is, the biggest thing that bothers me about having my picture taken now is that I don't want to remember myself during this time without you being here. Every time I go back and look at pictures of me pregnant I'm going to remember how you weren't here. I'm going to see myself with my giant belly full of our daughters and remember how they lost their father much too soon. Every time I see a picture of me right now, I'll remember the feelings that I have each day about how hard it is to even wake up and get up out of bed and try to live another day instead of just giving up and completely letting myself go. If it wasn't for our daughters, I think I'd lay down on a blanket at the cemetery next to your grave, stop eating and drinking, and just lay there for the rest of my (inevitably short) life.

I don't want pictures taken of me right now because I don't want to have this time in my life captured for me to forever remember. It's haunting, and my hope is that I will someday be healed from the ghost of you and of us together. I love the pictures that you and I had together during our life together, but without you here, I don't want any taken of me because I will always remember this time in my life on my own anyway, and I don't need the pregnant pictures of me, standing there fat and alone, widowed without a husband, staring me back in the face reminding me that you weren't here and I had to do this alone.

So now that today happened and the shower happened, there are pictures of me, pregnant with our daughters who have lost their father, me surrounded by people who love me but still feel sorry for me because I've lost you, me alone with out you. And any time I see these pictures, I'll be reminded of these awful feelings and thoughts that I experience on a daily basis and a part of me will die each time. I'm sad that these pictures exist, and I know that maybe someday I'd look back and wish I had at least one picture of me pregnant just for the sake of remembering that experience, but I think the pain of the overwhelmingly consuming feelings of lamentations that I have because you're not here will always overpower the sense of pride I feel in carrying our daughters.

Like always, I love you very very much today, and I've thought about you constantly. I miss you terribly, and it always hurts something awful. And as far as taking pictures go, I'd give anything to have another, just a snapshot, of me and you together, standing next to each other and smiling because we were happy. Forced smiles never go unnoticed.

I love you, sweetheart, and I hope you don't hold it against me that for now, I'm going to do my best to try and stay behind the camera rather than in front of it.

Stressed

Honey,

I'm trying to stay calm but you know how I get. There is a lot I'd like to get done in the next little while before the babies are here, and that time just grows shorter and shorter each day. You know how I'm always needing to be busy and to be working on something and getting something accomplished, and it's killing me that I have to lay here in a bed all day and that I can only think about what needs to get done instead of actually being able to do it. It's stressful for me to think about how messy the house is and how cluttered the trunk of the car is and how I don't want anyone to help me deal with that stuff becuase I just want to do it on my own.

And then I think, it's too soon for these babies to be born! And really what I'm most concerned about is having them be shipped off to the NICU where I'll have limited access to them, and I won't be allowed to touch them or breastfeed them, and I have serious serious objections to our daughters starting off their life in that way--it's the most inhumane thing I can think of. And I'm not saying that these things are actually going to happen if the babies come soon, but it's what I'm afraid of and stressed out about.

I wish you were here with me. I've thought a lot about the things you'd say to me if you were here with me, and I miss how supportive you were and how loving and caring you always were to me. I need that from you so much right now, it's so hard to do this without you. I just hope that you're here with me still, in whatever way that would be possible. I don't feel you but I do believe that if you could be here with me you would be, and that gives me a slight sense of comfort. I have support from our families here and all, but nothing that can come close to replacing your being here. I just really miss you.

I'll try to calm myself for your sake and for the girls' sakes because I know that's what you'd be saying to me now. I love you very much, and your girls will be here soon to love you too, and we'll all miss you together.

3 Months

Sean,

Yesterday was the 3 month mark. It comes by so quickly and yet so slowly at the same time. I know there's a lot going on to keep me occupied right now but it doesn't mean I don't keep track of how long it has been since I was happy.

People think that since I'm having these girls that I'm supposed to just be automatically happy with that prospect and that I'm supposed to lean on that as my source of joy in life. And while that's a nice point to make, I can't admit to feeling that way all the time. Sometimes I'm actually unhappy that I'm pregnant and having twins and I'd wish that I wasn't in this situation with them. Sometimes I think it would be easier if it had just been you and me, and then just me. That way I'd be able to work through all of this at a pace that was good and all whole and healing just for me, but now I have to consider trying to be at that point since the babies are almost here and I don't want them to have some psychologically damaged mother.

Is that a horrible thing to say--that sometimes being pregnant and knowing I'm having these babies doesn't bring me one ounce of happiness? If it is, I guess I'm sorry, but it really is how I feel sometimes. And another thing, I'm getting really sick and tired of all the "stay positive" crap that people are so quick to suggest to me. Do people thing I want to be this way? Do people think that I want to sulk in my awful life and spend my days feeling sorry for myself? I don't think that's what I'm doing. I think I have a pretty good argument to the contrary as a matter of fact. Pretty sure that if I wanted to I could spend all day sitting around moping and feeling sorry for myself but I choose to go on with life and get through another day, one day at a time, for the overall sake and benefit of what is now left of our family.

I guess I have some underlying anger issues this evening, but what can you do. Stress takes a toll on me, yeah okay of course, but the next person to tell me that everything's going to be okay and to "hang in there" is going to get their face hit. If they were in my shoes, they wouldn't want to hear it either. But, just like I discovered when people find out you're getting married or are pregnant, people will always give you their opinions whether you ask for them or not, and you have to take everything with a grain of salt because more often than not, they don't even know what their talking about and they're just regurgitating what they interpret to be helpful and constructive support.

So back to my point of it being 3 months since you died---I think that 3 months is still an incredibly short period of time in relation to dealing with everything I have on my plate, and I don't feel sorry about the fact that I'm still not okay with everything and that I refuse to take people's "advice" and turn to the birth of these babies as my alternate source of happiness in life--at least for the moment. I'll be happy about the hand God has dealt me when I'm good and ready to be, and not a moment earlier. And I think you already knew that about me.

Anyway, I love you very much and I miss you and I wish you were here to talk me down out of this state of irritated annoyance. You were always good for my blood pressure.

Closer Than We Thought

Honey,

It's almost time--you're almost a daddy. Your girls do not want to stay put. They're perfectly healthy and growing just fine right where they are but my stupid body wants to be done with my pregnancy, so here I am in the hopsital again with pre-term labor symptoms and not a clear end in sight.

I'm on bedrest now, and you know how much I hate that. What do I do when things are going on and things need to be taken care of? I take care of things, and being told that I can't do that is beyond frustrating.

My contractions hurt sometimes, as do the other.......checks.....that they have to do on me, and I have no one's hand to sqeeze. I squeeze the handle bars on the bed frame, and would give anything anything anything in the world to be squeezing your hand. The nights are terribly lonely, especially since I lay in a bed that I last layed in with you as you left me and went to Heaven. I can't help it, all of these rooms look the same, and you're written all over this hospital. The gowns still smell like you, the bed is still cold on your side since we aren't snuggling together next to each other for warmth. The IV's, and medications, and doctors consultations, and ultrasounds, and monitors all remind me of you because you went through all of it and so much more. I can't remove a bandaid without complaining and you never complained once. I try to remember that as I go through this--I remember what you went through, and I appreciate what I am going through. But I'd give anything to go through it with you.

So far the nurses haven't bothered me about, "so is your Husband on his way?" "is there a father in the picture" "do you have a significant other"? And this I really appreciate. It's not that I don't want to be reminded of you, it's that I'm already thinking about you constantly and it hurts SO much, it would be like pouring lemon juice on my one million papercuts. I know you'd be proud of me, and I wish you were here so I could tell you that I'm proud of you too.

I had to drop nearly my entire semester. I am managing to take 2 online courses for pre-requisites through SLCC and will still be able to live off of student loans, but I have had to apply for medicaid, and financial assistance. My plan A quickly turned into plan Q and you'd tell me that it's for the best, and you'd be right, but that doesn't mean I need to like it, and you always understood and respected that about me. Oh, I love you so much.

So how I'm doing all I can (meaning staying in bed and taking my meds when they bring them to me) to keep the babies in for a little while longer, but I'm afraid they're coming soon and then it will all be happening. I love you with all of my heart and soul and all of the life in me. I miss you the same and hope that you're here with me or watching over us in some way so that I can reassure myself I'm not really alone. Alone = without you, and I am all alone in a very permanent way.

At least the pain from my contractions will not amount to the pain I feel in being without you every day--it will be something like a nice break actually. But for them, at least I know that with each one, I am one moment closer to meeting our daughters, and to spending the rest of my life showing them how to make it in this crazy world. They will love you like you loved them, I'll make sure of it.

For now, I love you though, and I miss you, and I love our girls and our family that is soon to become more than just myself again. I love you sweet hubby of mine. I alway love you.

My Best 3 Birthdays

Sean,

So, tomorrow is my birthday, and I really don't want to acknowledge it this year. The only benefit I can see is that I'm 1 year closer to being back with you. I think back on the last few years for the birthdays that you were there for, and I remember the first: you gave me a DVD of the Disney Sword in the Stone movie and a Ute's football helmet car-freshener. It was a great birthday. You came over, met my family, we all watched the Ute's season opener and had Cafe Rio. What a perfect way to spend the day with you (turns out you and I had many days of watching football and hanging around the house with each other, and they were truly some of my all-time favorites).

The year after that was the birthday I had 10 days after we were married, so it was special to me then (not to mention it was my 21st). It was sort of bittersweet because you had been in the hospital from your first RPLND and I think we ended up celebrating my birthday in the hospital (again with a Utes game on TV). I remember I was getting my name changed and my drivers license renewed all around that time, and it was a special birthday for me because it was my first birthday as Karen Martella, and as your wife.

The year after that you were just getting out of the hospital from the complications you had from your second RPLND surgery. You were getting over your blood clot, kidney failure, and bowel obstruction. I don't think we celebrated my birthday much that year, but I didn't mind, because I spent the day with you. If I had known that it was going to be the last birthday that I shared with you, I would have made sure it was more memorable, but in retrospect I would have done that with every single day that you and I were together. So even though I didn't know it would be our last together, I still treasure what it was.

This year....you're not with me, and I'm still Karen Martella, and I'm still your wife. I'm just missing my husband, that's all. My second half is gone, and somehow I still manage to turn 1 year older. (I just want to say that I always knew I'd have kids by the time I was 23...and for that matter I always had a feeling I'd have twins someday.) I just want you to know that none of my birthdays will ever be the same now that you're gone. Each year it will feel like half of me is missing....I'm just suck here left over with the half that seems to age instead of the half that is happy about everything. Maybe my aging half can learn to be happy again someday, but I'll always have half of what I did at each of my last birthdays, starting with this one tomorrow, and my heart aches for that loss. I miss you so much, and if I could wish you back by blowing out candles on a cake, I'd make that wish every year for the rest of my life until it came true.

So, tomorrow is another year down. I started that year with you but didn't get to finish it. This time I'll start it without you and that's how all the rest of them will be. I hate that-more than I hate natural sunlight in the house, more than I hate BYU, more than I hate the U's financial aid office, and even more than I hate spiders.

The only thing I want for my birthday, this year, and all of the rest from here on out, is to have my husband and best friend back. So while it doesn't seem like I'll get that present anytime soon, I'll keep making that wish on all of my candles on all of my birthday cakes.

I love you sweetheart, and I miss you very much. Thanks for the 3 amazing birthdays I got to spend with you, and for making them so special for me just by being there with me throughout the day.

Random

Hi Honey,

Been thinking about you a lot today. I really love you. I really miss you. Sometimes I wonder how you're doing, and then I think, "is that even a valid question in this case?". Not sure how to answer that. I was tired today since I didn't sleep a lot last night. People are worried about me having been in the hospital, but the truth is that even when I was there and they weren't sure yet if the tests would show that I would be having the babies that night or not, I wasn't even concerned about it. I wasn't worried. I mean, what do people have babies in hospitals for anyway? I was in the right place, my OB was on call so she would have delivered the girls, and at home I'm ready for the girls to be here, more or less (although they'd been in the hospital for a while anyway giving me time to get their crib beds made up and clothes washed and stuff like that). But I wasn't worried that anything would happen to them, or to me. The only thing I was dreading was you not being there with me, and that's a fact and reality that I have to face every day, not just days that I might possibly be in labor. The prospect of having these babies without you there is harder to face than some others (i.e. I am able to get dressed in the morning without you there), but everything (including my morning routine) is significantly more difficult since you've been gone than it was while you were here, and it's because I know on a conscious and subconscious level that doing all of this without you is just wrong. It shouldn't be this way, it shouldn't happen like that. There is a method to everything and my method has been seriously and permanently interrupted, and I'm still trying every day to find how to balance everything out.

Anyway, there's not really a point to this tonight, it's just more me saying what's on my mind. I do love you so much though. You're my whole world still. I miss you and I can't wait to be with you again, but at least I can take comfort in knowing that the best part of me, the part that belongs to you, is in Heaven now.

I love you I love you I love you

P.S. I have had a lot of swelling in my feet today, and I totally have cankles.....it's disgusting, just thought you'd get a kick out of that.

In The Hospital

Honey,

I saw my doctor today and she told me that if I had more than 6 contractions in an hour I needed to come to labor and delivery and get checked out. So tonight, between about 6:30 and 7:30, I was having contractions more often during that hour than not, so I figured I'd better do what I'd tell you to do if it were something to do with you, and I went in.

Turns out I'm like 99% effaced and dialated to 1.5 cm at this point, which isn't that much (except for the thinning being nearly all the way) but it's still too early for the babies to come, so when I came in they gave me some medicine to help stop the contractions, which were putting my body into early labor. This happens a lot though, and I've heard about it a lot from people, so I'm not worried about it. They did a test to see if I had a specific enzyme present and they said that if it's not present it means that you won't deliver in the next 2 weeks. I did not have the enzyme present which is good. Sophie's head is super low and so that's uncomfortable, but neither of them should be here within the next couple of weeks at least so they'll have some more time to grow right where they are. And that's good because I really don't want them to have to spend the first month or more of their lives in the hospital. I'm not liking being here for sure.

They're going to keep me overnight with this ridiculous monitor on my belly to watch the babies heart-rates and make sure that they're doing okay. They're also measuring the contractions I'm having with the monitor and the nurse told me a minute a go that they're still about 3 minutes apart and they're pretty regular. Not really sure what that means either here or there, but it's something I guess. So, now it starts. Me doing this without you. I guess I've been doing it already but now it's getting more real.

The first thing was when we were driving here, and I thought, I wish Sean were the one taking me in to get checked. You were always so concerned about me when I had so much as a headache, I really miss you tonight because I know how you'd be watching out for me. Then when we got here they had me put on a hospital gown. I went into the bathroom to put it on, and it smelled like how I remember you when you were in the hospital. I'm not surprised because I'm at the same hospital you were always at in a gown that you may have even worn yourself at some point. But, they say that smell is the strongest sense tied to memory, and at that moment I could see, hear, and feel you all in an instant. It was overpowering. Then there was the bed that I had to climb into, and the last time I did that was to be with you while you died. But I also thought about all the times I spent laying with you in the beds watching football and basketball games, watching movies, or just talking with you. I'd give anything for you to be lying in my hospital bed right now.

They've done some pretty uncomfortable things to me while I've been here including giving me a catheter (to check for a bladder infection, which was negative), and checking my cervix, which is how they measure how far dilated and effaced you are, and that part has by far been the most painful/uncomfortable thing I have been through tonight. I didn't have anyone's hand to hold onto during that, and after it was over, I hated the fact that you hadn't just been there with me, and that you won't be there through what's coming in the near future.

I try to stay positive and say, at least the babies will be here soon and then I'll have a bit of you back with me to hold onto, but in reality, I cannot and will not use my daughters for the purpose of feeling like I'm connected with you again becuase I don't want to rob my experience and relationship with them of anything that is truly there. I will never touch you again, and it doesn't matter that Sophie and Olivia are your flesh and blood. They are not you, and I won't treat them like they're my tools to be close to you.

Come back to me, honey. I want you here. I need you here. I've never needed you more than I do right now, and you're not here for me. I don't mean that in a bitter or resentful way, I'm just trying to stay real here. The balance between being depressingly down all the time and being a blissfully ignorant idiot is being realistic, and I'm trying to stay on that level instead of falling beneath. I do love you though. More today than I did yesterday or the day before. And before this is all over I'll miss you even more than I do right now, which doesn't even seem possible.

I hope wherever you are up there right now you can see me and see the girls and that you're going through this with us. I know you would be if you could. I miss you and I love you very, very, very much.

Getting Closer

Sean,

I'm at 29 weeks in my pregnancy now (that's the 3rd trimester) and am considering myself in the "danger zone" at this point. That means that I'm at risk now for having the babies spontaneously at any point between now and 38 weeks when they would induce me, and I'd really prefer them to stay where they are until I'm at least 36 weeks so that they have a change to develop completely. I don't want them to have to stay in the hospital very long (like any longer than I'm in there for), but I'll still be on the lookout for signs of distress so that if I need to, I can get myself to a hospital ASAP. I can't believe it's getting so close. And I can't believe that you're not here with me. It's so hard without you here honey. I never thought you wouldn't be here for this part of my life, of our life, and of our babies lives. Doing this without you just seems wrong.

Today was one of those slap-in-the-face kind of days. And the slap came at about 8:30 am this morning too! That's too early. I sat down in class today and the girl next to me asked when I was due, so we started talking about the pregnancy and the twins and then she asked if my husband was in school too or if he'd have more time to help out at home with them. I hate it when people catch me off guard like this--and she totally did. I wasn't prepared to tell a total stranger that I'm a widow and that my husband is dead, and so I froze, probably for too long to the point where she noticed an awkward moment of silence, and then all I could answer was, "he used to be". Ugh, I hate it. I'm okay talking about what happened with you when I'm expecting to or with someone I know, but when out of nowhere I get asked about what my husband is up to, it just throws me a huge curve ball and it is really difficult for me to process that information and deal with giving an answer. So far I haven't been able to do it. I'll just freeze up like I did today and spout out some answer that is true, but not the whole truth.

So I'll have to figure out how to deal with that while I try to figure out how to deal with everything else at the same time. The babies move a lot, which is a good sign that they're very healthy, just thought you should know. I know they'd move around more if they could hear their daddy's voice talking to them or if they could feel your hand on my belly. I think they miss you too.

I miss you. That's for sure. Everyday is still so hard. It's always an uphill battle. I suppose I'll just get in shape from all of this.

I love you so so much.

Faux-Hawks and Sex Offenders

Honey,

Today I'm sort of writing this post as the day goes along. There are just a couple of things that I wanted to tell you, and I didn't want to forget what they were.

First of all, there is a guy in my first class of the day (Anatomy) who had a popped colalr and a faux-hawk. Enough said.

Secondly, I saw that sex offender again!! He was walking down Carlisle....probably on his way to the post office again or something. Isn't it weird that when we looked him up, we saw him like an hour later?

So here I am continuing this post from earlier this afternoon:

I did a bit of chemistry while I was sitting at your grave tonight. I still blame you for me having to take this class now, just so you know.

Turns out that's really all that happened today that is worth mentioning. Oh, but one other thing I would have loved to have you here to see: My dad's mom from Chinatown is moving in with us...and she's here now for a stay for a while. It's been interesting so far for sure, but I know you used to get a kick out of her, so I thought you'd appreciate knowing that as well.

I love you sweetheart. I miss you.

First Day of School

Honey,

Today was one of those, "my husband is dead" days. I had to keep telling myself over and over that you wouldn't be at home for me to talk to after I got back from classes and that you weren't at school either and that you wouldn't be walking through the door to tell me how your day was. I wished you were here all day though. I wanted to tell you how my day went. It was kind of ridiculous actually but nothing too terrible happened, but I miss just being able to tell you simple things like how my day was or what is stressing me out. I've decided that this is one of the loneliest parts about losing a companion--I have no one left to talk to the way you and I talked. Sure people ask how my day was and I can talk about it just fine in a matter-of-fact type of sense, but it doesn't mean much. It actually doesn't mean anything.

I thought I had set my alarm to wake up early enough to give me plenty of time to get ready and get to campus this morning, but apparently I didn't leave as much time for myself as I thought because I arrived just as the class was starting. The thing was, that I walked into the auditorium, and I thought it would be larger actually, for that class at least, and all of the seats were filled and there were all these people standing against the walls, sitting on the floor in the aisles, and spread out everywhere. So....I found a spot in the back where there was a space for a wheelchair to go--you know, just like they had taken a seat out of the row or something--and sat down on the ground (meaning concrete floor). All these people kept looking at me (because I'm definitely pregnant-looking) and NO one offered me their seat. I didn't really expect anyone to, but the fact that no one did is rather nauseating. But, I always knew that you were one of a dying breed--chivalrous gentlemen.

The classes that I had for the rest of the day went fine, but I just can't believe I'm back in school. Doing all of this again. Again. Ugh. I really truly do hate that this is my life. I have to go to school and do all these new things that, yeah, I want to do for me and for the girls, blah blah blah, but you're not a part of it the way I need you to be, and that's really really hard for me to deal with. I can't do everything by myself, and school is something that not a lot of people can help me with in very many ways.

I just miss you and being able to come home and talk to you, and being able to come home and NOT talk about school or whatever, and just have you take my mind off of everything. It's hard here without you. I miss you.

I'm sure school will be a good distraction for me, but I hope it's not too distracting at the same time. Eh, well I'm sure I'll see what happens. I love you, honey, and I wish you were here to be here for me. I love you very much Sweetheart.

2 Years Together

Dear Sean,

Yesterday was our 2 year anniversary. I remember our wedding day so well. It was so perfect, and you made it so special for me. Whenever there is a wedding, everyone focuses on the bride and how she looks and what she put together, but for me, I remember you. I remember how you looked when I was walking down the aisle to become your wife. I remember the expression on your face when you saw me coming. I remember what your hair looked like and what you were wearing I remember how tall you seemed when I stood next to you. I remember the feel of our hands holding each other as we stood and said our vows, and I remember what it was like to place your wedding band on your finger and know that you were mine forever. I remember the way you looked at me all evening--when we were eating together, saying hello to all of our guests, dancing, and driving off into the night. You had this look on your face like everything in your life at that moment was perfect and that nothing was more important to you than for us to just be there with each other.

God, I miss that look. I thought about that look all day yesterday. It haunted me. I thought about the way you always stayed near me and kept a hand on me or an arm around me so that I would never get too far away from you. But it wasn't in an obsessive, possessive type of way, it was very loving, and concerned. It was like, if you let me go, I'd disappear and you'd never be able to touch me again. That's how I felt letting you go at the hospital when you died. I didn't want to let go of you, because I knew that you were gone, and I'd never touch You again.

I remembered you all day yesterday, but mostly I remembered us together. There were several parts that made up what you and I were together, and some of that was you and I individually, but yesterday it was about our life together. And our life together truly did start long before we were married, even before we knew where it would lead. I always loved you for never doubting me or doubting us and for always giving everything you had into our relationship and marriage together. That was always you: 100%, right from the beginning. You made it so easy to love you, and yesterday I spent the day remembering how you made me feel on our wedding day, and I could remember the feeling of your love and how it would always come over me.

So we would have been married for 2 years yesterday, and that seems somewhat ridiculous to me, only in that I cannot believe it was only such a short time. It felt like so many more years than that, in a very very good way, and for the reality of the actual amount of time that we had together to set in--it's very depressing. We shared so much with each other over that period of time, it was like I had known you my whole life. We spent nearly 2 years finishing each other's sentences, reading each other's expressions, finding ourselves in each other while losing ourselves in each other at the same time, and learning that love isn't just a feeling, but that it's a choice that we made together every day, no matter how easy it was to choose to love you (and you made it very easy).

I truly loved every moment during the past 2 years (and further than that) that I had with you. I found a whole new person in myself every day that I was with you, and it was someone that I've grown into, and someone who is better, older, and wiser than who I was when you married me. You were so good for me, to me, with me. I will always love you for that. I still make that choice every day, to love you the way you always loved me, and I'll make that choice for the rest of my life. You are my husband. There is no one else who can claim that spot--not in the past, present, or future. And these 2 years that have passed us by are only the beginning of many many years (sometimes I fear) of our legacy. It's not over yet, even though you're gone. I'll be with you again someday, and it will be like you never left my side.

I know our anniversary yesterday would have been a happy one. And I hope that the day that I had remembering us together, and remembering you was good with you in the way it was good with me. There is so much I wish I could say to you, and in a lot of ways I have said it, and in some I still will. But let me just say now that I love you and that's all I need today to get me through to the end of today.

I love you, I love you, I love you.

Happy Anniversary, Sweetheart

We Were Here

Sweetheart,

Part of me feels like I'm further away from you, and part of me feels like this is the closest I've been to you since you left. I know you in this place like I know you everywhere else, and I can tell we've been here. It's like our fingerprints together are all over everything, and I can still sense them. It's hard without you all the time, no matter where I am. This week isn't over, so we'll see what else I can get through/put myself through. I hope it's all for the better, but it could take me steps backward. This part was all for you, for us. Watch over me, and you'll see how it turns out.

I love you so much, honey. I miss you here.

See What You Did

Honey,

I have wished so hard that you were here with me tonight. It's been one of those days where things don't quite work out like you need them to, and I'm stressed, and you know how that is. It's just school stuff and I wish you were here so I could tell you all about it. I miss having you to talk to. I keep a lot of things to myself these days, not because I want to be withdrawn, but because there's no one else but you who I could say things to or just be comfortable with. I just want you to know that I've missed you a lot tonight. A lot a lot.

And on a side note, I'm blaming me having to take chemistry this semester on you dying. I was at your grave tonight, and I had my chemistry books in the car so I took them with me when I got out and I was looking through them and wasn't excited at all (you can imagine). So I said, "Look whatchya did, you went and died and now I have to take chemistry!". So really it is your fault that I have to take such an awful subject because really if you were still alive, I wouldn't be going back to school now would I. So.....I hope you're happy. Ha.

So see what you did? You died and now I miss you and I have to take chemistry. This is truly a tragic and awful situation, and it's your fault (I guess just on the chemistry thing. I don't blame you for dying). So good job at that. I miss you, I love you, and I wish you were here to see me try to attempt this semester. It's not going to be a good thing, it's not going to be easy, but I'm doing what I have to do in order to get other things done. That's how it's always been. I'm a do-er. I get where I need to be when I need to be there. And I'll continue that.

Anyway, I love you very much my sweet sweet husband. I miss you terribly, and I think about you constantly. I wish I could just hear you tell me you love me again. I miss that a lot. That would make everything better and much much more bearable. Well, since you can't tell me, I'll tell you again: I love you.

More Memories

Honey,

Remember when I tried to pay the guy at the drive-thru window and hit my hand really hard on the glass because I had forgotten to roll down the window? Yeah, yeah, you finally had one on me...

How about how you could never manage to open a door on the first try....even when it had a sign posted that said "pull" or "push". This was truly always one of my very most favorite things about you. I think I could have fallen in love with you simply over this anecdote alone.

I remember being exhausted at night and you coming to bed with me and us getting so caught up in the "You Laugh, You Lose" thread on TXB that we'd both get so hyper, I couldn't get to sleep for an hour after that. I loved laying in bed with you, laughing at the same things as each other because we agreed that they were either hilarious or painfully stupid. It always meant a lot to me that we shared the same sense on both of those things.

I just think about you all the time, and I try to make sure I get the good stuff in there as well as how much I miss you. I love you so much honey. Thanks for so many amazing memories.


P.S. ESPN showed some clip about Gasol in scrubs in an OR looking over a patient about to have a surgery.....talk about a nightmare standing over you! Although, apparently he went to medical school in Spain... (And I'm still afraid his ugly face is going to crack the TV from the inside....) *Shudder*

Out Loud

Honey,

Do you know that sometimes I have to remind myself out loud that you are not here anymore? I still haven't gotten used to you not being here. Sometimes when I'm not consciously thinking about it, I still expect to see you sitting on the couch playing xbox when I walk through the front door. I have to remind myself out loud sometimes that when I get in the car to come home, I'm not coming home to you. Sometimes I have to remind myself and make an effort to remember while I'm laying in bed not to wait for you to come in and say goodnight. And when I say "sometimes", I mean more often than not.

I notice that you're not with me every Sunday when I'm at church and you're not sitting next to me. I notice that you're not with me every time I park in our spot and there's no one there to tell me not to park too close to the pillar so that the door won't hit it when it gets opened. I notice you're not with me whenever I go to the mail-room and open the door and check for spiders before I reach my hand inside. I notice you're not with me all the time, and all the time it's because I have to remind myself.

I hate having to remind myself of such a terrible thing. "Remember, Sean isn't here." "Remember, Sean isn't going to be home when you get there." "Remember, Sean isn't coming to bed because he's not here." I say these things to myself, out loud sometimes, because I still hope that you'll be there when I walk into a room or when I come home. Whenever I get a text, a little part of me hopes that it's from you, and of course it never is. And I have to remind myself, out loud sometimes, that I'll never see you when I walk into a room, come home, or get a text from you ever again.

I don't mean to sound depressing and to focus on what I don't have. But you're all I think about, and this is what I think about. I miss you, and I haven't stopped missing you, and I don't think I ever will. And when I miss you, and I remember that you're not coming back, there's very little left in the world for me to be happy about. And I refuse to pretend or put up a front for everyone else's sake. When they lose their husbands, they can come talk to me about how fast it takes them to be okay and non-depressing again.

I miss you every day, and I hate what that feels like. And I hate having to remind myself, out loud sometimes, that you're not coming back. I love you so much, and you're still my whole life. And even though I'm not sure whether or not I'll ever stop missing you, I know that I will never ever stop loving you, and that's just about the only thing that comforts me in any sort of way these days. I love you Sean. I love you, I love you, I love you.

Meteor Shower

Sean,

Tonight there was this meteor shower that we all went out into the backyard to try to get a glimpse of. I didn't actually end up seeing anything, but everyone else says they did, so maybe I just wasn't looking at the right spots in the sky. This experience to me wasn't that great because today has already been a not-so-great day in terms of dealing with you not being here. All I could think about while I was looking to see if I could spot one of these things shooting across the sky was that even though these meteors are so far away, way up in the earth's atmosphere, and totally out of reach, at least they are within sight. I can see them, and know they're there, even though they aren't tangible. But with you, it's not like that. You're further away than the meteors are. I can't see you fly across the sky, or know that you're caught in the atmosphere. I hate knowing that you're so far away that even a telescope wouldn't show me where you've landed.

You've seemed so far away from me today. I don't like the feeling of distance between us. Sometimes I can handle you not being home with me, because I can trick myself into thinking that you're just out running errands or something like that, but when I start to feel like you're actually gone, and I start thinking about how far away from me you actually are, that's something that I just can't handle.

I miss you tonight, and I hope you have a better view of the meteor shower from where you are than I did from where I was. I love you so much, sweetheart.

Another 3 Things

Honey,

Tonight I just want to remember a few things:

1. Your email to the high fructose corn syrup people. That was the best. It was so funny, I remember laughing so hard with you about it

2. Last Valentine's day when you took me up to the place where we got married and we just danced to our wedding play list for like an hour. It was amazing and so sweet of you to even think of something like that. You were the best at that kind of stuff and it made me enjoy being married to you so much because you always went out of your way to do things like that--to make the gesture--to show you cared.

3. When we were camping and you came running out of the trees like a little girl saying "go! go! we have to go now!" and you freaked out everyone because there was a giant moose that came following you out of the trees. It was funny as we were throwing everything into the car and trying to get away because it kept coming toward us. I remember laughing really hard because of the look on your face as you came screaming out of the woods back to the campsite.

Oh, there are so many things that we did together or that I remember about you. These are just another few.

I love you so much sweetheart.

Temper Tantrum

Sean,

Today, I've just wanted to through a temper tantrum all day. Like a genuine serious hissy fit. And I mean the kind like a 5 year old does when his mom takes away his chocolate ice cream for throwing it at his little sister. It's like I had something so good and so incredibly amazing and it's been taken away from me and I just want it back. I want it I want it I want it! All day I've been so aggravated that you haven't been here, it makes me want to jump up and down and stomp my feet, and I really just might if I could manage to move my body around that way right now without pulling a muscle or falling.

It's just not fair. Why did this have to happen to us? Why couldn't it have been some other couple who hated each other and didn't care about each other or themselves? There are plenty of people like that in this world, and nothing terrible or tragic ever happens to them. And then there's us. We had each other and that was all that we wanted or needed, and we're somehow the ones that got told "no"? Like I said, not fair. You loved me so much and it showed so strongly through all of your pain, all of your worries, all of your concerns, and all of your fears. It was like, no matter how bad things looked for you, you were always more concerned about me and making sure that I was taken care of. And of course the love that I have for you is indescribable. You're everything to me and just knowing you were waiting for me at home, or sitting next to me, or looking at me from across the room was enough to make me feel like I had all the security in the entire world.

I really do want to pull a Sean and put my fist through the wall. I could probably get away with doing it in the spot that you did because now all that's standing between me and the hole is spackle which wouldn't hurt as much as drywall to punch a hole through. But, I don't think that would solve anything or really make me feel any better. And I can't really throw a temper tantrum and roll around on the floor banging my fists and stomping my feet because poor Gill would probably think I was being attacked and come running or something. But just because I can't doesn't mean I don't want to.

I'm just not happy with the way things are right now, obviously, and I don't want to sound ungrateful for the life that I've had, or the life that I'll be starting soon with our daughters, but again, just because it is so doesn't mean that I have to like it. This is not how I pictured our life going or my life ending up, and I think that I have the right to be upset about it and act a bit childish about the situation at times. I think it's called for.

I just miss you an impossible amount, and I wish that I could scream and cry and bang on things and have that bring you back to me. But I know it won't. I love you sweetheart, and if I ever do actually throw a tantrum, I'm sure you'll get a kick out of watching it happen.

Football Season

Honey,

I wondering which will be harder for me to get through without you--the football season, or the Christmas season. I know a lot of people who would say "duh, of course the Christmas season will be harder, the holidays are always hard right after you lose someone", but literally (and I know how much you hate that word to be used outside of its actual meaning, but I really do mean "literally"), literally no one, no......one.......no one understands what going through this football season without you means to me. It's like a sledge hammer jut got heaved into my gut by the Strong Man at a freak show or something and all of the wind is permanently knocked out of my lungs. It's like trying to breathe but having my lungs fill with water instead of air. And that can't even justifiably describe what this is going to be like. I mean, tonight was just the first night of the preseason and when I got home it was like a dementor form Harry Potter had come and sucked out my soul or something.

Without you, there is no dogging on Chris Collingsworth and his perpetually increasing creepiness, or missing John Madden ("I'd draw the play for you here, but I just had these hot wings and boy are they messy!", or laughing (you'd be scoffing of course) at the Raider's lack of prime-time coverage this season. You're not here to mock me every time Josh McDaniels brings the Broncos one step closer to mirroring the Patriots, and you're not here to see me cringe and what he's already done to my team. TO is with Ochocinco at the Bengals now and only you'd appreciate how ridiculous that is like I do. I can't even bring myself to do Fantasy Football this year because without you it just makes no sense. Who would I complain to when Peesh comes in and ruins my season-long winning streak in the final game of the playoffs and wins the championship?

You are the only one who understood what this sport meant to me and I know what it meant to you, and it meant the same thing to both of us together, and now it's gone. I will always love football like I love my children but without you it's so not the same. And it's so strange because this was a part of me long before you were, but you've taken it with you to the grave now, and I don't know if I'll ever be able to get this part of me back again. Sure I can watch the games and keep up to date on what's going on with the new rules for the season and the players and coaches, but it has seriously lost a serious portion of its meaning, and it's truly tragic. And you'd just understand if you were here.

I think a lot of why I miss you is that I went from being completely understood by someone--someone who I could just totally be myself around, no pretenses, no lies--and I've gone from belonging with you to not fitting into the world again because everything is out of place since you're not here. Maybe I'm the puzzle piece that doesn't fit instead of me being the right piece with all the wrong ones being stamped into place around me. Even so, I've gone from belonging and being completely understood, to being a stranger again to even the people that are closest to me now. No one ever knew me the way you did, and I miss having that closeness with you.

We'll see how this season goes. I may just break down and cry every time I go to a Utes game or every time I watch football on Thursday, Saturday, Sunday, and Monday. I don't know what it will be like the first time I watch the Raiders play, or when I see Jordan Wynn throw his first touchdown pass of the season, or when Brett Favre decides whether or not he's coming back again. I imagine it will be something disastrous and tragic like tonight when I saw Emmett Smith and Jerry Rice talking about their Hall of Fame inductions. I really do need you here with me to go through this football season of being without you, but of course, that's not possible, and I hate it thoroughly.

I'll miss you with every yard gained this season, every field goal made, every pass caught in the end zone. I'll love you even more with every interception, sack, tackle, and holding penalty. You have managed to consume every aspect of my life, and whether that's healthy or not, it is what it is, and I'll somehow manage to get through this season like I get through brushing my teeth in the morning. You're not here for any of it anymore, and I have to remind myself (out loud sometimes) of that fact because it's like second nature for me to expect you to just be there to experience this season with me. I hate it for sure.

I love you so much sweetheart. Maybe I'll even wear your Asomugha jersey for good luck a time or two. I miss you and I'll be thinking of you this season. I hope that your Raiders don't suck it up....only because I'm sick of them taking up my airtime with their juvenile nonsense they like to call football. And the day that Al Davis dies...I'll bring a cake to your grave and we'll celebrate. I love you Sean--and don't tell me what happens this season, because I do want to watch and see for myself.

2 Months

Honey,

I was thinking about the fact that it's been over 2 months since you died, and that means a lot of different things to me. First of all, I cannot believe that I have survived these last 2 months without you. I feel like I'm living in my own version of Hell for sure, and God chooses to continue to keep me on this earth, separated from you. Each day has flown by around me but I feel trapped in slow motion like blinking takes all the effort that my entire body is capable of, and then the next second comes and I have to do it all over again.

Mostly what has been on my mind since this 2 month mark has passed has been about the last diagnosis you had. That day is still crystal clear, and why wouldn't it be--it was just 2 months ago. I remember you coming to my office and telling me that they had diagnosed you with leukemia and that they weren't going to be able to treat you and that Dr. Chandramouli expected you to only live for about 2 more months. It makes me wonder--if you had made it this far, would I be now where I was 2 months ago? Laying next to you in a hospital bed watching the color drain from your face? Holding your hand that grew colder and colder with each moment that passed? Wondering how the pieces of my life had become so shattered? Wishing that I were being lowered into the ground right with you? Would you be dead or dying now instead of 2 months ago? The babies still aren't here yet and your last wish was to hold them and kiss them, but at least at this point we would have known what we were having instead of being 2 weeks short of finding out. There are so many things like this that I think about. Was it better for me to have lost you 2 months ago when I wasn't as far along in my pregnancy? What would the last 2 months have been like? Would we have been able to make the most of our time together or would the knowledge that we were on a time line have tainted everything? No matter what our time would have been like together, I still would give anything that I have to have had that chance to be with you for that much longer.

You were always such a fighter and I always looked up to you and admired you so much for that. You showed me what it was to be brave, and you never complained. You taught me so much about life and about love and about how to make the most of even the little moments in life. You loved me so much and I still feel that whenever I think about you.

I can't believe you're gone. It's just not possible. We were meant for each other and it doesn't make sense for us to not be together. We are worlds apart and I feel that separation from you constantly. A lot of me still feels like I did 2 months ago, and so even if you had died now instead of then, I wouldn't feel any different.

I love you so much sweetheart, and I wish that we had had these last 2 months of time to spend together. Either way, you and I were robbed of something very special and I'll never get over that, just like I'll never get over you. I miss you so much. I love you with all of my heart and soul and I hope that the peace that you have now finds me someday so that I can manage to just live again.

I love you I love you I love you.

Rush

Sean,

Tonight was the Rush concert that you had tickets to go to with Andy. I forgot about it until a girl at work mentioned that she was going tonight, and it all came crashing back to me. My last day at work is tomorrow and so today before I left I took down all my pictures that I had at my desk (all of us of course) and that was hard to do for some reason too. I don't know if it's because it was like putting you away or something like that or if it's just all of the changes that are happening that are starting to get to me, but it was a surprisingly hard thing to do.

I know how excited you were for this concert. We should have known better than to let you have a ticket to a musical event. Every time you had a ticket to something you'd relapse or something would happen--we should have known, right? Ha. What was sweet about it though was that you were excited to be going with Andy more so than you were to be seeing Rush. It's not like you were a huge fan of them or anything--of course you appreciated the music and enjoyed listening to it, but it was more about catching up with your friend and spending time with someone you hadn't seen in a while. I've talked to Andy since you died and he looked up to you so much. He has told me more than once that the way you loved me has inspired him to try to do better at loving his own wife that way. He always gets me when he says that, because I know what he means. You really did love me in a very special way, and I miss that so much. We didn't just have a marriage or a strong relationship. We had something so much more that most people don't break through into until they have been married for many many years. It's like our relationship was a pokemon or something and we evolved early haha.

Honey you were such as special person. So many people loved you so much, and you really made a significant imprint on a lot of people's lives. That's a big deal considering how many people you had in your life and how little time you actually had on this earth. It's truly a great loss for this world that you were not able to go further in life and accomplish a lot of the goals you had set for yourself. I really believe that if you had made it that far, you would have been the one to find the cure for MS like you wanted to.

I miss you terribly today, Honey. It's been an overwhelming day. I haven't been able to shut my mind off at all and the things that have been running through it haven't been the most comforting. I dreamt a lot last night and had terrible nightmares. Sometimes my dreams give me a break and they're only strange (at best) but a lot of the time they're nightmares and I get limited and restless sleep. I wish you were there laying next to me in bed again so that I could just curl up next to you or reach out and grab your arm or hand. I still haven't gotten used to sleeping alone, and I still sleep on your side of the bed because I wouldn't be able to bear it if I were on my side and opened my eyes or rolled over and saw your empty place. And I still am sleeping with the t-shirt that the paramedics cut off of you as a sort of....security blanket or piece. It was the shirt you wore on our first official date, and it's so ironic that it was the last shirt you wore too.

I just miss you so much it hurts all the time. I'm becoming more and more tolerant of the pain (doesn't mean it's not there just as strong or that I don't feel it as much) but maybe by the time I go into labor I won't even need an epidural. I love you with all my heart, and you're still my whole world. I can't wait until we can be together again.